The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first posting. I have been in a relationship with d for 9 yrs who is lovely when sober, but once he has a drink cannot stop! I have a son from a previous relationship and we have a daughter together who is 8. D insists that he hasn't a problem, that it's "all me" but is verbally abusive when he drinks, and tells me that he has to drink to be able to return home to such a fat lazy woman (cleaned up version!). His verbal abuse can last hours and happens once a month or three times a weekend. We have been to counselling together, when he stated that "if that is what happens then it is unacceptable but as i am is so drunk i can't remember what i've said or done, it can't be that important." He doesn't accept that as he doesn't need a drink first thing in the morning or that it doesn't effect his work, that he has a drink problem. Is there such a thing as a binge alcoholic?
Welcome to MIP Kimo.... alcoholics have several different tendencies, but whether he drinks all day & every day, or whether he occasionally binges.... if it is a problem, then it is a problem....
You've found a good place here, to begin the process of working on you.
Enjoy the journey...
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I was a binge drinker and very much an alcoholic. My ex was a daily drinker, and extremely abusive physically/verbally/emotionally, also an alcoholic.
I always cringe when I read about abuse, regardless of the form, because I can remember like it was yesterday. I had no self-esteem, and believed that I deserved to be treated that way
I hope you are able to begin the healing process for yourself, and come to realize that you are a child of God, worthy of love and respect..
I will keep you in my prayers.
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I can relate to all my issues being dismissed. I still balk when this happens. Then I start to take action. There are a lot of actions you can take one is to detach detach detach and detach some more. That is a hard thing to do at first. Another is not to argue. Some of my illness is expecting things from people who are ill. I expect very little now. In al anon we call that going to the butchers to buy bread.
If you see it as a problem there is a problem. The issue for so many of us is we get obsessed with changing the A. Of course when someone is hell bent on self destruction its pretty hard not to get upset. I over functioned in the role I had with an A for 7 years, he was caustically critical of whatever I did. He had no time for me to be upset, ill, depressed whatever, he was the only one who was allowed to have feelings, thoughts and indeed to destroy everything around him. He found blame with everything I did from the dishes, to the laundry, to the house, to the furnishings, to the decor, to the time I watched tv. He would complain bitterly that I watched tv while he spent thousands on alcohol and drugs.
They are pretty difficult people to live with yet for years I felt I could not live without him. My attachment increased the more he acted out the more I tried to change him or convince him that he was hurting me. I don't think to this day he would ever acknowledge what he did or what the affect was on me. What's changed is that I stopped waiting for him to do that.
You'll find a great group of people here. You can watch people work the program and learn how to do that. This program has lots of techniques and observations and ways to get "free". You may stay you may go its irrelevant in some ways. The key thing is you will change and you will change for the better.
Are you able to get to meetings? This board helps, too. Between what I read on these boards, in books and through individual counseling, I began to really see that I have choices.
I have found that when a person is really ready to face the truth, no matter how painful or scary it is, truth sets one free. I look back on how I lived and can't believe that I tolerated any of it. Life is better now.
My AH "might" be falling off the wagon some; I only have prove of one time. However, whether he is or not is not what I focus on. I feel I can live with him or without him and be happy.
Please read between the lines, especially when it comes to last sentence in the above paragraph. Some might have difficulty understanding it. I would have at one point not too long ago.
He a.n d welcome to MIP , it really dosent matter how much or how often he drinks ,its what his drinking does to you , al anon can help u detach from his abusive outburst ,which wethr drunk or not are totally unexceptable - regardless of what he says you are not the reason he drinks ,m 50 lbs lighter or not he will drink because he has a problem period and it's not you , trust me I have been where yur at .Like has already been suggested please find f2f meetings for yourself there is nothing u can do about him but alot u can do for yurself . Just my opinion here but counceling when still drinking regardless of how often is a total waste of time and money . they just don't think clearly when still drinking . Until your husb says that what he is doing is causing HIM aproblem it isn't , it's causing yu a problem . If you are concerned with his reaction to your going to meetings , try , your right I am going to al anon because your drinking is causing me a problem . he won't be able to argue with that one . hehe since like in my case I was told often that it was me who had the problem . good luck louise
