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My AH loves to fish. He and his fishing buddies, some are family members, have always planned a few weekend fishing trips per year, throughout several decades. Of course, alcohol is "always" a part of the weekend package.
Last year was my AH's first year to pass on the trip to a particular lake (uh... he was in rehab). This year, he thinks he is safe to go because he can always "turn around and go home if the temptation to drink arises." His words, not mine.
I don't buy it. I didn't buy it "before" I found a Pepsi bottle 1/4 filled with whiskey this weekend (he claims it was his first drink since rehab last Aug. '08. I don't buy that, either. But I"m not arguing about it.
But have you every known an alcoholic that can attend a get-together that includes alcohol and not drink? I would think not; however, I'm not an expert by any means, even though I've been living with an A for 34 years!
I do not think my AH can go to any function with alcohol, especially with a bunch of men, and not drink. When he told me he could, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
I have never known an active A to go to a function with alcohol and NOT drink. Ever. Even if they don't drink at the function, it makes the itch more itchy. I have known many recovering A's to go to functions where alcohol is being served and do ok with it. Most of the recovering A's I know who can do this have years and years of sobriety and still take procautions like driving themselves so they can leave if they want to, they take another recovering A with them, they have their sponser on speed dial.
Now, that being said, it doesn't really matter if they drink or not, what are YOU going to do (will someone PLEASE tell me who says this all the time?????)
My experience has been that, with time, some A's can indeed attend events where there is drinking involved, and are strong enough in their sobriety that they don't waver....
With your A sneaking whiskey this past weekend, he's obviously not at that place just yet....
Sigh... I DO hate this disease.
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Now, that being said, it doesn't really matter if they drink or not, what are YOU going to do (will someone PLEASE tell me who says this all the time?????)
I'm taking care of myself. I'm minding my own business. That is, I'm not preaching to him, not pleading, not calling his buddies to preach or plead, either.
Thank you for your input. I appreciate your reply.
My experience has been that, with time, some A's can indeed attend events where there is drinking involved, and are strong enough in their sobriety that they don't waver....
With your A sneaking whiskey this past weekend, he's obviously not at that place just yet....
Tom
I agree, the sneaking the whiskey is a big red flag. I will not try to stop him from going. Being there. Done that. Don't choose to be there are do that ever again. Futile.
It's heartbreaking. But I'm not devastated like before. I know I must take care of myself and move forward. He can come with me if he chooses sobriety. I'm prepared in every way to live with him or without.
In answer to your question can an A go to a funtion and not drink ? Yes they can .occasionally my husb has asked me to leave early because he is uncomfortable - dosent happen often . Once committed to not drinking he was able to go anywhere . your husb is already drinking again so. his odds are not so good - you can't stop him from going or drinking so make plans to enjoy your weekend alone and take care of you , he will do what he has to do and i pray for his sake he decides to not go . Louise
People in recovery can. But most of them see them as slippery places. Some of them take years to feel comfortable at that.
I think the key is not to focus on "them" hard as it is. You can't stop him from going. What will you do? What are you going to do to take care of you. Easier said than done I know. I spent years obsessing and chronicling when the A used. I didn't know most of the time when he did. Eventually he used 24/7 nothing but nothing I did stopped it. That's one reason I choose today not to interact with him not that I see him as a hopeless case but the pain of dealing with it is too much for me.
The obsessing is part of our illness. Giving up obsessing for some of us is like giving up breathing. We can make it all "them" but it isn't all them. We have a life too. We deserve a life that isn't all about them and whether they stop or not isnt' the issue. I wasn't put on this earth to monitor the ex's drinking. I wasn't put here either to say all my problems were because of him although I do have extreme, really really severe hardship because I engaged with him.
It is very possible that if your AH is surrounded by people who "know", he may very well refrain or keep it under control.
MY AH loves to fish too and had his annual trip with his buddies about 6 mos after coming out of rehab. His buddies love him, but had no intention of changing tradition and going alcohol-free, though they bought a lot less.
After the trip, his buddy told me that AH did drink but kept it very well controlled and it was the best fishing trip they ever had. One previous year they just dressed a fan like my AH and gave it a cigar to stand in for him when he was passed out. Another year they toilet papered him. It was the first time in many years that he actually socialized.
That said, drinking anything still feeds the disease. My AH just wanted to be normal, you know, to have a beer every now and then. If he didn't end up in the intervention program he did, I know it would eventually have got him.
As for Seren's question re: who says, "...what are YOU going to do?", I thought that was from canadianguy, but he didn't claim it so now I wonder too...
Blessings,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
But have you every known an alcoholic that can attend a get-together that includes alcohol and not drink?
I know many, and I've been to hundreds of events that include alcohol without drinking myself in the time I've been sober. Now an *active* alcoholic.... probably not. I don't know the exact phrasing but the Big Book says if we maintain our spiritual condition, we can go anywhere. Now if I were to attend an activity where the predominant activity is drinking, I probably wouldn't go. Just because... what's the point? My town used to have an annual festival, and I looked forward to it every year. There's more to do than drink, but since I've been sober, I have not gone. I missed it only the first year. After that, I just don't want to be in a crowd of drunks anymore.
Re. the "Pepsi"... do you think if he's had only one drink in a year, that you would find it? What are the odds? If he's careless enough for you to find evidence, it's just the tip of the iceberg. That makes him an active alcoholic. Of course there's nothing you can do to stop him from going on this drinking excursion. Expectations are premeditated resentments...
Stormie, It shouldnt even matter, if he does or doesnt go to this event and drink. You should be concentrating on you and what are you going to do for yourself that weekend when he decides to go. The focus is not on the alcoholic, the focus is on you and your choices. The hardest thing of all is to learn detachment. It will save you.
barisax wrote: I know many, and I've been to hundreds of events that include alcohol without drinking myself in the time I've been sober. Now an *active* alcoholic.... probably not. I don't know the exact phrasing but the Big Book says if we maintain our spiritual condition, we can go anywhere. Re. the "Pepsi"... do you think if he's had only one drink in a year, that you would find it? What are the odds? If he's careless enough for you to find evidence, it's just the tip of the iceberg. That makes him an active alcoholic. Of course there's nothing you can do to stop him from going on this drinking excursion. Expectations are premeditated resentments...
Barisax
Barisax,
I can understand that a "recovering" alcoholic can attend functions that include alcohol. My husband has told me that there have been a few occassions this year where he was around alcohol and was able to substain. However, this fishing trip is a 3-day event. I can't imagine him being around this group of men for that long and not drink. They do fish, don't get me wrong. But they do drink, too. Plus, I do not think any of them understand alchoholism. I sense that my brother-in-law thinks I went over the top when I left our home last July. (I do not agree with his viewpoint, nor let it bother me much.)
Regarding finding the Pepsi bottle last weekend: I don't know if it was his first relapse. It could have been. It doesn't matter to me. I didn't beg, demand, or try to manipulate the truth from him. I realize that is his issue to deal with. He did comment that he has not practiced his daily meditation and read from the book as he had done so when he first got out of rehab. He has attended 2 f2f meetings per week. But he hasn't a sponsor, nor does he work the steps. I have stayed out of it. I do not give him advice.
I also realize that I need to focus on me and not obsess over whether he is "active" or not. Moreover, I know better than to obsess over what he will do if he decides to go on this fishing trip.
I am taking care of myself. Bottom line: I do not want to live with an alcoholic. If he has begun to sneak drinks again, I can predict what is down the road. I do not want to go down that road ever again. In the meantime, I am taking care of myself, but I can't help but keep a vigilant eye on him.
Stormie, It shouldnt even matter, if he does or doesnt go to this event and drink. You should be concentrating on you and what are you going to do for yourself that weekend when he decides to go. The focus is not on the alcoholic, the focus is on you and your choices. The hardest thing of all is to learn detachment. It will save you.
The way I see it, it does matter. For if he chooses to drink again, I will choose to leave for good this time. It might appear selfish. But I can't function with an active alcoholic. Nor will I try to function with one.
You and I sound a lot alike! I also "refuse" to live with an active addict. My AH went to rehab three years ago over a crack addiction, but has used many different means to feed his addiction throughout the years; alcohol, pot, pills, cocaine, crack..... I have throughout our 13 years of marriage been steadfast that I would NOT accept any of it, and we have been apart several time because of his addictions. However, we are still together, and the roller coaster ride continues. I love him, and don't want to divorce, I just want peace and serenity for me and my two children. But, I also do not want the drama that comes with using drugs or alcohol. I posted on here a few days ago about my situation, and received the reply from someone to "set boundaries" with him, and stick to them. It's hard, especially when your unsure of whether they are using or not.
I just wanted to let you know someone else has the same situations going on in a different home. Hugs.
Hon, this is the good and productive kind of selfish. It's the kind that protects and guides us to serenity.. It is the wisper of HP telling us to take care of ourselves.
These are hard decisions, and we do not stand in judgement( well, we try hard not to, that's growth, right?). We each have to make the decisions that are right for us.
Good for you for figuring out what you can and cannot live with, setting the boundary, and being ready to enforce it. It took me over 2 years to do that. Progress, not perfection.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I posted on here a few days ago about my situation, and received the reply from someone to "set boundaries" with him, and stick to them. It's hard, especially when your unsure of whether they are using or not.
I just wanted to let you know someone else has the same situations going on in a different home. Hugs.
Thanks Stariana. It is somewhat trying to not know if they are active or not. Even though I'm taking care of myself and not delving into his business, I catch myself studying his moves to see if he has been drinking. Sometimes, he comes home so tired from working outside in the heat all day that he appears a little drunk.
I know we aren't alone, unfortunately. Thanks again
Hon, this is the good and productive kind of selfish. It's the kind that protects and guides us to serenity.. It is the wisper of HP telling us to take care of ourselves.
These are hard decisions, and we do not stand in judgement( well, we try hard not to, that's growth, right?). We each have to make the decisions that are right for us.
Good for you for figuring out what you can and cannot live with, setting the boundary, and being ready to enforce it. It took me over 2 years to do that. Progress, not perfection.
In recovery,
Thank you for not judging. I know some do; I used to judge, too.
I also know what is right for one person, isn't always right for others. Some significant others and spouses can live with an active alcoholic. I did for many, many years, most likely because we had two growing children. But now that I'm older (53) I choose not to. I still feel very young, healthy and have so many goals to strive for. I love life. I have learned to listen to pay attention to my feelings. They tell me to not take it if he chooses to regress.
