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I've been reading/lurking here for a while now. I'm in a situation now where I really need some feedback.
My AH has been sober now for about 3 1/2 years. He doesn't go to AA anymore - he did regularly for the first year but now nothing. He also doesn't work. He has used all his savings/pension. He had this dream of being self employed - doing hypnosis, he has spent a lot of money and time trying to this. He has a few clients but nothing that makes any money - $200 a month. For almost a year now I have been the .money maker. I keep telling him he has to find a job - we are strapped with no savings and living pay cheque to pay cheque. My job is also in unstable now with a possible lay off coming. So.......
I sat down with him last night and told him that how I was feeling - trapped, scared, insecure etc etc. In order for me to feel better about my life I need financial security (we are in our mid 50's). I told that if by Sept 1 he doesn't have a job that would allow him to contribute 50% of the costs I will look for a smaller apartment - on my own.
I know in my heart that this is the right/healthy thing for me but and there's always that but, why did it have to come to this? He's a great guy but so dam irresponsible. I've stopped myself from bugging him about getting a job, giving him leads, etc because it's my old behaviors coming back. I find myself slipping back into old codie ways.
I remember I gave him the name of a friend who is in HR, he could have a nice security job that pays ok and the hours are flexible which would allow him to "dabble" in his business. He said that he couldn't be a security guard - that was beneath him! And also no high stress job - it would cause him to drink again.
Warning Warning Warning
All he said last night was ok, I understand - that's it nothing else. Sometimes I think he's pushing me just to see how far he can go.
He has everything, a nice place to live, food, smokes, gas for his car, insurance, why get a job?
I'm just so dam frustrated, angry and hurt right now. The voice inside my head keeps asking why? Why does he do this and why do I keep allowing this? He's sober but his behavior is just as bad.
Sorry for the long vent but if anyone has any suggestions please let me know, thanks
Wow, can I relate to your post. Thankfully some of this changed for me when my BF complained and acted out because he felt I was "controlling" by the grace of God I just happend to make a light statement that anytime a person is totally dependant on another (parent, wife, friend whatever) the dependant person is likely to feel "controlled" by the person who is supporting them.
Funny how some things that just seem like a "given" to some of us are totally unknown or hidden behind the fog of drinking to our loved ones.
We never really "discussed" this he just began to contribute, it was a long haul as he tried things that did not work out because of his "issues" but now 3 years later he has held the same job for over a year and is sometimes a little respondible with the money he earns- he is still learning but I would say he really tries in this area. Perhaps your hubby doesn't believe you that you will make that move and that is why he didn't say much? just perhaps. Or maybe he is just "stuck" I don't know but I'm glad you are working of making up your mind what you will do for you. Are you prepared to really leave? Are you gonna be okay with it if he lets you and still doesn't change?
Sounds much like me and the ex. I was in the "why" for a long time. The ex was always on about his "dreams' there were no "we" dreams, just his dreams. There wasn't even the dream of what I wanted and needed at Christmas or my birthday. For him it was 'his' needs.
Now he is alone with "his needs" guess what he still feels I should contribute to them.
You know I think the word sober can be stretched. For me "sober" means really being responsible and working a program. I don't believe sober for me personally means simply drug free. I know people who are drug free but they aren't sober.
Of course I can be the same. For 7 years I allowed the A to have all the power. Over time and with enough al anon that changed. I'd have to say that was very very painful. I'm used to giving my power away. Here it is I don't want it. I'm irresponsible too in a different way. Let me take care of you so that you can ignore my needs is one of them!
For me certainly there were loads of ultimatums. Now if someone crosses my boundaries enough they are off my list. I'm not that good at getting people off my list but I work on it. I was terrible before, the martyr, victim, you name it I was it. I martyred and victimed for years. Now if they don't appreciate my boundaries I'm clear there are consequences. Of course acting out those consequences is the hard one. Who said change was easy. I don't believe even in a understatement I have a clue how to be less than codependent most days. I am committed though.
Good luck with your limits. A plan be may be in order. I am preparing my own plan be as we speak, the plan be of what to do after I leave a relationship. Leaving isn't easy, staying isn't easy. For me its hard being a recovering codependent, impossible not to be recovering these days though.
It is always hard to let go of what we really want to happen.
Sadly your A is not in recovery. In fact he is on his way to use again. Part of relapse. Also this diseases symptoms are ever so much more than using drugs. He has only stopped drinking, that is it.
A diabetic can stop eating sugar, but not take care of their insulin needs, eat healthy, exercise etc. so are still very sick.
A's are usually selfish, immoral, lack natural feelings, live in the moment, most have trouble with low blood sugar, there are so many other symptoms and every A is different.However to just stop using means zero. It may give them some more time to live.
If you are like me, you want him to get a job, be responsible, take on his responsibilities. Doesn't work that way.
Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews would help you.
But supporting them, buying them cig. paying their bills, we are NOT helping them, we are helping the disease to be comfortable.
I refused to give my A a dime, no longer washed his cloths, did not cook for him etc.Did not take him too long to not live there anymore.
Anyway hugs, keep digging into Alanon, there are meetings online here, also face to face meetings where you live.
please keep coming back, we need you too!! love,debilyn
Thank you all for your responses. I've been reading up on dry drunks - and I've found one - my AH. You are so right he has stopped drinking but hasn't stoppped his behavior problems. I'm leaving that alone and working on mine. Again my thanks - I'm looking at some local and on line meetings for me and a plan - more about that later. K
