One place to start might be to get yourself to an alanon meeting.  Take your son with you if you need to.  Then ask if there are local meetings with child care.  At this meeting - maybe a "beginner meeting" if there is one in your area - see if you can pick up a free "newcomer packet", which will have several really good pamphlets in it.  If you are in the USA or Canada, you can find a link to the various states'/provinces' sites, with meeting info, here:

www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.htm

If you're outside the USA, at the bottom of this same page is another link to "how to find meetings internationally".

Someone just posted earlier this week about how 

"Lately, I have recognized that when I get to f2f meetings, the group energy gives my recovery energy. And... being with the group gives me an open mind. When I have an open mind, something new can come in..."

This one step has the potential to open many, many doors.

Another place to start might be to start saying only things you are prepared to follow through with.  Partly so he will not come to disbelieve everything you say, but more importantly so YOU will not come to disbelieve everything you say.  This will not come all at once, and that's ok.  One of our sayings is "progress, not perfection".  And believe me when I say that we have observed that progress can be measured in minuscule steps.

Lastly, I want to encourage you to do something nice for yourself.  Maybe it's a bubble bath.  Maybe it's taking the baby to play in a park, and noticing the sunshine and laughter.  Maybe it's sitting and listening to a favorite CD, really listening.  I know this doesn't sound terribly constructive, but it turns out that by nourishing ourselves, we have the strength to face some of the terribly difficult situations that confront us.

Welcome to Alanon and to MIP.  You've already started with those baby steps.

thinkstoomuch

the irony in all of this is that i actually work at the Al-Anon World Service Office. my A got a good laugh when i told him i was applying for a job there and didn't really think i was serious. while i know that people here would be more than understanding and even helpful, i am not comfortable discussing that part of my personal life with them.
i am surrounded by every piece of Al-Anon literature there is and i know that i should go to a meeting, but i am just scared to death at the idea of it.

it's funny you mentioned taking the baby to the park. we did that last night and i couldn't believe my eyes. we were playing on the swings and this man got out of the car with his son. The dad sat on the park bench drinking a beer while his son played! it actually made me laugh a little and then all i could think about is how i wouldn't let that be my son's future.

place it all into HP's hands and watch it all work out perfectly. It has for me- let go and let god, easier said than done, I know but its what worked for me- hugs, J.

well if you are not comfortable sharing at work that's fine. I have huge boundaries at work about my private life.  I no longer share everything to everyone and then some.

I think willingness isn't always about executing here and now.  Sometimes it can be about sitting with the plan be for a while.  What are the obstacles, what are the pluses.  I had an instance of a place to go but no income and no way to pay for it.  I didn't go that route, I went another route.  Sometimes these things play themselves out. 

I know for me when I'm uncomfortable taking action is the only way to go. Usually those actions are not necessarily the right way to go. They're entirely familiar after all I feel uncomfortable lets do something drastic. Thinking things through is not my forte.

Is there a time limit on this place you can go?  Can you look for a job long distance? 

Many of us feel over responsible for the addict. There is a way to change that and it isn't necessarily overnight either. Detaching is one of them.  Making a point of not knowing is another. That may seem a paradox because so many of us feel like the only way to manage our anxiety is to know and second guess the A at every juncture then act on that.  What a way to live. Turning him over to a HP means that we stop trying to control the outcome of the A's life.
All of this is hard going and not achievable in a single day.

I'm 3 years plus in now and have to say I no longer feel responsible for the A I was with. Last year, last summer in particular I felt totally responsible and was overwhelmed with anxiety about him. I make a huge point of not knowing now, it is a conscious act, day in day out. I work on not knowing, not asking and not feeling responsible.  None of it came easily. Being willing was about being willing to make changes in me not just in relation to him.

For me patience is a huge issue too. Like you I want a whole new life, to be surrounded by functional people, to be in a space where it is clear what I have to do next.  My life hasn't worked out like that. I'm surrounded by dysfunctional controlling people. I believe there is a reason for that and it isn't about I'm a mean horrible person. Boundaries are pretty tough going for me. I have to work really hard to have them and not be super rigid in the process.

A program is a hard thing to work especially in the early days.  Its hard to see progress sometimes then after a while I get to a place where I can feel some peace even when I'm surrounded by craziness.  I know that's because I put in a lot of work.

This board is a good spring point for lots of work. Obviously if you have a small child your time is limited but you can go to meetings here. Everyone here in the chat room is very welcoming, tolerant, kind and they've all been where you are (in different ways).  No one here is going to tell you what to do but we do have suggestions. You don't have to take the suggestion and there are no brownie points for doing things a certain way. After a while after you hear enough stories you will see people working the program and changing their lives then you can choose which way you want to go with yours.

maresie.

This kind of "all or nothing" thinking is a symptom of your part of the disease.  I remember it so well - I felt like I had to just cave, and accept everything he did, or move away.  And since I couldn't figure out how to move away, I felt I had no choice but to stay.

This is not true, though.  We actually have many many choices, and different options. The problem is, the disease of alcoholism clouds our minds, so we can't see them.  The choices we allow ourselves to see are too hard, and so we become paralyzed. 

So, I have a suggestion. Go to a meeting tonight.  Read some program literature before bed.  There is nothing to be afraid of there - you know that you can find a babysitter, or take your child along, or find some other way to give yourself an hour.  If it were a doctor's appointment, you could do it.  Tomorrow, make one more small step - check out accomodation around the area, so you wouldn't have to leave your job, say.  Next day, open a bank account in your own name, or pack up your grandma's china that you have in the china cabinet so that if you do decide to go, that is one less chore to do.  Any small step that works in your life, that isn't irrevocable, but that simplfies your life.   Every day, read some more of our literature.  Practice a few of the tools that others mention, and see how they work for you.  Keep looking for baby steps you can take that will move you closer to where you want to be.  If a step seems too hard and impossible for you just now, don't make that step - make another one that you CAN do. 

For me, having a bag packed for me and for each kid, in the trunk of my car, with some money, spare keys, etc, made an enormous difference.  I started sleeping in sweats and a tee shirt, so that if I had to leave in the middle of the night, I wouldn't be running around trying to get dressed.  When I went to bed at night, I put my glasses by the back door, rather than beside my bed, so that if I wanted to go in the night, I could, without going back into a room that may have an angry drunk in it.  For me, it was this sort of thing that gave me enough space to take a deep breath, and actually plan, and act, rather than just react. 

I ended up finding enough alanon tools to make it possible for me to stay with my husband.  When I stopped adding to the stress in our home, it became a calmer place, and I was able to take the time to assess my marriage, rather than running in fear.  The abusive behaviour stopped, although the drinking and drugging did not - in fact his drug use got much worse.  Three years after this, my husband sobered up, with no push from me.  Although he knew I would be happy to see him sober up, I was a minor part of his decision, I know. 

When I ask my now almost grown children about their childhoods, they date the "turning normal" part not from their dad's sobriety, but from the time I stopped panicing, stopped reacting, and started taking small steps in the right direction.  Things won't work for you exactly the way they did for me - we are all different.  Many many of the people here found that leaving the alcoholic was the best move for them.  However, it is those who left because it was the best move for them, rather than as a reaction to the A, who managed to stay gone, and get some real improvement in their lives.  You didn't get here overnight, you won't get better all at once, either.

(((((Be4youii)))),

You start by coming here and going to meetings.  I know it may sound lame (it did to me at first).  But it's true.  Alanon gives us the tools we need to make decisions that are in the best interest of us, not the alcoholic.  The priority has to be what is best for you and your children.  If you want to leave you don't have leave NOW.  These things take time.  Do some research.  See what your options are for insurance.  There are programs out there to help with the children. 

It doesn't mean that you don't love him.  If love were enough to make the A sober, than the majority of us wouldn't need Alanon.  I wish love was enough.  I know my AH loves me very much.  But this disease has a hold on him, that I'm not sure he's going to survive it.  It breaks my heart.  I still have to go on.  I can't die for his disease.  In one way I'm lucky, children are not in the mix for me.  So packing up and leaving would be easier.  All I have to do is get Pipers Kitty into the carrier! 

Take some time to get to meetings, do some research and realize that the answers will come.  Turn it over to HP.  Answers come when we are most ready to receive them.  Hang in there.  Love and blessings to you and your family.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty

great share, Karilynn

-- Edited by Bettina at 21:54, 2008-06-25