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Post Info TOPIC: Insight needed


Newbie

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Insight needed


This is my first post here, but I could use some insight into my problem.  Husband is currently recovering and has 3 years of sobriety in.  Good news BUT - he has recently started going to meetings with increased frequency - not a bad thing.  However, he is taking a woman who is also in the program with him every time he goes.  I'm getting tired of his whole life revolving around her daily phone calls and trips to meetings with her.

Jealousy? - ya probably.  When he was drinking, he became "involved" with another A almost the exact same way.  I was very dumb that time and just accepted his lies till the eveidence became overwhelming.  That is definitely a thing of the past, but I NOT going to stick around for an encore performance.  Of course, he tells me there's nothing going on and she just needs a ride to the meetings, but the whole situation is making me very uncomfortable and has caused some heated discussions between us.  He will no longer discuss it at all - says I cannot tell him who to be friends with.  I agree, but he has been with her - admittedly at meetings, but enjoying the 45 minute rides each way - every night for 10 days and I'm about at my wit's end.

Can somebody give me some insight about this situation?  I know he needs to go to meetings and I'm not trying to stop that.  I just wish he would go with someone other than another woman.  Past history seems to be repeating itself.  I've been VERY tempted to call and tell her to stay away from my husband, but I know that's not the right thing to do.

HELP!

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1516
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I am suprised his sponsor is supporting that kind of behavior. Because it is very frowned upon by the program to have intimate friendships with the oppisite sex. It is discouraged. And that it is causing a problem with his marriage, well, that would be a HUGE RED FLAG that something in his program is really off.

Having a friendship with someone of the oppisite sex is not a bad thing but putting it before your marriage is a really bad thing. There is a difference between trying to control and being hurt by another's action. Sounds like what your husband is doing is hurting you and so, you told him.

The best predictor of future behavior is the past. My ex was sober, in the program about 2 years before he cheated. My ex is/was also a sex addict and simply substitued sex for the drugs. He wanted to stay sober, he knew that drugs were killing him, so, sex seemed like the perfect exchange. He got a rush from it. He also got a couple of STD's but that's a whole nother topic.


I guess, you have told him how you feel and now the ball is in his court. What do you want to do? You can make a plan for yourself. Start thinking about what you are willing to live with and without.

Have you gone to any face to face meetings?

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1917
Date:

boy PH, that is tough. But if I were you, I would pass it off to HP and LET IT GO and put all my focus back on me. You cannot control him. You can only control yourself. I would focus on finding really pleasurable things that I like to do those nights so that I get my mind off of him and onto me. Go out with some girlfriends to a movie (do not talk about him!) and dinner those nights. Make it a girls night.

He has his own HP and his own path. You are not his keeper. If you feel hurt please examine yourself more closely with your own sponsor and/or al anon friends. Get to more meetings yourself. Read more literature. Put the focus back on what you are doing, not what he is doing. Hugs and love in serenity, J.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3131
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if he goes to open meetings you are welcome to go also.I wonder if she would need a ride  knowing you were also going?

It is my own belief, I would want to reflect a strong moral marriage.I don't care if my ah was going to church every day,no way would I put up with this.

I would never call her. I would set a boundary with him. Cheating is NOT a symptom of being an addict. They cheat becuz they are cheaters.

To me when a husband is out with another woman, he is cheating.

I wonder if they sit together?

The signs are right there.Especially that he has done this before.See how baffling this disease is? He is doing the same thing again and we don't even see it.

al anon meetings are so important. I guess I would ask myself, do I want to be in a marriage with a man who blatantly disrespects me by hanging out with another woman? love,debilyn who welcomes you here

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"If wishes were wings,piggys would fly."
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Senior Member

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Posts: 110
Date:

In the old days it was normal for recovering families to get together. In fact early sponsorship in AA included doing the family work with the wife and children. If this woman is desperately ill enough to need to ride with another womans husband you could probably tell easy enough. What your husband is doing is way out of the norm but when it comes to life and death there are no rules. Instead of telling her to get away, you could invite her over. Secret affairs fester best in the dark. You could assess her illness, she may well need a meeting everyday. Daily meetings are a pretty normal thing in the beginning as you may know. Your husband could be hindering her recovery though by not encouraging her to reach out to other women. You might ask your husband to call his sponsor and you might ask to speak to him also. Do not retreat into darkness but rather spread some light, all kinds of things need darkness to grow. Deceit is one of them.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 13696
Date:

Aloha Paint!!

If you have access to his sponsor, if he has one, call his sponsor and ask for
some feedback.  Confrontation is risky and often times with an alcoholic spouse
who has a history of the behavior and who lacks compassion, consideration,
respect and honest neatly wrapped up with arrogance it will come up for you
a big painful zero.   That was my history with my alcoholic spouse.  When she
"went out" on me it was in spite of me.  Some people are waiting for world war
III...I've already fought it and lost.  It was with this disease and I've never found a winner who stayed on the battle field.  Call his sponsor and get some
verbal feedback on the situation. This one isn't about drinking.  It's about an
addiction of another kind and as a recoverying person from AA I will tell you
that if it is as you say it is...he might not be drinking and he is relapsing.

Don't allow fear to cage you.

(((((hugs))))) smile

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Veteran Member

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Posts: 31
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One of the problems that comes with addiction is that perfectly sane people begin to question their own thinking. My deal is this: trust your intuition. If you feel something is not right, it problably isn't. How many times have we looked back at a situation only to find that we were ignoring or discounting the clues that were there all along. And if you are wrong, so what. Is some woman's transportation more important that your happiness? If your spouse has betrayed you once before, he is under the obligation to do WHATEVER is necessary to regain your trust for as long as it takes (leaving out the possibility that you are deliberately punishing him, which it sounds like you aren't.) If he wants to be helpful to this woman he can proactively find her some other people to help with her rides and solve her problem and keep you happy at home. If he isn't willing to do that, you have to consider what is clearly his priority. Hope things work out in the way you want them to! Good luck!

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Newbie

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Posts: 4
Date:

hello! this is a very sore thing for you to deal with. This is to do with the alcoholics it's not a reflection on you. You do not have to accept unacceptable behaviour,  you have choices. If you obsess over this, you will make yourself ill. Stick with your al anon friends, stick with the winners. Talk with them, reason it out, get their love and support. Don't make yourself crazy by projecting, just live in to-day.Maybe your HP is sending you a message.  Easy Does It.
lv m

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m.baillie
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