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Well, I went away for the weekend w/my son, his girlfriend and my grandson. We had such a nice time. I figured AH would call me, so I wasn't planning on answering the phone. My grandson answered it while we were outside though, and it was AH. Of course, he was drunk. (If any of you remember, he was suspended from his job two weeks ago, told if he ever came to work drunk again, he would be fired, they've put up w/it too long, he detoxed and was sober last week but no other plan for recovery). Of course again, last week's sobriety was just to give his body a much needed break. He had no intentions of ever staying sober, just likes to play the game. Which I know, so it's not any surprise to me that he drank this weekend. Anyway, on the phone, stupid me says "and of course, you drank today", he says "nope, not one" (which in alcoholic translation means "yes, plenty!"). Anyway, I absolutey refused to let it upset my weekend, even w/the thought that he will lose his job this week, and I went on to have a perfect weekend enjoying my family. When I got home last night around 6 p.m., he was already passed out, didn't wake up the whole night. I slept on the couch. This morning, he wakes up at 6 a.m., tells me he's going to the gym (the man hasn't been to the gym in 7 years!). I'm like "good", he asks if I'm mad. Tell him I'm not mad, that I'm leaving it in my HP's hands and if he gets fired, my HP is telling me "it's time to go". Anyway, he leaves to "go to the gym" at 6:30, I start getting ready for work, I leave about 8:10 a.m. and I see his truck almost turning down our block, but when he saw me, he just drove straight. Of course, I had to head him off at the pass, went down the other block and we met at a stop sign. He gets out of his truck saying "I know, I know, I got a big problem, I'm not going to work today" (cause he's really drunk by this time). I said to him that he better have a plan by tonight when I get home, that either he signs himself into an intensive outpatient program, signs himself into rehab or he decides he's going to continue to drink himself to death, plus lose his job and then possibly his family! I said either way, some plan better be in place tonite when I get home. Now I know when I get home, his plan will be that he finished drinking and got drunker for the remainder of the day, and that will probably be tomorrow's plan too. Next plan will be that he loses his job and he's gonna work at the golf course (which he does not have the health to do). He will, of course, not tell me these plans, he will have "made up" plans, like he checked into outpatient counseling and nothing is available, or they want him to go more than one day a week (how dare they???) and that cuts into fishing/golfing (drinking) time. Then he'll say he's gonna go to AA, which he may, he's gone there drunk plenty of times. I don't want to lose it, I want to maintain my serenity. If any of you know a way I can keep it while he loses his job, and we face financial ruin and possibly foreclosure before I decide if I'm going to stay or leave, would you please let me know. Thanks for listening. Terri
One of my favorite sayings on this board is "they are going to drink or not. What are YOU going to do?" I wish I could remember who says that because it has been one of the best tools in my box. What do I want, need, feel, think....when I bring it back around to me, everything gets so much clearer. The fog lifts and I am able to decide. Until I can get to that place, I do nothing. When the pain of change becomes less than the pain of staying the same, I change.
all I can give you is my ESH. No amount of confronting, screaming, demanding, ultimatums got the A I was with sober. I used to scream until I was hoarse, beg, plead, follow him around the works.
I started to work this program which is to focus on me. I made a plan b, I hated making it, every day I raged that I had to make it. I put it out there, I looked at it. I called people, I raged some more. I detached, I started giving the A to God. I raged some more. I made myself sick with obsession and worry then I detached. The first time I detached I felt such a sense of peace. I gave up worrying.
I went back and took up the reins for the A again, tried to fix him. That lasted 3 months, people here put it back to me that I did not need to give him before I gave to me. I still did it but there was a voice in my head saying this was a choice rather than a compulsion. I started detaching again. I started saying "no" and meaning no.
Then a key component of my "plan be" came through last September, a way out. That helped. I'd been putting it out there to the universe.
Did I lose a great deal, certainly financially, materially, spirtiually all the way yep but there was a non win situation, once the A got to a certain point in his addiction he was on total self destruct and still is as far as I know (not knowing is indeed an art that requires a great deal of practice).
All my focus was on him for years. Like you I could not fathom how he could throw it all away. I was still waging my own battle with the disease. Now I am not I surrendered because that disease takes on prisoners.
Now my life is certainly really really really super hard. No fairy tale here. But it is better and I use al anon day and night to manage still.
At the same time I do detach these days by the hour, by the minute by the immediate. I do firmly really super firmly believe in letting A's suffer the consequence of their disease. Screaming and trying to control them wasn't one of them that was in some ways a way to enable the one I was with. He had something to "drink" about then. Of course he always had something to drink about.
I'd suggest making an investment in this room, get to know people here, get to listen how they did it. More than one of us has been down this treacherous path, its a hard one but it is possible to make it without losing your sanity.
I give very good advice. I have read all the books, think alot, and generally have a good head on my shoulders. My problem has been that NOONE in my family, which is deeply affected by alcholism, ever sees the brilliance of my suggestions. LOL.
One strategy that has worked well for me is to take my own advice. Whatever advice I am giving the other person, I turn it around and see if there is something I might myself take from my own advice.
In this vein, my question for you is--if your husband, as you predict, continues to drink and looses his job, what plan do you have to protect your own well-being?
You do not have to go down with a sinking ship.
I don't know how many times I myself have been sitting on the deck of a sinking ship shouting at the top of my lungs "We're sinking, We're Sinking." Doesn't do a damn thing unfortunately except for leave me very frustrated, stressed, and at my wits end.
For myself, I am beginning to create ways to protect myself. I am looking into ways to whittle down my debt and to begin saving. I am creating my plan "B" so I have serenity and know that I will be alright.
Your husband is going to drink or not; he's going to lose his job or not; he's going to play pretend rehab or not. Dear Queenie, What are you going to do to maintain your sanity and serenity?
I have been working on a plan B since the beginning of this year, when I knew he would be drinking himself to death. I have tried to pay down my debt, I figured the longer I could put up with it, the more my mortgage would be paid off, month by month. I figured try to stick it out as long as I can. Also, though, like I said in my previous post, he has liver disease and may only have 6 mos. to a year to live, if longer, he will just "linger" as the dr. put it. I don't want to see him die alone, but I'm too young to live this life I'm living. I'm torn, and I've been working on me. Even close friends at work that know the situation ask me how can I remain so calm, what am I going to do. I am giving it up to HP/universe/God, but I don't know how I'm gonna react when it really does happen (the job loss, I mean). I don't know if I can, in good concience, be the sole support of an A without any bitterness and resentment.
Well no one here is going to "tell you" what to do. The issue is that sometimes we have to work on a plan be just for today.
There is no knowing how long it take some A's to do anything. I know plenty of people who exist on diets and with health conditions that could have killed them long ago.
I did the "stick it out for as long as I can' rationale. I wish I hadn't. I had to get down to obstacles. I had huge huge huge obstacles in my way. I managed to break through a lot of them. Then I kept working on them.
I think working this program one day at a time helps.
All of us here know what it is like to live with overwhelming stress and incredible double binds. We all do it one day at a time.
Well queenie one thing that we know is that it will happen again and we will probably lose it. Like I did this weekend. I fell for his every move - " it is you, not me, your crazy, needy". I was reading a book that said have a way to protect yourself ie work on your boundaries. Sometimes you need to ask for a break when things get heated. We need to do whatever it takes to take care of ourselves.
See, I can't take a break, he sits in the living room in his recliner, and just keeps badgering me and badgering me in order to start a fight. then I move to another room, he follows me. I ask him to please go upstairs, he refuses, it's his house too. If someone calls me, he listens to my phone conversations, hears them wrong, starts arguments and twists everything around. I ask him to please leave me alone, he doesn't. It used to be that I had a boundary that when he was drunk he was to stay/sleep upstairs. He always followed that. He has become more beligerant by the day and absolutely refuses to do it, and will sleep in bed with me whether I like it or not. How does one handle that, short of moving out?
Dear Queenie, When I first came to al-anon, my marriage to AH was falling apart. I slowly began to recognize my powerlessness. I began to see that I had been fighting with my HP for 26 yrs. over this painful marriage. I wanted it to be saved. I wanted it to get better. That is what I prayed for.
During this time, I got a sponsor and she taught me not to pray for outcomes. She said I needed to leave the outcome to God, who knows what is best for me. She encouraged me to PRACTICE trusting God, just to practice it. She gave me a God Box and told me to put my marriage and my AH in it.... And to leave them there, in God's hands... (Let Go and Let God.)
At the same time, I was often asked, "What does taking care of yourself LOOK LIKE? Whatever that looks like....do that." Well, sometimes I don't know. That's when I try to get to more meetings... The answers are inside of us and I tend to get more clarity when I stick with the fellowship.
Hope this helps. Love, gladlee
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
queenie, when he follows you around (mine did this too), you leave the house. Go away to a friends. Do not yell or anything, just calmly leave and quietly state that you need some space- go and take your space. J.
. What do I want, need, feel, think....when I bring it back around to me, everything gets so much clearer. The fog lifts and I am able to decide. Until I can get to that place, I do nothing. When the pain of change becomes less than the pain of staying the same, I change.