The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
hi this is my first time posting here. im so tired, so drained, so disgusted i could spit. I married my husband almost 19 years ago im in my mid 40,s. he hid his drinking quite well. As i have never drank I really didnt notice any of the red flags. I have 4 beautiful children who have not really had a Dad emotionally all thier life. Ive always been nice and kind to him when he was sober now after all these years I find it easier to just be indifferent and apathetic beacause the up and downs of being nice, patient and then soooo angry are just too emotionally draining. I take an antidepressant to deal with the frustration. I dont sleep with him anymore beacause there has been too much damage done by the drinking and sometimes the site of him makes me nautious. He,s the best when sober but a very diff person when drunk. he,s mean, very very mean . I dont know why I stay. I dont want to be from a broken family, or maybe its the fear of change or the unknown. Im soooooooo sick of this. I know its a disease, I know its hard for him, but why cant I break away? I feel sorry for him, feel sorrier for me. please give me some coping skills for me and my children. thanks sooo much for listening.
I couldn't have put it better than you just put it when I got into the Al-Anon Family Groups. I Thought and felt exactly as you do and was just as confused lonely, angry and indifferent. I had the very same fears about what to do next and the very same reaching out for help that saved my life.
You have come to the right place. We give each other and newcomers suggestions, not advise. Our suggestions are based upon what worked for us when we were trying to break the hold that the disease of alcoholism had on our minds, bodies, spirits and emotions. You are free to take suggestions or not. The consequences are different if you choose to follow anothers suggestions or keep doing what you are currently doing that doesn't work.
I've been around the program for half a life time. I am grateful that I got that other half as I was about ready to close my life out just before getting here. My first suggestion is go to the white pages of you local telephone book and see if you can find the number for the Al-Anon family groups in your area. When you get that number call it for someone to talk to and for the schedule of face to face meetings in your area; the where and when. First chance you get, get to a meeting and plan on getting to as many as you can over the next 90 days. Get as much literature as you can about the disease of alcoholism lots of it is without cost. Learn about the 12 steps we work on a daily basis and about the 12 traditions that keep this world-wide fellowship together without a leader. Do ask about the subject of a Higher Power or HP or God as you understand God (Most important) and listen, listen, listen to the sharing that comes from more experienced members; what brought them to the program, what they use to do, what they learned and what they do today and how their lives are so changed. Talk to the group when you have concern to share and look around for older members willing to help you get better. Practice, practice, practice it all. It will save your life...all of it. The disease of alcoholism never gets "better" it only gets worse as it is a progressive disease that can never be cured only arrested by total abstinence. We the family and friends of alcoholic get as sick or worse than the alcoholic because we don't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality. We go thru the whole crises wide awake.
The suggestion I gave you was given to me nearly 30 years ago. It worked for me and has worked for others I have passed it on to during this period of time. It only works if you work it.
I pray you find help and home you keep coming back here as this online group is steadily helping many to find a life worth living in spite of the disease of alcoholism.
SOSAD, I see you have been a member since Nov. 2007. I hope you have been reading other post during that time, if you haven't go back and read some of them, and you will find many others who felt just like yourself. Read the responses and suggestions from many wise members with years of experience in Al-Anon. I live with an active A, I understand what you are going through. I go through it most every day. I to look forward for the good days as we call them. I absolutely hate the disease, and love the Alcoholic. In Al-Anon I accepted I have no control over either. The key word there is accepted. I had to control me ,and take care of me. It is so hard to think straight, keep your thoughts together, because you are spending all your time thinking about the A. You are there, I was there. The difference, Al-Alon changed my life, from day one all for the better. It is my opinion that there is no better program for people who live with the disease of Alcoholicism. It is free, and just like this site you will find people who are friendly and truly care about you, who will be there with you and for you 24/7. On a daily basic a continue to be amazed at the members on this site, and the friends I have in Al-Anon that have stopped what they were doing to help me through tough times. If you believe what I have said, then please get into Al-Anon face 2 face meetings. Go everytime you get a chance, get the free litature at the meetings. Listen to what other people say, and how they have dealt with their problems. I hope when you walk out of your first meeting you say what a lady told me last night as she was leaving her first meeting, she said " Coming here tonight is the best thing I have ever done, I just wish I had found Al-Anon 10 years ago". She was crying as she talked. Just like that lady you have found the members of this site, now go find Al-Anon. Good luck and keeping coming back. RLC (P.S.) As Jerryf said he has been in Al-Anon half his life, he offered You some great wisdom for you to consider. If they had "BLACK BELTS" in Al-Anon JerryF would have one!!!!!
Jerry thank you so much for your concern and your words of wisdom. I will continue coming here for support and guidence. you are all such wonderfull people. the most comforting thought is that im not alone in this and others have and are going through the same thing. Its so true that we go through this without anything to numb us, thats the part that really pisses me off, he will even forget what he puts us through. i thought he was lying at first then i learned about blackouts. WOW if that doesnt add insult to injury. I will work on going to the face to face meetings. the first step is the hardest i guess. thank you my new friend
RLC thank you for your response and genuine concern. actually i had forgotten that i had even visited the site till i got an email to remind me. i remember reading many posts and im glad i signed in. You said in your post you still love the A. is that possible? i mean i totally believe you but im not sure that i do anymore. what i felt has been stepped on ,crushed, disrespected, let down,put down ,shut down and destroyed over and over again. I have learned i can only controll me , i just always mourn what could have been. what I have lost all these years. I know you understand, only someone that has experienced this can. And most of all i miss the love i had for him. thanks so much i will visit often. you are amazing people. bye for now my friend
SOSAD, Yes I do love my AW. But, I hate and despise the disease of Alcoholicism. I'm confident my AW feels the same way. It is a terrible disease that can destroy everything, and everybody it touches. I have had many of the emotions you described. Only people who have lived them can understand them, as most members of MIP have been there, and many are still there. Everyones situation is diferent, simular, but different. Many for us have had to make choices as how we would deal with the things you described, and some you did'nt. Choices,Choices,Choices,life is full of them. Let me suggest a choice for you to consider. Why don't you think about taking 3 months or 6 months of working the program and you may feel completely different, or the very same, what have you got to lose. You have 19 years, 4 children and a husband who you said is the "best" when sober. When you start using the Al-Anon tools everyday you will change and your life will change. Your children will notice, but most of all your A will notice because you will "unlearn" many the things you thought were right way to handle situations. The changes he will see in you many times will cause the A to take a second look at himself, and seek help. I hope something I said will be of help to you. As we say in Al-Anon "Take What You Like And Leave The Rest". Hugs to you and the children. RLC
Welcome back home. Thank goodness for John's little reminders. Kind of like a kick in the butt from your HP! Lots of good replies here as always. Remember you can always restart your recovery any time you want too. It's about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve! Please keep coming back to us. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
(((Sosad))) Two years ago, before I starting going to Alanon f2f meetings several times a week, I felt as you did. Going to meetings was one of the best things I have ever done for myself. I have learned to forgive him and realize that I actually do love him, just not the disease. Sometimes it's hard, very, very hard, and I lose it, and that's why I'm here, to learn the tools to have compassion and understanding (and patience). Thanks for keeping me in your prayers, you will be in mine too. Just think, in 2 years from now, we'll see how much stronger and wiser (and serene) we have grown and look back and say "Wow"
{{welcome!}} i'm able to show my love to my A only because i've learned to separate the man from his behavior. i *hate* his behavior sometimes! i have to keep reminding myself he is not his behavior. sort of like when a child is misbehaving, to let them know you love them but don't like their behavior at the time. i know his disease is a permanent part of him. when i pray or meditate, i've had insights such as "he's suffering as much or more than you are right now," "take care of yourself and your child and just ignore him and let him do his own thing, as long as he doesn't turn it into outright abuse" (which is a really hard one to learn!), or "if he had diabetes, cancer, lupus or any other disease how would i react to his behavior?" which helps me through the rough times. i wish you peace, and please keep coming back :)
__________________
To know the darkness is to love the light, to welcome dawn and fear the coming night.
hi queenie thanks for your post. everything i read here makes o much sense. i hope to gain much inspiration from all you awsome people. thanks and much love
hi karilyn yes john is awsome. im glad im here and gaining some strength. i will be back often. thanks for your post . im glad im not alone. hugs.........
hi rlc thank you for your wonderful post. im not as concerned about myself as for my kids. this cannot be healthy for them. and it breaks my heart. i will continue to gain strength and inspiration and some sort of direction from all of you great heartwarming friends. hugs.......
Thank goodness for John's little reminders. Kind of like a kick in the butt from your HP! Lots of good replies here as always. Remember you can always restart your recovery any time you want too. It's about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve! 
Please keep coming back to us. Love and blessings to you and your family.
