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A few months ago I met someone and since I have totally fallen head over heels for him. I met him while on vacation through my brother. We instantly clicked and it felt like we had known each other for years. I live 2,000 miles away from him but we have managed to keep a long distance relationship. I have even been back to visit him.
I knew he was a heavy drinker when I met him but at the time I really didnt know the extent of his drinking. As time went on he opened up to me and told me he was an alcoholic. His work actually held and intervention for him and told him that in order for him to keep his job he would have to go to rehab. He didnt know what to think of it at the time but said that if all these people cared that much about him and his boss was willing put his neck on the line for him then maybe he should listen. He entered rehab almost 3 weeks ago.
He is 37 years old and has been a severe alcoholic for the last 10 years of his life. Within the first week of rehab he was dead set on never drinking again and still is. He is working the steps hard and doing everything and anything this place is offering him to help him get his life back. He even went out this past Sunday and got his sobriety date tattooed on him, his very first tattoo. I am so proud him!
Im a 26 college student and have no problems with drugs or alcohol. I do go out once a week with my friends and have some drinks. Im a responsible adult and have a very good handle on my life. My drinking recently came up in one of your conversations. I was the one to bring it up because I needed to know how he felt. I was concerned how my drinking would affect him and if it was going to hinder his treatment. He told me that he is the one with the problem and not me. A few days after we had this talk I could tell he was upset that I had gone out the night before. I asked him again how he felt. He told me that he wasnt sure if my drinking was going to be a trigger for him or if he would be able to handle it later on. He said that he would just have to learn to deal with it but if he could he said "if you really love me then you would stop drinking completely." I feel extremely selfish saying this but I told him I wasnt sure if I could make that commitment to him. We have only know each other a short period of time.
Our conversation ended there and the next day I could tell he was upset but he didnt want to talk to me about it. The following day he called and I really had some concerns. I was concerned how our relationship was going to affect him, not just that fact that I occasionally drink but that our relationship is so new and his sobriety is so new. I was concerned that if things got rocky or things didnt work out that it could be a possible trigger for him. Then this is what he said "ever since we had that talk the other night I have really been slacking on my forth step, Ive been really down, and withdrawaling from the other members and at group meetings". I told him that I didnt want to make that kind of impact on his life and I said I love you and goodbye.
We talked for the first time tonight since that happened three days ago. He still wants us to work on things and he still wants a relationship with me. He swears that relapse will not be a part of his recovery and he is willing to fight for us.
Also I am his only support system outside of rehab. His entire family and all of his friends are all full blown alcoholics. He has absolutely no one to talk to. I have been there every day for him and have supported him since the day he decided to enter rehab. I support him 100% on his decision to stay clean and sober the rest of his life.
So here are my questions:
Am I being selfish for not wanting to quit drinking?
Is it a good idea for me to keep this relationship going?
Am I going to be a negative impact in his recovery?
I love this man and I do not want to be a negative influence in his life.
1 - U cannot keep this man sober 2 - U will not be responsible for his slip should he have one3 - U are the only one that can decide wether to keep this relationship going or not , no one has the right to tell u what to do. The best way to support our A is to find a program of your own , Al-Anon (just my opinion) here u will learn about the disease and how it impacts your life , what to do and what not to do. the focus is on you in our program not on the alcoholic. Can this work ? Yes it can but this is alcoholism not wasim , there are no guarantees in either of our programs except to return sanity to our lives . Sober does not guarantee that a relationship will be free from life problems learning to solve them with out alcohol is a challenge. but possible . Louise
Everyone prays for miracles looking at the evidence of reality. Experience from the other side? He has accepted that he is alcoholic and needs to do some thing about it and so do his friends and working relationships. They say and he says that he needs to do it seriously or else....negative consequence for him and you if you decide falling in love with a person addicted to a chemical that has but three choices because it is terminal/fatal as a disease. He either gets and stays sober in order to have a chance for a successful life or he goes insane (he has already reached that point) or he dies. Alcoholics leave victims lying all over the place...unknowing victims that is. The death mentioned in the discription of alcoholism isn't reserved only for the alcoholic, innocents die also.
Are you being selfish about your drinking. My thought on t his has always been "This is how important alcohol is in the life of people". Almost on the order of "I won't give up breathing for you." Ask yourself questions, "Why is "drinking" so important to me? (leave him out of the justification or reasoning) just ask yourself that question and write down the answers...you can post them here if you like and get feedback...its safe here. Another question...do I want to find out if it is a problem with me? Go take the free 44 question alcoholic qualification test that has got to be on hundreds of web sites. Other people are not good reasons to either drink or not drink. We drink because we like to drink...the effects and the consequences whether we are or are not alcoholics. Alcohol is a very old and prefected mind and mood altering chemical. One of its powers is to have people choose a relationship with it rather than with other people recovering or not. Is it a good idea to keep this relationship going? You are a student so I assume you are in the mood, position and practice of learning. I don't know what college you are going to but I will be that they have course on Addiction drug and alcohol or a combination of sorts. What I did was go to college on it and one of the things I learned was that knowlegable or not getting into a relationship with an addicted person was not a good idea for me and I wish I had known that before I did it as it might have made a difference in my life. I also found out that I am a fixer of broken people without concern for my life and happiness and because of that I am addicted to them. The negative consequences of that cover almost 30 years of my life. Just my experience. Will you be a negative impact on his recovery? Rain could have a negative impact of his recovery. His favorite baseball team loosing a game could have a negative impact on his recovery. The IRS could and most anything else that affect his mind, body, spirit or/and emotions and cause him to see alcohol or drugs as a necessity in his life. He has a compulsion of the mind and an allergy of the body. Alcoholics have an ongoing desire to drink period, that they can interrupt with "reprogramming" that can help them arrest the compulsion and desire for one day at a time only. If the go back to drinking after a dry spell it will be as if no period of being dry existed. He will not go back to the first drink he will return to his last drinks. This is a progressive disease it never gets better only worse. Just for me some confidential information on my own experience with alcohol. I have drank myself into toxic shock. So poisoned that my life functions with the exception of breath and heartbeat (involutary life functions) we shut off. I didn't stop then and there. I drank the next day thinking I was immortal; that alcohol could not and would not cause my death. That is only from me. I share it only with this family and my recovering family in program. When you say that you love this man do you mean that you love the idea of being in love? Is it love or addiction? I loved an alcoholic also. I married her because I thought I was in love with her. After being a practicing member of the Al-Anon Family Groups and AA for the time I have been I can honestly tell you that the concept of love I have now is not near the one I had then and I wouldn't attempt that concept again ever. I had all the wrong reasons and feelings and perceptions before I married my 1st addict, dated and was engaged to my second alcoholic, married my 2nd alcoholic/addict wife and the had some of the most messed up relationships while I was cleaning up my act. I'm progressing thank HP. I am my biggest problem not my alcoholic(s).
I have a simple suggestion along with learning as much as you can about alcoholism and addiction...best place from my experience is at face to face Al-Anon Family Groups in your area. You can find the hotline number in the white pages of your phone book or even your school registry. That simple suggestion is attend as many face to face meetings of Al-Anon as you can over the next 3 months (3 months vs a lifetime is nothing). Sit and listen to the members in the rooms, read the literature, and participate and then come back to your questions.
There isn't anyone here that will give you advice. That is not what we do. We make suggestions based upon our own experiences and what worked for us. We try to stick very close to that principle with practice. We will love you and accept you and share with you. In the end you will still make your own choices for your own reasons and earn your own consequences. Put the consequences first...what do I want or want to happen? What do I have to do to gain that?
A head of time if I sound like a know-it-all smarty with a hard edge I appologize. I have stood off the edge of the cliff too many times and I just know that the next time God might have something or someone else more important to work with rather than just wait on me to wise up and hop back onto firm ground.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress! Like Jerry F. mentioned, it is not advice we share. Rather, we try to give our perspective on similar situations. We can do this because a lot of us share similar circumstances.
In your post, you mention a few things that really bring back some of my experiences.
1. the phrase, "if you really loved me, you'd stop drinking."
For me, that is a big 'ol red flag. I would need to confront that in any relationship that I chose to stay in. I have learned that anything beginning with "if you loved me..." or the likes is a cue of controlling behavior. Your behavior is yours and only yours to control. You decide what is right or wrong for you. If going out with the girls and socializing is a source of happiness for you, then why would you change that part?
2. 'Also I am his only support system outside of rehab. His entire family and all of his friends are all full blown alcoholics. He has absolutely no one to talk to. I have been there every day for him and have supported him since the day he decided to enter rehab. I support him 100% on his decision to stay clean and sober the rest of his life.'
A. You didn't cause it B. You can't cure it C. You can't control it
Trying to do A, B, or C is a fast road to insanity. You cannot be his support system. He needs himself and his Higher Power to be his support system. If you choose to be his partner, then you need to think about your support system. That whole paragraph reads (in my opinion) of a future of isolation. His whole family is alcoholics? Can you imagine what he learned as he grew up in that amount of dysfunction?
It took me learning how to implement strong boundaries to begin to deal with my wife's alcoholism. Fortunately, I learned that and much much more from attending face to face Al-Anon meetings. I highly encourage you to seek out a meeting. Whether or not you decide to stay with your partner, the tools and skills learned in Al-Anon are universal, applicable to everyone. It really opened my mind to a much happier lifestyle.
Lastly, I just want to point again to what I would call "manipulation". It took me gaining a lot of courage before I could confront someone I "loved" on such a statement. "if you loved me"... I found that I could discuss these things, being honest and open about my feelings, and leaving the anger out. Today, my (healthy) boundaries would lead me to have that addressed specifically in a conversation with my partner. For me, that phrase can be a trigger to future emotional and/or physical abuse. For me, it is a blame shift, guilt laden manipulation. What I see in it is "well, I fell off the wagon because you went out drinking with your friends" or 100 other similar excuses. Accepting that kind of statement is a free pass for an Alcoholic/addict/abuser to hold you hostage --- "if you want me to behave in a certain way, you have to do this for me".
It is my fears, my experiences and what I see in your words that inspired this message. It may or may not apply to your situation. It is for you to decide. We say "take what you like and leave the rest". You are responsible for your happiness, and again, I encourage you to find out more about al-anon and face to face meetings. It was my biggest mistake to not share what I was going through with people I loved and trusted outside of my marriage.
with love and hope, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Alaina, Welcome. I am reading your post and it actually made me squirm around in my chair. Sounds like me 26 years ago, when I met the alcoholic . We have been married for 24 years. Finally after 26 years, he has been sober for 18 days. I too never drank, nobody in my family drank. I knew nothing from the disease of Alcohol. I was 37 at the time. This is my experience and mine alone. If I knew about the disease back then like I do now . If I had the choice to go back, after living with the A, I would have chosen a different path. The years just rolled by. The disease is progressive, I got caught in the web of an illusion, that I also help create. Its not an easy path. Its not all doom and gloom. We have had some wonderful times. If you decide to stay with him, you must prepare yourself and go to Al-Anon. Don't let him make you feel responsible for his disease, they do that. Coming here was a good step. I wish you all the best. Bettina
Hi Alaina: I can relate to much of your story. The moving fast into a relationship, the unveiling the secrets, the feeling that you didn't want to reject him, the sense of overwhelming. The need to rescue, the need to be "there", the dependency issues. All of them are very familiar to me.
Everyone one has their own account of how they met an A. Some of our stories are very familiar. The issue for me was that I was "attached' meaning very very attached to someone who was out of control with their usage of substances for a long time. I regularly wondered if it would "work". I made it "work" somehow by putting myself last. I put his needs, his crisis, his health, his finances, his welfare before my own. Eventually it ended up that he took it all, my finances, my health, my home, my dogs, my belongings, my truck, my things, my peace of mind and my sanity. Of course that didn't happen overnight. Even after that I made it "work" I took care of his evey need when he was homeless, destitute and ill. I was ready and willing to commit everything all the time 24/7. I rarely if ever said no I can't.
I'm certainly not saying that this is where your relationship will end up. Neither is it a suggestion that your boyfriend won't stay sober.
The issue isn't either about this is where alcoholism will bring you. The issue for me was that I had my own "disease" codependency. I had the hallmarks of being ripe for acting dysfunctionally around an alcoholic. In fact I'd say I acted dysfunctionally around most people.
So you can in some ways look at this relationship as a "gift" that you get to work on yourself and your codependency. Of course we'd all like to say it all hinges on him and his sobriety and your behavior towards him. I'm of a different opinion I think your future hinges on you and what you're willingness to do something about your codependency.
There is a caveat there too that no matter what you do or say nothing but nothing can guarantee his sobriety, only he can do that. You can of course deal with your own codependency though so that no matter where your relationship goes you come out healthier.
I am going to my first face to face al anon meeting tonight. For some reason I feel very nervous about it all. Im shy in front of groups of people and it is not an easy thing for me to talk about how I feel.
I went to my first meeting the other night. It felt very weird but I guess thats normal. Im very shy and its hard for me to express my feelings.
Things are not going so well. My bf and I stared talking again the other night and decided to take things very slow. Then he read me what everyone said at his hot seat. (its where everyone tells you your liabilities and assets) I was one of his biggest liabilities the other being going back to where he lives. It really upset me when he told me this. I wasnt mad at him or anyone for saying that and I didnt freak out. It did make me sad but I was upset because I do not want to be a liability for him. I do not want to interfere in his soberity. I was trying to tell him how I felt and he got extremley mad at me. He wouldnt listen to anything I had to say. He hung up the phone and hasnt talk to me since. I guess its for the better........I dont know.
So, having an open, honest conversation seems difficult? Quite possibly, that is the tip of the iceberg. When I was with my Awife, she always shut me down... my feelings just didn't matter. And I let that be the norm... and got run over in the process. Part of what makes alcoholism so terrible is the selfishness and self-centeredness -- and we (the partners) are seduced into making THEIR feelings the only ones that matter. It is a recipe for disaster (and depression, insanity, etc).
He has a ton of stuff to work on... He does. No joke. Should you care if a really sick person says, "you are a liability"? That is not yours, sweet lady. That is another attempt at blaming something external to him for the problems that are internal to him.
I urge you to keep going to the face to face meetings as much as possible. Even if you leave him and this situation behind you, there is soooo much to learn and gain to find a lifestyle of fun, happiness and joy. And keep writing your feelings... it is very healthy and no need to be shy... just be honest, for your own sake and happiness!!!
with love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Thank you CJ. He finally called me today and we talked for a bit. He didnt apologize but I didnt expect him to. I told him when he gets out of rehab that I would attend AA meetings with him so I could understand more of what he is going through but in return he needs to attend some Alanon meetings to understand more of what I am going through.
I really do need these face to face meetings it is just so hard for me to open up. Its so hard for me to say what hurts and bothers me because I feel like Im just being unreasonable or I shouldnt be upset, like I should be tougher then this. I dont know. I do know that this is going to be a good thing for me.
Hey, don't worry about feeling "unreasonable" or "upset". It is insanity that creeps in when we choose to NOT express our feelings... when we stuff them down in and not talk about them.
You are also right not have any expectations... whether it is an apology, or expectations of him staying in AA or staying sober... expectations will only bring you disappointment. In my opinion, acceptance is what I need to see. I accept that my Awife chooses not to quit drinking. I accept that she chose booze over our marriage. I am not hurt when I look at it like that. She suffers from a disease that makes her thinking distorted and self-centered... it is my job to not join her!!!
take care of you! c
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
A, fyi, you do not need to share at al anon meetings. I attended meetings for a good 6 months without saying a single word. Sometimes its just best to listen. Hugs. J.
