The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
this is more just a rant than anything . . . . on the 12th of this month my A crossed a line that I told him I would not tolerate by getting drunk and heading to the strip club alone. like magic $300 is gone (at a strip club that doesn't sell alcohol) and even though he is a blackout drinker he swears to me that nothing happened but can't explain where the money went.
As much as it hurt, I told him he had one more chance. That this was really, completely it. Last chance. I had a really hard time with that decision and cried almost every day that week. I realized that I've completely lost respect for myself. What kind of woman stays with a man who has obviously cheated on her, and with strippers no less? I've gone from an admired, self-supported, respected woman with a fantastic job that I loved going to everyday, to a dependant, pitied woman living pay check to pay check working at a job I don't really like. But I was determined to really give him this one last chance. That way I know I've given it all I had and there was nothing more I can do. My form of closure I suppose. (I guess I'm falling but haven't quite made it to the bottom yet.)
He started going to meetings again. Made it to three in a row this time. But after seven days just couldn't hold on. Came home smelling like beer and trying to hide it. Completely blew me off when I asked him how many he'd had that day. Went out for drinks again the next day. Proud of himself for not getting too drunk and just drinking like a normal person. Tells me that he's come up with a new plan to deal with his alcoholism. Some program he found on the internet for $25 that can cure him and make it so he can drink like a normal person all the time. (has anyone heard of this BTW because I can't find anything about it?) Does he really believe that? He took Sunday off but brought home two 22s last night to drink while he mowed the yard. I asked him if he's given up on AA again and he said that he's just waiting to get $25 to order the internet cure. I guess he's going to just keep drinking until then??.. I know that soon enough (he gets paid tomorrow. maybe sooner than I think) he's going to go out and do it again.
My heart is breaking as I make plans in my head to leave. I've got a place to go and stay for free as long as I need it, but no job or prospects once there. Can I just walk out on my job here or do I need to give them the two weeks notice? Can I stick it out for two weeks after he falls again? Should I tell him I'm leaving while I wait? I know it's coming (but still hoping that I'm wrong) and it is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I just hope that I have the courage to actually follow through.
Your decision to leave or stay has to be up to you. We can't make that decision for you. Addicts don't need any excuses to do what they do - they're addicts. An addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. There's nothing you can do about it.
What you can do, is to take care of you. Do what is best for you and your family. If you leave it doesn't mean that you don't love him. It means that you don't want to die for his disease. Recovery is about taking back your life. It's living the life you so richly deserve. Your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if he chooses sobriety or not. I strongly encourage you to get to some local meetings. Meet people who are in the same position as you. Know that you are not alone in this journey of recovery. We are right here for you. Alanon gives us the tools neccessary to take care of us. It teaches us how to detach with love. It teaches us to put the focus back on where it belongs - us. The best thing I can do for me (and secondarily my husband) is to stay out of his recovery and keep working on me. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
It is hard. But you can do it. You sound ready. No one will ever say you didn't try everything. I promise, this too shall pass and YOU will feel better. Your life will be better and you will be wiser for going thru what you have gone thru. I'm not a fourtune teller but I have seen it happen like that for years in this program.
I knew when I was done. It wasn't easy, or pretty, or clean cut. It was messy and hard and painful and I really thought I just might die from the pain. I didn't. My life is so different today. I have peace, I have money(not much, but I can account for every single dime I don't have LOL!) I have respect for myself, I have friends, I have acceptence and love of myself. It was worth it.
And I don't mean the leaving him part. That was worth it but the real hard work was/is in working on myself. When I turned my focus onto myself, when I started to take care of myself and love myself, everything else just kind of fell into place.
Keep comming, posting and you will find the support you need to do whatever it is you need to do.
The A who I was with never saw sobriety as an issue.
I do know its pretty hard to come up with a plan be. I'm not sure what your plan be is. The ESH I would have it thoroughly vet it and look at what your next step is going to be. When I was looking at plan be I ran into similar issues like I found somewhere to live but had no money. I eventually left and kept in contact with the A for a good 6 months or more.
I don't know there is a "right" way to do this. I also totally understand about wanting to just "run". I think there are ways we can burn bridges though. If I were to leave an employer I'd like to let them know it was a family emergency.
The A who I was with did not react well to my leaving. Do you have a plan for that. I lost a lot of stuff when I left.
I can't say my leaving has been one great thing. I have new problems now and many of them are going to take a long long time to resolve. Nevertheless leaving did allow me to focus on me.
"Some program he found on the internet for $25 that can cure him and make it so he can drink like a normal person all the time." This made me smile - it's just such alcoholic thinking. And it shows you what you are up against - he just cannot imagine living without drinking.
That's him though - you CAN imagine a life when his drinking is not the most important thing in it. The way to get there is to take the next right step - you don't have to do it all at once, and you don't have to see the whole path ahead of you in order to start the baby steps. Start to disengage your finances from his, say, or pack up things that you don't need in day to day life. This does not obligate you towards anything, it will just make whatever move you want to make next, easier. As you start to get moving, the next step becomes clear.
do you want to leave because you think it will stop him from drinking, because you cannot manipulate a drunk. Why do you care if he goes and sees the strippers. Professional strippers have sex with men after the show? Why do you need to know how much he has had to drink? You really need to go to a face to face alanon meeting and keep going. If you want to leave because you want to do something good for your life and work on yourself and your own life, thats good. As long as you work on your program and recovery, either way, stay or go. It doesnt matter. Thats a decision only you can make.
One part of my program which I've really worked at is not knowing. Before I would work myself into an obsessive state of fear (one I'm familiar with as I'm from an abusive background). Not knowing what the A did is so key for me. If I know even a small piece I'll run with it. I'm a year into not knowing and it helps. I used to feel so totally over responsible for him. If I dont know I can't be responsible. Not knowing was a way to give him back the responsibilty for his life.
