The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first time posting although I have been reading for a while. A little background on me: I am in a relationship with a wonderful man whom I want to marry someday. He has been clean off of meth for 2years and he will soon get his 90 day chip from AA. I am so proud of him! He is really working on the steps and soon wants to get a sponser. Before he started his recovery, I started to go to Al-Anon, but did not go for very long. Then a while later I started going on a regular basis (for about 2months now). Now we attend meetings 2x week. Al-Anon has helped me and is starting to sink in a little, but it is hard. While going through the things with my boyfriend, I have had severe anxiety, panic attacks, etc. I have alot of trust issues from the lying, disrespect, etc that went on during his use. I have found that I do have good days and I feel that I am improving in alot of ways, but this past week was a set back for me. Sometimes I feel like I take one step foward and ten steps back. I found myself doing the stinkin thinkin all day (this past week was really bad and couldn't get myself out of that funk) - could'nt concetrate on work and all my trust issues came running back. I even caught myself checking his phone...which I haven't done in so long. I felt so guilty because he has given me no reason whatso-ever to doubt him. I have realized that I have a long way to go in my recovery. It also made me take a very good look at myself and what problems I have contributed to in this relationship. I know I can't cure or change it, but I realize that some of my actions can make things worse. So I am struggling lately. I am so afraid that if I don't get better with my self that it will drive him away and also make me very unhappy. I do not want to have these bad thoughts anymore. I want to feel more confident. I am posting because I want to get better for myself ....and for him. I want to have some peace. If anyone can give me some words of encouragement or advice I could really use it. Thanks for reading.
Welcome mslouise, sounds like you're making good progress already.
For me, when I start getting to a healthier place, my disease goes, "Aack!!! unfamiliar territory!!! danger!!! Stay out!!!"
And I have a choice (dang those choices) - I can scurry back to my uncomfortable, but familiar-feeling, disease; or I can sit with the feelings of discomfort - heck, fear and panic - as I get used to healthier behaviour.
I think this is the reason my progress is - it seems to me - so slow: I have to stop after just a tiny bit of progress, kind of like catching my breath on a mountain climb. Now sometimes I DO scurry back downhill - but you know what, the path doesn't implode behind me, it's still there, and I can try again.
Have you tried a gratitude list? Mine works best for me when it's very specific - I'm grateful for the time I worked my program this way xxxxxxx, or the time the neighborhood was completely quiet except for my own footsteps and I actually NOTICED, etc. Another idea I've heard about the gratitude list is that it helps get me out of the problem and into the solution.
Reading old posts is always good too. Welcome, pull up a comfy chair, get yourself a cup of tea. Glad you're here.
Early sobriety is not easy, so the more you allow yourself to ride the roller coaster with him, the harder it will be for you. Keep doing what you are doing, and allow yourself many breaks from him and his struggle.
Do you have a daily reader, like Courage to Change or One Day at a Time in Alanon? If you don't maybe buy or borrow one from your meetings, and make a point of giving fifteen minutes or so every day to it.
Welcome. I found this board some time last year; I think it was around April or May. I found reading the posts helped me a lot. So I would encourage you to read over the posts as often as you can.
Setbacks appear to be part of the process for most of us. Please be kind to yourself. Eventually, the number of steps forward out number the steps taken backwards.
Trust issues is part of the process, too. I have found that while I can trust my husband's desire to stay sober, I can't trust the disease. Therefore, I don't work on trusting him, but strive to trust "me."
Before facing my husband's alcoholism, I did not want to admit my trust issues with myself. Furthermore, I wasn't aware that I lacked trust in myself. I'm finding the more I trust myself, the better I can handle living with a recovering A, whom I "think," slips up a little. By slipping up, I mean having a drink or two every now and then.
Over time, after repeatedly trying to change him, I realized that the only person I can change is myself. I was the classic spouse trying to change her husband: I begged, cried, manipulated, humiliated, threatened, and reasoned. You name it, I tried it for years...... To place the focus and energy on me seemed so selfish in the beginning. But I see it differently now.
Welcome to the MIP family! Here you find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and humor (good for the ). You are certainly doing ALOT better than I did in the beginning. Don't be so hard on yourself. Recovery is about going backwards and fowards. We all have those really good days! We all have those really bad days too! The beauty of being in recovery is that we can restart our recovery at any moment we so choose.
Trust will always be an issue for me. I will never trust my AH's disease. I will always trust him. I knew him before we knew he had a problem. That man is still in there, although much of him has changed. It's like trusting that if you have cancer it will never come back. Be thankful that he's in recovery. Enjoy those sober days. Trust the disease? Never, not for me. That's not to say you revert back to old behaviors like I did. What you do, is continue to focus on your recovery. His recovery is up to him. Turn him and his recovery over to his HP.
Never give up hope. No matter how many times my A relapses and is struggling (and he really is at this moment) I have to believe that he will find his way back. Perhaps not. But I refuse not to give in to despair. That's what Alanon has taught me. I have learned how to detach with love. To let go and let God. ODAT. All those good things. That's why I know there is always hope. I have seen miracles happen here. I EXPECT MIRACLES! They don't call this board Miracles in Progress for nothing. Keep coming back to us. I wish you and your boyfriend the best in your recoveries. Love and blessings to you both.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
One of the most important things I learned from alanon was that relapse is a part of an addicts recovery. Almost 99% will relapse.
I realized that I wanted to learn to make my decisions knowing this.For instance: asking myself, am I willing to allow him to live with me again,knowing at some point, he is very likely than not, going to relapse? Do I want to go thru that again? For me it is no.
My heart and whole body,no matter how much or how long I have loved him,cannot go thru that again.
For me, I learned to love him in whatever condition he was or is in. I don't have to trust him as I have NO expectations. He has a very horrible disease, he does not even know when he will relapse!
Letting go of all the fear and anxiety changed my life.I have learned to love all people as they are, if they disappoint me, I suck it up and remember I can only change me. Either love them as they are or no longer be their friend etc.
I know it may sound like a foreign spell? concept, however, it works.
His disease is very dangerous for me. So I choose to stay away. Glad you are here. YES if you can get the books people recommend. Getting them Sober by Toby Rice Drew is my alanon bible.courage to change, one day at a time...
Hi mslouise and welcome to MIP. Here you will find people who either have been, are now, or will be right where you are. I must wonder if marrying this man is in your best interest. Alcoholism is usually progressive, and while many, many alcoholics get sober and stay that way for a lifetime, many, many others do not. It is a roller coaster ride, as you know well, and often you never get off. I don't think any of us, no matter where we are in our recovery, could say we do not have those dark feelings once in a while. It is the price we pay for inviting and keeping an addicted person into our lives.
If I had known my man was an A before I married him, I probably would not have married him. We are divorced now, and I can finally breathe the fresh air of freedom. You have the choice, and remember, it is going to be a difficult struggle at best, and a total disaster at worst. Nevertheless, you must do what seems right for you.
I wish you well. and I hope you will come back often to take advantage of the knowledge and support to be found here...and keep attending f2f meetings. They often become your lifeline.
My best wishes and hopes go with you,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
). You are certainly doing ALOT better than I did in the beginning. Don't be so hard on yourself. Recovery is about going backwards and fowards. We all have those really good days! 
We all have those really bad days too! 
The beauty of being in recovery is that we can restart our recovery at any moment we so choose.
Keep coming back to us. I wish you and your boyfriend the best in your recoveries. Love and blessings to you both.
