The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A just replapsed. We have been together for 6 months and when we got together I new he was an A because I met him at an AA meeting. He had been clean for almost 9 months. I have been clean and sober for over a year with no intention of ever repeating what I did. Of course I can only take it one day at a time for myself.
The last two weeks have been so draining on me. He has been sober for two days now and I am exhausted. I have decided to stick it out and ride the roller coaster a bit more. I have tried very hard to not work his program and take care of myself. It's hard for me to not be codependent and want to "fix" him. I know I can't. It hurts so badly. One of his drunk nights he said some of the most hurtful things he ever could have said to me. I was devasted. I know it was him talking and that he is a black out drinker and can't remember. I have been so stressed, pained and anxiety ridden that I was feeling like I was losing it. The A and I finally sat down (after he had been sober for a day) and I told him what he did and said. He was horrified.
I hate this disease, but I am not ready to give up on him yet. I say if he relapses again I will have to go and continue with my life. What I worry about is not be strong enough to do that. I am scared I will continue to repeat my insanity of trying to make an A better. I know in my head that can't be done, but my heart doesn't seem to agree.
My question is how do I learn to take care of me? How do I make my heart and my head no what is right to do and not to do. Sometimes I am terrified of the "what will happen nexts". I am on that emotional down from all the stress. I just keep pressing through and reading these postings. Which help tremendously. Thank you.
(((Stefanie))) You are in AA, my wife is is AA, she is an active A. In AA, and in Al-Anon we both practice the 12 Steps. In Step 1 you admit you have no control over alcohol, but you apply it to yourself personially. In Al-Anon we also admit we have no control over alcohol, but we see alcohol as the alcoholic in our lives that we have no control over and our live have become unmanageable. That is where you are, not because of you, but because of the A in your life. I would strongly suggest you start attending Al-Anon meetings as soon as possible. Get the free litature, buy a book if possible. We learn how to take care of ourselves by using the tools, slogans, and experiences of other members. We learn just like in AA that it is "One Day At A Time". We learn that we must detach from the A, or the problem, and take care of "US" first. Go to the top of the pg. and type in "detach" and read earlier post on detachment, that will help you. Many members of MIP have years of experience, wisdom, and knowledge that can give you the help you are asking for. I am proud of you and your one year of soberity. You probably would say you could not be where you are without AA, and you know how it changed your life for the better. With that in mind it should not be hard to realize that Al-Anon will do the same thing in your life. It will help you deal with the problems you mentioned in the last Paragraph of your post. I promise you Al-Anon works, "If you work it". Al-Anon has saved a thousands of lives, marriages, and relationships. It will work for you and one day I hope you can look back and say what I can say. Al-Anon changed my life, and all for the better. I don't know where I would be without it. Thinking about you,and you are in my prayers. RLC
Thank you RLC. I will take your suggestions. That's why I am here. It's just all so painful what I am going through. I definitely need to learn about detaching. I want to change everything and make everyone better and I know I cannot do that. It just hurts so much.
One thing I am learning is that when someone gets abusive I remove myself from them. That doesn't mean I go to the end of the earth. When I found the rude notes on the soap container from one of my housemates I took myself out of their company. I've put up with so much most of my life and taken it so personally. Someone who leaves rude notes on a soap container and notes all over the house about cleaning up (when they don't do any of the cleaning per se) is boundaryless. I move away because I know what's coming next a whole heap of abuse aimed at me (although their penchant is never to be direct). Somehow now my watering my plants has damaged the foundation of the house according to them, what a lot a little bit of water can do! If only I were that powerful! Wow with one watering can and a hose I superceded all the floods in the mid west!
Sometimes its trial and error for some of us. I think the hardest thing in al anon is to get out of the A's way. I made soft landings for the A for years and years and years. I felt my commitment was to do that. In fact I was more committed to him than I was to myself. These days my recovery comes first. That comes before anything, comes before friendship, comes before work, comes before the works. If I don't have recovery I have nothing and I'll settle for so little I know where I'll be back to people pleasing and scavenging for a few crumbs.
So one of my suggestions is to revisit the commitment and put it to your recovery. If the A wants to recover its up to him, its not in your ballpark to make him recover (I find that such hard going because as someone who grew up in a house that was out of control I want to "make" people see what they are doing). One of the hallmarks of an addiction is that people keep at even when the consequences are there. For some people their denial is so high that they keep at it to their grave. Some others do get recovery, they get it and stick to it. I've found the hope for me has to be for my own life. My life is valuable whether the A is sober, alive, housed, friends with his mother, whatever. My life is valuable without him in it. I didn't obviously always feel that way.
I find it pretty hard these days to say that any "drunk" doesn't hurt someone. Personally its pretty hard to be around someone who is doing that to themselves. Yes some people don't rant and rave and drive erratically but nevertheless if you are around someone who is destroying themselves unless you are comatose you feel it and it "hurts".
There are tools in al anon that help with the hurt. One is working the steps. For me personally doing the steps as a codependent is a very different ball game. Seeing those charactor traits that are codependent is very very painful. My loyalty and trust issues are way out there. I am more loyal to dysfunctional people and keep putting my trust in people who have proved over and over and over again that they don't value me. Obviously big problems there, and a tremendous amount of work for me to do all work I have to do on 'Me" rather than fix the A's problems which are for "him" to fix not for me to obsess over.
Of course I used to be much more comfortable reeling off all the things that were wrong with the A because after all he was acting out and I wasn't (or so I thought!)
Many of us stay with an A for a long while, some people stay with an active A for a lifetime. There is no judgement here or a maxim of you have to leave or stay and lump it no one here is going to shoulda coulda woulda you because we've all been there and know how painful that can be for someone to shoulda you to pulp! Nevetheless this program that can help whatever you decided to do and for some of us decisions are moment by moment issues. The important thing is you are "willing" to be in recovery. You are willing to look at yourself and take the focus off "him". Whatever happens in your life (and there is no predicting what an A will do!) you will benefit from that choice and continue to benefit if you work on these issues and focus on yourself.
