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It happened just as I thought it would! I knew he drank Monday night, and of course, yesterday, when I got home from working all day, found a note from him telling me he was going to a meeting and be home at 6:30. Well, it must have been some meeting! He was drunk as a skunk. I expected it (why would I expect anything else). I find humor in it sometimes, like when he uses mint mouthwash and thinks "if you smell like mint, no one knows your drunk" and "if you don't see him drink, you don't know he's drunk". It's actually kinda funny the way A's think. And I try to just put it aside. But he is the most annoying drunk, he babbles and doesn't make not one ounce of any kind of sense when he's like this (and he stays like this for weeks on end). He has alcoholic liver disease, so drinking affects his brain more than the normal alcoholic. Two weeks ago, he lost his job of over 20 years due to being drunk at work. He's end stage and I know this. I keep telling him I haven't made my decision yet whether I'm leaving him or staying, but I will let him know when I do. I don't honestly think I can stay and work full time and maintain medical on him while he's out there working 4 hours a day on the golf course then getting drunk the rest of the time. What's in it for me. But then again, he's end stage alcoholic with advanced liver disease, who's bottom will be death. That is a fact I have come to accept (even though he hasn't). And to top it off, yesterday I spoke with his dr. who tells me his bilirubin is high, wants him to come back in for another test to make sure it doesn't go higher or else he may have to be hospitalized. AH does not even hear that when I tell him, only started screaming that he wanted our daughter left out of it (dr. told my daughter to have me call him). I am not even going to mention it again to AH. Whatever happens, it's in God's hands. I have placed mine and AH's life in God's hands. Whatever happens, it's His will, and I have come to accept that and rely on that. What I can't get passed is each time I come home and see AH, I get a feeling of utter disgust for him, absolutely cannot stand him when he's drunk. Life is too short and it's passing me by while I'm living w/AH. Yet, if I leave, I'll lose out financially. How can I just put all that in God's hands and just hope for the best? Wouldn't that be like not helping myself, even though I have the utmost faith in God with my life? Any sharing of es&h or words of wisdom is appreciated. Thanks for listening. Terri
I can relate a great deal. I was with an A for a good 7 years. I felt leaving was a loss for me financially. Guess what it was and then some. At the same time it was near impossible to be around at the bottom. The bottom for him being similar, ill health, poverty, craziness and more. I saw the bottom coming but it was a long long time coming. I lived, ate breathed resentment.
No one here is going to give you a blue print on how to stay or leave. There are those who have left and some who stay and who have sanity. Some of how they stay with sanity is to detach. Easier said than done of course.
Detaching nevertheless was what saved me in order that I could leave. Making a plan be helped. Mine was by no means comprehensive.
I'm not going to say leave leave leave everything will be fine if you leave. Everything was far from fine when I left. My finances are decimated. I will be years and year repairing them. I am not looking at having what I had with the A for at minimum 5 years (sorry if I sound pessimistic reality is a big issue for me).
I'm saying either staying or leaving is hard. Both are difficult, Nevertheless if that is where you are that is your reality. I can't tell you how many years I sat in bitterness and toxic resentment that that was my reality. I did nothing but sit in bitterness, toxic resentment and say this is not fair!
I can still be there in a minute. That is why your post is such a gift to me. I do not like my life at the moment much at all. Much has changed for me. I'm looking for a different kind of support, love and understanding. I stopped looking to be rescued. I found that rescue came at a price. I have a honesty and a basis in reality today. I did not have that before. For me the cost was this total financial decimation. Nevertheless my recovery from codependency is hugely precious to me.
For me the journey to recovery has been plagued with despair, anger (lots of that) grief (really huge grief that I still have that I did not get the dream with him, he did not get sober, he did not get better, he never saw "me"). At the same time there is progress, small little increments of progress and I see my codpendency so so clearly now in ways I did not before.
Thank you for posting and reminding me that I have choices even when I hate my life, hate my present, do not trust the future I can see progress.
I can remember being there, doing that, worrying about, fearing that and all the rest. I had no room left in my head for a rational thought and no hope for peace of mind. That is what I wanted was peace of mind and it was like barking at the moon while I was outside of program and only having the little I had that was very close to nothing. I didn't know even what you now know about the disease and didn't know that I didn't know. Talk about a "space case."
I found the rooms of Al-Anon and I was told to detach and have patience and to "Let go and Let God" as you have mentioned and yet it was sooo new to me and soooo Greek. I was told that it would take time because I didn't arrive at the problem over night.
So what work for me was detaching from all of the fear and worry and thinking and planning and "what am I gonna do stuff" and just start the new journey of solutions in the AFG. It worked out, not over night, in time and I now relate that "my" program would have never gotten me what I was looking for. "This" program does. Be very careful of making new decisions with your old thinker. The disease is cyclic (goes around and around and around ie merry-go-round) and all participants keep it running.
Your alcoholic may just be end stage barring a spiritual intervention. God does work that way with others. God has worked that way with me. Expect miracles and continue on with your life cause that smacks of faith right? End stage alcoholism is ver painful. Your alcoholic is fully awake to what is going on and what the consequences are with an insatiable compulsion to drink as he goes on with the allergy from it. I appreciate your courage, (because that is always what I need) to surrender the whole thing over to God. Now try it without fear and worry.
Keep coming back and attending meetings. (((((hugs)))))
This might be a time for you to leave yourself open for some clarification, and wait to see if the clouds part. By this I mean - spend time reading alanon literature, going to meetings, coming here. Spend time on the people, places, and activities that give you strength and serenity - take that walk under the stars, hold that baby while she sleeps, go for that run - whatever type of thing speaks to the real you. Gather some useful information, in case you decide to leave - what are your legal rights, what is the housing situation in your town right now, would you lose health benefits....
While doing this, listen. Listen to what your heart is telling you, listen for words or ideas that seem to keep coming up over and over. When someone says something that seems to resonate, stop talking for a minute and see if you can hear the message. Your HP, or your internal wisdom, or some combination of both, might be trying to tell you something.
We don't like to give advice here, and in your case, especially not. If you leave, and he dies, you need to be sure in your heart that you did the right thing. Same thing if you stay. And the only way to be sure in your own heart is to listen to that heart, and no other. Clarity will come to you, if you give it some space and some silence to appear.
I was married to my exAH for 15 years. We worked hard to get where we were when he started using drugs on top of the alcohol. We started from nothing and had gotten a lot. He lost all that we worked for and I walked away from it all to start my own life at the bottom again, struggling to keep my head above water. But it is all worth it for me. I would never go back to the life I was living w/my out of control exAH. He is still out of control although he maintains a good front for the most part......of course those that know him the best are not fooled.
So I guess for anyone, you have to way the pros and cons and take inventory in yourself and what you want out of life. Keep coming back here as I have found this wonderful place to be an excellent soundboard for my feelings and thoughts. It helps to put it out there sometimes. Good luck to you.
