The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I find Father's Day a thoughtful time for me because I am 'not' in contact with my father. I send photos of my son two times a year at Christmas and at his birthday. Since he is just two this year this is a fairly new idea I have had. I got the idea from someone in AA to send photos.
Both my parents drank a lot of alcohol and divorced when I was around 14. My mom got sober shortly before their divorce but has never worked and is on SSI. My father always worked and drank and is now retired and although he has been to treatment two times and knows about AA he still drinks. He has sporadic contact with me and my sisters since their divorce and was pretty much emotionally vacant while he was around. After a lapse of many years he is in contact with one of my sisters but she has a lot of conflict with his third wife. Personally I don't care that he drinks just that he does not have any contact. I lived with him in childhood so I know he is capable of it if he wanted to.
Today we had a great day. Me and my husband went to our church father's day picnic with our two year old son Fred. The people seem really open there and one man told me his father abandoned him as a child but he went and found his relatives after he died and has since come to peace with it. I find this remarkable that he is so open and coping so well with it.
So although having a good family life now softens my lonliness and in general I feel very optimistic about the future and am not suicidal over it or anything. I am still just starting to face the truth of this abandonment and have not blamed myself so much. I have a tendency to blame myself.
Also I am less ashamed of the fact that he has not contacted me in so many years although I have sent kind cards. My other sister who he has had little contact with also said she just got sick of dancing around like a fool to get the scantest shard of attention. I saw a therapist for three years and she said that shame was a temporary coping mechanism in order to stop other truer feelings. I think to myself oh, oh now that I am past the shame I have to deal with all the other feelings. yikes.
Fortunately I racewalk and attend Alanon. As soon as I get a better job I would like to start therapy again.
So for anyone out there who does not find father's day the best of days for whatever reason. We can face the truth and lead good lives but its not always enjoyable to admit I was abandoned.
Love junehouse
__________________
One must always do what one thinks can not be done.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
My Dad is not an A, but is still not much involved with my life. I used to write letters to him several times a year when I was in my 20's, but never once got a reply. When things got bad with my AH, I just didn't have the energy to hold up the one sided correspondence so it was back to just Christmas and birthdays. It hurts, but I haven't given up all hope.
I am just thankful for this program that has taught me that other peoples behavior doesn't reflect on my worth. I value myself regardless of what other people do or don't do. I can accept that my Dad has his way of interacting with others that isn't perfect. He does not know how to reach out.
I have some contact with him now, through email mostly. He is the one who brought me this computer and helped me get on the internet. We talk occassionally now, usually about computers. I don't wait for him to ask about my family. I just tell him. He does listen.
I choose to assume that he cares, but just does not know how to reach out to me. We really have very little in common and that is hard for him. His ego gets in the way.
I just remind myself that we all have our problems and I am not walking in his shoes.
With my AH I finally realised that it was my expectations that were hurting me most. I expected him to be there for me when he wasn't able. He is an A. A's can't do most of the things we would expect from a healthy person. At least not in active addiction or early sobriety. I had to learn to look elsewhere for the support I needed, and I had to learn to take good care of me. Then I could learn compassion for the struggle that they go through just to survive.
Just my experience. We say in the program to take what you like and leave the rest.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Your description of your experience with your father and your life in recovery made me feel really good and understood because I related to what you said. After I read it this morning I felt better. I guess this Alanon stuff works.
Best Regards, junehouse
__________________
One must always do what one thinks can not be done.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
