The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I moved into the house I am in now I was really in a bind. I was desperate to get the dogs out from the A's care. So I didn't even consider the implications of what I was doing. To say I was exhausted was an understatement.
When I moved in here there was a man here (he's still here) and he was plesant. Back then a year ago I was never thinking about boundaries at all. He was pleasant and okay and I was so relieved. Then certian things happened, he smokes marjuana for one thing and stays up all the hours there are playing games (weeks and weeks of this). He is dimissive and sarcastic in different ways.
When my dog went missing he flat out refused to do anything about it. He didn't offer one iota of help at all. I was frantic and very very upset and simply into the ground about finding my dog. I was already exhausted and that put me on overload.
I asked him many many times whether my dogs bothered him at all. He always out right said to me that they didn't. Turns out he has said otherwise to other people. I'm not worried about it but it signals someone who isn't honest and straight forward.
Then he does this kind of sliding the buck stuff. He cleared out some shelves in the kitchen and left the mess in the back yard but made a huge production about what he "did" which really to merely move the mess.
On Memorial day he said he would barbecue and he did but he contributed nothing, nada to the food. I finally got to see some of him there, under the veneer of this pleasantness is someone who expects me to foot the bill.
I'm flat out not doing anything for July 4th as a result of that. 7 years of being the only one who footed the bill for any celebration with the A has taught me that much.
The issue for me is that I have resentment and I have to let it go. I'm not going to fix someone like him with whatever addiction he has. I know he binge drinks and he is unemployed now and his benefits are about to run out. All of that is none of my business.
The issue for me is my fantasy that I'll be surrounded by people who are functional, caring and interested in me. I'm not. I'm surrounded by dysfunctional people all the time and I have to deal with that and detach from it. Some days are better than others.
I know I am doing so much better than I did in the past. My dogs are so much more secure and happy and centered. I could let this resentment take me to places I don't need to.
I can just put up a veneer of being pleasant so why can't I. No I want to take his inventory, pathologize him and "fix" him. Obviously I can't. So I have to turn him over too to God. Then I'm angry at God for surrounding me with dysfunctional people. Who said it was all going to be hunky dory for me?
Then I get lost in how long is it going to take me to move on from where I am and suffused in resentment that I"m here and back to hating the A for putting me in this place. I stayed with the A for years rather than endure poverty and these kinds of problems. I stayed with the A because I kept hoping and praying and wishing he'd get better. He didn't he got much much much worse. He is totally non functional now.
I think part of my disease with codependency is not wanting to take care of myself, hoping that people will change and then resenting that they don't do it.
I also know for sure having dealt with this stuff now and the many many issues in the house I live in that I have a really hard time not being over involved and not having boundaries. I need more of them, super iron boundaries, the kind I had when I was leaving the air. I had a will or iron then, nothing but nothing could make me angry or rile me. I don't know where that went but its gone now and I want to get bogged down in nothing and splitting hairs with people who have absolutely no interest in health or sobriety.
Why bother? I didn't bother with the A but I slip and slip and slip. Then i'm mired in resentment again. I leave one situation and woops here's another. Who said it was going to be a fairy tale, only my fantasy did.
When I find myself in repeated situations I usually assume HP has placed me there to learn yet another life lesson and until I learn it I'll end up there again and again. I try to remember that we are all here learning and that others have lessons to learn too. Some are further along in thei journey then others. That thought tends to help me with acceptance. I believe we can (and are supposed to) learn from every person that is put before us. I ask myself what it is I can take from this person as a lesson. Is there something I need to deal with or overcome within if they bug me? Someone told me once that when we see something we don't like in others it is like a mirror and we need to look inside to figure it out. I was disgusted when I first heard it and thought I THINK NOT...lol For example, I knew someone that always took over and ran the show no matter what it was. I built up a resentment for her, belittling her inmy mind. When I looked inside it was because "I" was the one that liked to be in control. Sometimes it isn't that easy, most times I have to dig a bit and get honest with myself. Now days I can pretty much accept who people are and wish them well on their journey without them affecting me. Everyone has some good in them somewhere so if all else fails I look for that. It puts my head in a better place then to calculate all their wrongs and keep a running total. Have a good 4th, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
