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Hey everyone, this is my first post so Im still figuring out how this all works. Both my parents were chronic alcoholics, my dad died a few years ago mostly attributed to alcohol. My mother stopped, drinking. Basically this entailed only drinking every other night. Both my parents were physically and emotionally abusive. I left home at 15 (Im now 26), slowly began building a decent life for myself (Didnt have much in the way of other relatives but was blessed with fantastic friends.)
Ive recently totally cut contact with my mum. Every so often shed go on a drinking binge for a few days and decide to give me the brunt of this in the way of harassing phone calls, emotional blackmail and the last time even phoned round all my friends and their family members causing trouble. She called my college drunk and I had to explain to my lecturers about my situation. I told the college not to take messages from her because this would encourage her. She sent the police to my house for her house keys, she turned up at my house at 3am and sent me a text message picture of my recently deceased step father (we were close) saying he would haunt me for not taking her calls. She threatened suicide, basically things got really out of hand and I didnt rise to it. This was all because she called me when she was drunk really early in the morning and I was off with her.
A few months later she contacted us wanting us to watch her cat while she went on holiday! I couldnt believe the cheek! I said no because she had already sent the police for her house keys and I didnt want to take them again. She then proceeded to tell me the whole thing had been blown out of proportion by me and hung up on me when I tried to talk to her about it. The worst part about this was that she was sober this time. I havent spoken to her since. I was so angry that she wont accept responsibility even after everything she had done.
I cant tell anymore if its the drink making her act this way or maybe its that she has a nasty personality and it just comes out more when she drinks. Shes extremely malicious.
The problem is that she has no one else as Im an only child. She was close to my long term friends and they are so angry that they dont want to see her either. Her long term partner died and the only friend she has lives far away. I know Im in the right but I keep thinking about her just pottering about on her own with no one. I dont feel I want to put up with her behaviour anymore and it will only be a matter of time before this happens again. I feel very torn mostly because she doesnt have anyone. Though at the same time I was there for her when her partner died and she got controlling and treated me like dirt when I wouldnt drop everything and put my all my focus on her 24/7. It really wasn't healthy. She began interfering in my relationships and with my career and me backing off brought on this recent trouble.
Talking to her doesnt work shes always in the right no matter how in the wrong she is, no matter how drunk or how sober she is, its always someone elses fault. Is it my responsibility to be there for her despite the fact Im really struggling to cope? I feel like my own mental health will suffer if I am in any sort of contact with her. Last week she tried calling me and I didnt pick up. What should I do if she just turns up on my doorstep? Or if I bump into her when Im out? Any advice would be appreciated. And likewise if I can help with anything give me a shout :)
Welcome to MIP and to the Al-Anon Family Groups. You are not alone!! If you look back in time at the number of posters that are new and the other recent members and the members who have some time just in this web site you will be numbers along with thousands. You are not alone and some of us have been very close to exactly where you are at now.
We don't give advise!! We do make suggestions based upon our experiences and based upon the successes we have witnessed from others in our program. If you give Al-Anon a very honest and humble try you will arrive at solutions and consequences you will be amazed at that presently you have no suspicion of.
For me my introduction to this mind, body, spirit and soul saving program came with a phone call to the Al-Anon hotline number in the area I was living in at the time (we are currently world wide). I talked to a person I have never met personally who convinced me not to hang up out of fear that my alcoholic wife would discover I was talking about her drinking and that my life would depend on the phone call. It did as it turned out. The woman convinced me to get to a face to face meeting in my area the next day and to pick up and read as much literature on the disease of alcoholism that I could find and to continue to go to meetings, study and learn the steps and traditions and look for a sponsor a personal help person to get me along. I took the suggestions including doing as many meetings as I could in the next 90 days (did over 112) and to keep coming back as often as I could. I took those suggestions and more as time went on and continue to do so including the suggestion of, "giving the program away to anyone who reaches out for help." That is what is happening now isn't it.
Suggestion? Find any face to face meetings in your area by looking in your local phone book for the Al-Anon hotline number. Find the nearest meeting and get to it as soon as you can. Get as much literature while you are there and read it all. Go to as many meetings as you can in the next 90 days and study and learn the steps and traditions of the Al-Anon program and look for someone, male, who appears to have the recovery strength you desire and ask if he would be a sponsor for you. Keep coming back; your life could depend on it.
You are not alone. You are part of a world wide fellowship of family, friends, and associates of alcoholics. You need not be angry, resentful, lonely or crazy any longer.
Hey Jerry, many thanks for replying. I understand about not advising as I suppose the answers are different and dependant on the individual situation. Ive been very lucky as I have a couple of close friends who I can talk to in similar situations. Sometimes I feel they are too close to the situation to ask them for advice. I went to a few meetings when I was younger but I didnt really get the concept at the time, not fully anyway. I was just having to go back home and live with the alcoholics and nothing anyone couldve said at the meeting was going to mean I wasnt thrown out on the streets or whatever when I got home.
Now though, Im at a different stage in my life and Ive grown as a person and am no longer living with anyone with an addiction problem. Im starting to feel ready to deal with the issues from my past.
Lately Ive been sorting my life out. I just ended a long-term relationship, partly because I felt it was heading in an abusive direction. Now that Ive left the relationship I am starting to see my partner was controlling and it wasnt a healthy relationship. Also one of my closest friends and flatmate has been asked to leave because of his addiction problems getting out of hand. I think Im prioritising in my life just now and removing destructive people. Its been quite hard to do but Im sure very necessary and a big part of healing. Its very hard when you love people to walk away.
A part of me would like to confront my mum about her actions. I know she would justify and turn the blame around which makes it pointless. Plus I dont want to push her over the edge by making her hear what I have to say. Though so much has been left unsaid and it kills me for her to be walking around genuinely feeling blameless for everything shes done. Reading some other posts on here has made me realise I feel guilty about my parents when I didnt think I did feel like that. I thought I had dealt with these issues but Ive still got some things to sort out.
I think I will go to a meeting. I like the idea of being around other people who have similar experiences and can understand. Its the 12 steps Ive always been a bit unsure about. I understand the relevance of them but Im not really sure they are right for me personally.
Good evening Mitch. I know you are British...aren't I amazing???!?!!??? That has nothing to do with anything really, except that the A in my life is also British, so you hit a soft spot in my otherwise hard heart.
I will not give you "advice," but I think it may be time to let Mum go. You sound like a decent, caring person, and this may be the most difficult thing you will ever do, but there comes a time when our own survival takes over, and we know we have done everything we can do for that person we love in spite of it all.
Go to meetings, and get yourself a firm grasp on how to take good care of Mitch! Come back here often, where you will find a wealth of understanding.
Diva.
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Hi mitch, the one thing that helped me majorly was when someone told me,"it is not your A talking, it is the drugs." Which is very very true.
you are not pushing your mom away or not accepting her calls.It is the disease talking,and who needs or wants to talk to that?
It is ok she has no one. She needs to feel the pain of that. It is one of the saddest things, we need them to get so miserable they may do anything to stop using.
If we help them, it is not them we help,we are helping the disease thrive.
"Getting Them Sober" is a great book.
Glad you are here, keep coming back.
It is very ok to go on with your life. We can only give where it is accepted.Maybe you can forgive her, as she is very sick.As with any disease, she can only help herself. you do not have to be the diseases kicking post. Don't allow it
