The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well I'm back again - been reading up on the past posts, they have been so helpful -thank you.
My conclusion is that I have a dry drunk for a husband. I sat down with him a few days ago and told him how I was feeling and what I needed to ensure that i felt better. In a nutshell he needs to find a job that will pay for half of our living expenses by Sept 1 if he hasn't then I will find another apartment for myself so that I can feel finanically secure.
I'm finding it very difficult to stop thinking about trying to help him get a job but so far I haven't said anything - but the thoughts are still there.
I also want him to start working his program again - but again that's not my place he has to do it.
There are so many areas of our relationship that need to be worked on but I haven't said anything. I've told him that I feel very scared about the direction our relationship has taken recently, that I find myself afraid to speak to him about my feelings and that I don't want to loose our relationship. He doesn't really engage in that conversation. We seem to be doing this dance, around and around with no stopping to look where we are. I guess it's just to scary for us to accept that there is something not right between us. it's like the elephant in the living room - we both know it's there but no one wants to talk about it. In the past it was booze now it's I don't even know what the name is.
We talk about anything and everything except our relationship, money, his lack of work on a program. I've never mentioned the expression dry drunk.
When I told AH that I felt another apartment would be in order he said that it would be hard to pass a credit check. I told him that could be worked on. He then went to the office (I was at work) and asked them if we were to look at a smaller apartment would they do a credit check on us? I took that as a sabatoge movement - to me you don't suggest that we couldn't pass one. There are lots of options i.e. a co-signer and also the fact that since we have been here (almost 3 years) we have never been late with our rent) and my girlfriend just did the same thing - all she had to do was show proof of her income.
So my plan/options are:
sept 1 - AH has a job so he can pay his share and we both look/move into a smaller cheaper apt
AH has no job and I look/move into a smaller apt
Since my credit history is damaged, I've spoken to my employer who will give me a good referral letter and I've also spoken to a few friends who are willing to co-sign a lease for me.
If this building won't let me lease from them, there are others - I live in a big city and will address that issue.
So what I am doing is reading up on Al-Anon, trying to find a meeting I can get too and I've joined a gym.
I'm not sure what I'm saying in this post or what I am asking for - perhaps just venting? Rambling I don't know. Half of me feels very insecure and out of control while the other half feels ok I've aknowledged this problem (the financial part) and I have a plan.
Sounds like you are really taking care of yourself. I wish I had been able to do a similar thing when I was with A. Now my credit is incredibly damaged and I am stuck in a bad place. Nevertheless as you show with your practical attitude there is always a way through obstacles. I am working on that.
The only pointer I would give about a plan be is to polish it. I would not necessarily tell an A I was with that I was working on it. I thought it was amusing your A went to the office and asked about a smaller apartment. They do "presume" we will stay around. I know for sure the A who I was with cannot believe I mean it when I say I'm not having anything to do with him. After all I said it for 7 years and didn't mean it.
For me the plan be took a long time to work on. I kept looking at ways to make it work, I did not polish it and look at the ramifications. Do you have funds to move? Do you have people to help you.
I am still working on a plan be and I am one year out of a relationship with an A. I moved on an interim level and need to move again, quite how I will do that is beyond me right now but I keep working on it.
((karen)) Not only do you have a Plan B ready to go into force. I would add, you also have"Your Ducks All In A Row". Wow!!, You saw some problems In your life, and in your relationship that you felt you could not accept. So what did you do? You did research. You gave yourself options, and choices. You set boundaries. You set dates. You made a plan for yourself and have it ready to implement. If I can comment on your last paragraph. No, you were not venting, you were not rambling, you certainly do not strike me as someone out of control. If you are insecure, you sure fooled me. Karen, the point I am making is I think you did a wonderful job. So you give yourself a "BIG" pat on the back, and I will give you a "BIG HUG". RLC
you sound good to me. I like the part about joining a gym. This made a huge difference in my life- I love going to the gym for ME time. It makes me feel so good about myself and i am looking great- its a win-win and its all about ME. I just wanted to say you sound balanced and reasonable and like you are taking some good solid steps to accept responsibility for yourself and your situation and "changing the things we can" and accepting what you cannot change. Nice work! Hugs, J.
wow I am soooo impressed with your strength and conviction. Your boundaries are very easy to understand.
One thing I see,something we all do, is analizing anothers behavior. Especially with A's, we don't know what they are thinking or what they are doing. Believe me, in my experience, I found out they do not think much.
I wish I would have had alanon bless my life before I married my AH. But am grateful I have it now.
You sound very good. I too have times I am just letting things out and have no idea if I am making sense. But these wonderful people became a mirror for me.
