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Hi, I am new to this posting site and was looking for some guidance. I have been to one Al-Anon meeting, but haven't been to another.
My BF & I live together and he is an Alcoholic/Addict that had almost put together nine months. However two weeks ago he slipped and went out. He started drinking and smoking pot. This isn't the first time I have been in a relationship with an Alcoholic. I never thought he would go out and I really thought he had it. He seemed to work a good program, however he suffers from mental disorders such as depression, Borderline Personality, anxiety and so on. He does take meds.
When he drinks he is a black out drinker and is very mean. He has only been verbally abusive, but I worry about the physical. I know I need to get myself out of the situation, but at this point I can't afford to. I am simply walking on egg shells all the time and worry about what mood he'll be in when I get home or if he will be drunk when I get home.
He has now finished his smoking substance and says he has a "plan". He has not started going back to meetings and is about to lose his job. I fear he will start drinking again.
I know about the mental obsession that he suffers from. I guess I am just looking for some feedback to help me get through until I can move and get away from the situation. It is hard because I truly care for him, yet I know that isn't enough and that I can't change him. I can only take care of myself. But it is still very hard.
i can definitely relate to where you are coming from.
The A who I was with never did get sober at all. He didn't even try.
There is a saying in the program that when someone has been sober and goes out it is not the same as being drunk/using all the time. They know a time of being sober.
You are in the right place being here. You can get tons of suggestions.
I can relate very very very much to not having the money to move. I did not have that for a long time. I researched lots of options for me. I actually got a rent grant from one agency but that was after I had moved out. There are opportunities. Of course we dont' like any of them, why can't they just get sober but that isn't in my control.
I have to say I moved out. My life is still one hell of a mess. It isn't a pretty picture at all. I struggle a lot. I barely make ends meet and really really really struggle with bills, medical care, dental care you name it I struggle with it. At the same time I really work on taking advantage of whatever I can. I go to therapy (low cost) any chance you can get that? I come here (daily) and I work on an al anon program (got a sponsor). working the steps really really helps.
Some of us here have faced tremendous obstacles staying with or leaving an A. There is no nirvana wonderful solution to this stuff, sometimes it pretty hard going. Some days it isn't. There are people here who are pretty happy and others who like me are really struggling. I do not deal with the A I was with anymore. I can't tell you specifically how I did it, I do know it was the program program program. I would still be interacting with him otherwise.
I lived with him for years after I came here, the more I worked the program the easier it got. Did he get better, nope he got much much worse (nothing to do with me) and he eventually ended up homeless or worse. Before al anon that would have destroyed me.
Thanks for your response. I feel so weird being on this posting because after I left my exABF, I went into the program of AA. Thinking I was an Alcoholic. I now know I am not. I am co-dependent and needed to change someone. However, I replaced Alcohol with Co-dependency and worked steps that way.
That is how I met my BF now. In the program. I so thought he had it. I was definitely wrong. I don't know what his bottom will be. Death maybe. He has been trying to stay sober on and off for many years. It just kills me.
My problem is I can't get my heart and my head to think the same. I just think, it's such a simple program if he can just be willing. The pain of being sober (everyday) life is much easier to go through than the pain of going out again and using.
It is just very depressing and it is consuming all of my energy. I just started a new job and love it. Things in my life are great. It seems like he doesn't want me to be happy if that makes sense at all. I just don't get it.
Well I only have to look at my own life and see lots of self destructive behaviors that took me a long time to get to. Codependency is not loving I think it is tremendously self destructive. People pleasing is every bit as compulsive as taking a drink for me at least. Putting myself last is also a really incredibly self destructive, erosive horrible thing to do. I used to think being a martyr was "generous" when it really isn't.
For me the essential thing was to get the focus of "him" and onto me. Of course I didn't want to do that. He was the "mess" not me. When I look at my own life today its such a difficult thing to move on. I could spend my life resenting the A and what he did. That would be an "easy" focus. The hard thing is to look at me. Why do I gravitate towards alcoholics there are other people in the world after all? If you pursue the journey through codependency you'll get to focus on things about yourself rather than the "mess" he makes. You will get to look at when you saw the alcoholism and when you were in denial. For me the red flags were there early, for some people they aren't.
There are no guarantee's with anything but I know for me personally I have severely and I mean severely circumscribed who I deal with and how I deal with them. I really cannot bring anyone else into my life who is acting on an addiction. Does that mean I am rude surly or mean to those who are. I am not but I don't engage beyond being pleasant (and sometimes thats hard for me sometimes the best for me to do is not to "engage"). I do the best I can but certainly am not a model because I am really really afraid of getting involved with another alcholic and ending up with "nothng".
Toby Rice Drew has some good books on alcoholism and living with it. Melody Beattie has some great texts on codependency. For me the issue is no more why doesn't someone become sober, its about me and my sobriety (rather difficult to quantify sometimes). Like you I've chosen not to drink anymore. I made poor choices when I drank, I wasn't compulsive about it but it certainly was very useful for me. I can quite understand why anyone would become addicted to and dependent on stuff. The issue for me is that my life is a mess when I live with somene who is dependent on substances and I deserve more than that.
I like the book by Melody Beattie. I have read it before. I also read a book by Robin Norwood called Women Who Love too Much. It was me to the tee. I learned a lot about myself from that book.
I have tried very hard to not get into my old behaviors, but here I am again. The insanity is repeating. One good thing....I am still sober and don't have a desire to change the way I feel by putting anything into my body. I can deal with it through my support system and coming to these postings and learning more. I also will not tolerate abuse of any kind. I will simply call the police and have him arrested if it ever got to that. It's not a way I chose to live anymore.
I hope that you are able to find peace with your circumstances. I just always remember that this too shall pass. I try to be greatful for what I have and remember that it could all be much worse. I could be right back to where I was over a year ago. It will never be that bad again.
Personally I try hard to not get into how bad because sometimes life is very hard. I know for me personally codependency is life threatening so I try to focus on that. I don't focus on how life threatening it is for an alcoholic because I have to focus on me. I may be years working on me but that is where I am right now.
I know also that I held back from leaving the A because I knew I was in a real mess and not in a good place to leave him. I did not access all the services I could and should have and held back and held back. I did not go to services which would have offered me services like looking at my options because I kept holidng out waiting for him to get better. He had several rallies when he improved but eventually he really went off the deep end. I knew it was bad and indeed it was bad when I left and I think worrying about how bad it could be held me back from taking actions which I actually really needed to do. I take serious action every single day to do better but some of them take a long time to come to anything.
