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Hi All, recently my boyfriend (A) went out. He was out for two weeks that I know of. Now he has been back going to meetings and working with his sponsor. A new sponsor that is.
My problem is I am having trouble trusting in anything he says and I just feel like he is up to something. I am obsessing about it. And it's driving me nuts. Even before he went out, it was the month from you know where. In his mind he was already out. So he was distant and not pleasant at all.
During the whole thing I just let him go through it. There was nothing I could do. I know that. It's not my job to save him. It still hurt like anything and messed up my head. I let him go through it and find his own way back. And he did it. I'm proud of him for that. But my gut says that there is something else.
Has anyone dealt with this? Any advice on how I can quit obsessing and just be. I'm exhausted.
Let me ask you this: how did you do this when he was drinking? Did you attend Alanon meetings? You use the same tools that Alanon teaches us when the A is drinking. I'm sorry he relapsed, but that's part of the disease. I wish it weren't so. Working your program is so important when the A is active. It is just as important when the A is sober. The dynamics of a sober vs. active relationship are very different. The year hubby was sober was very challenging for me. The emotions are different (no longer masked by the drug), the physical well being is different. He's changed so I had to change too. I wasn't dealing with the same person. I was changed too by his disease. When he relapsed I was devastated. It sickened my heart to see that. Every time he takes a drinks, it sickens me. I want him so much to get sober and stay sober. I'm not sure that he will. I want to believe that he will. I will continue to pray that he will. Will he? I don't know. There's the acceptance part of that. He has a disease and his recovery is questionable.
The trust issue for me, never comes back. It's not that I don't trust my husband. I do. He has never been unfaithful to me or hurt me physically. I am very lucky with that. But I do not trust his disease. The way I get through this is to remember Step 1. I am powerless over this disease. I will never trust his disease. An addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. There's nothing I can do about it. What I can do is turn him over to his HP. What happens from there is up to the two of them.
Keep working your program. It's a lifesaver. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
i think they call it hypervigilance. I know for me I would be obsessed with what the A did, where he was, what he said. I hovered. I went into minute detail about what he said and how was that untrue. There is a lot of cognitive dissonance in the A's behavior. All I can say is I had to detach and detach and detach.
One of the things that really works for me is to get busy. I know I have read a lot of other people's shares that when they got busy they got their mind off their husband. Of course that takes tremendous discipline and will when you are living with someone who is acting out. At the same time its a solution.
Right now I deal with a lot of issues, lots of really dysfunctional people, no A right there in my life but I can be off over reacting to it all if I want to. I know where that leads me. So at the moment I'm working the steps like a vengeance. Working a fourth step is a lot of work, lots of writing, lots of focus, not so much on the A. That works for me. I don't have an active A right here right now but I can manifest one I can make it my boss, my neighbor (all horribly dysfunctional). My boss called me drunk weeks ago I set limits. I pushed right back. She hasnt' called again but she is "out there".
I'm glad you did nothing for the A when he relapsed. I have some idea of what that took to do. I know with the man I used to live with (7 years) doing nothing is very hard. Its probably harder to have him out of my life because Im prepared to say I'm not in charge anymore. Turning it over is hard going isnt' it?
the issue for me isn't about trusting the A or anyone else its myself. i have to trust in my own instincts. These days I do go by that. I put the trust in myself first and then work on how much I trust others. I don't put anyone before me anymore.
I love a lot of things Dr. Phil says, including 'the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior'.
My 30 year old daughter is an active alcoholic/addict, and I don't trust her, period.
Why should I?
However, every second that I wasted, obsessing about what she was/wasn't doing was taking away from what I could be doing for myself.
Today, I keep my own recovery first and foremost, and that keeps me out of the obsessing.
Today my bar of standards for my home and my life are set high. Should my oldest ever choose to embrace recovery, my contact with her will still be extremely limited until I see at least a solid continuous year of sobriety and recovery.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Thank you all for your replies. It helps. How did I know what to do when he relapsed? I have attended Al-Anon meetings, but I too am a recovered alcoholic. I have been sober over a year. And truly my main problem is being co-dependent. So it has been a lot of work for me to detach (I love that word) from my A addiction and focus on me. Even though my heart wanted to do one thing, I tried to practice the principles I learned and hold on and do the next right thing. I didn't enable him. I didn't bug him to go back to AA. I simply one night blew up at him and said our HOME is a sober home. So if you are going to continue to drink/smoke, you need to leave. I will not stand for it. And then I walked away.
I did some reading and writing last night and feel better. I'm still just fearful that he may yet again relapse. It is the chance that I take in being with an alcoholic. So yes, I give it to my higher power. I am powerless over my A's disease. I am powerless over my disease.
Again, as I read all these postings I am able to see things more clearly. Not just pertaining to this relationship I am in, but the the previous relationship I was in with a man who abused me and was a drug addict. I let myself be sucked into his world and that is why today I am a sober member of AA. Life is better than it ever was. Even though I have had this month long ordeal. It's all in God's will.
i think codependency is a killer. Personally I know at least 5 people who have died from codependence. I know another who is mortally ill because she is codependent and did not go to a doctor for 12 years!!!
We really have rose colored glasses on about what this behavior does to us.
Doing the steps helps tremendously. I can really see in my steps where I learned to put my needs last. Somehow I used to think that was "noble". Now I think "noble" to who?
