The material presented
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Hi, My name is Bobbi. I am married to an alcoholic, and also the adult child of an alcoholic (my Dad who died when I was 19). I have been married for 2 years to my AH, but we lived together for 2 before that. He is verbally abusive when he drinks, and I reached my breaking point with all of it. I told him about 3 weeks ago he had until July first to pack up and move out. I was done. I'm getting therapy weekly for myself. He agreed to enter into therapy. He has had 2 sessions. He is making a grand deal out of having to taper down slowly off of alcohol, "per his therapist". I'm trying not to be overly inquisitive, as it is his battle not mine, but I get the idea that he has picked out this Thursday as a quit day. He's seeing both his MD and his therapist the same day. He claims that while his MD will want to admit him for at least a 2 day detox, he doesn't think he needs it, and his therapist agrees he's strong. But does she know he's still hiding his booze? He claims to be cutting back. He makes a big show of buying NA beer. He has never been a day without a drink since I met him, and obviously this has not changed yet. Last week he bought a bottle of cheap wine. A big huge jug. Drank half of that in one night. Great "taper down" there. Anyway, yesterday I decided to pour myself a glass of wine from what was left of his cheap jug. I diluted it with seltzer. I took a sip and almost spit it back out. The "wine" was like liquid lightening. He had spiked the wine. He is still lying to me, to himself and more than likely to his therapist. I'm glad I have therapy tomorrow. I know all about denial, I get it rationally, but the level of self delusion that an alcoholic possesses never fails to astonish me. He stood there and with feigned incredulity grabbed the bottle from the fridge and sniffed it. Took a sip. Said "It tastes like wine to me". Deny, deny deny. I asked how stupid he actually believed I was. He got angry and said "Fine" and dumped it down the drain. He refused to talk about it. He went upstairs, came down for dinner, then went right back upstairs. I hope to find some support here. These are crazy days. I know all I can do is work on me. I can't fix him. I also know that the last four years have exhausted my very finite capacity for support and forgiveness and I don't know how much longer I am willing to do this.
Hi Bobbi, and welcome to MIP.... sounds to me like you are seeing things for what they are, and his denial/lying/half truths are all a part of HIS process of (hopefully) recovery, or his inability to quite yet accept his need to...... It does sound like there are thoughts and many seeds planted within him, and we can only hope that he is going to choose a positive path forward....
As for you..... good for you in getting here, and please keep working on you and YOUR recovery, regardless of what he does or doesn't do.... You're worth it.
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hello Bobbi, and welcome to MIP. You are in the right place. I live with an active A and relate to all the things you are going through except the verbal abuse. It is not easy, but it also sounds like you are on the right track because you realize you can't fix him. He is the only one who can do that. You are like so many of us who were sick and tired of being sick and tired of the day to day struggles. We did not know where to turn. Thank goodness most of us turned to Al-Anon. It has changed our lives. I would strongly suggest the same for you. Face to face Al-Anon meetings in your area. Call and find the times they meet in your area, and go as soon as you can. Al-Anon will show you how to take care of you, whether your A is still drinking or not. You will find people there who are friendly, and will welcome you with open arms, because they have been in your shoes, and many who are still walking in your shoes. You are not alone. In Al-Anon, and here you will find the help you need. Keep posting here, get to as many f2f meetings as possible, and read earlier post and their replies. You can't change your A, but you can change YOU. Good Luck, RLC
I think the important thing is to do nothing about his behavior and not look at what he is doing. I know that is easier said than done. I lost myself entirely in an active alcoholic. They are good at pulling you in. You have to stand firm and that is not easy until you have a lot of al anon under your belt. In the beginning standing firm can seem healthy at confronting till you are blue in the face, actually it isn't. We do better when we know better. Immerse yourself totally in this program then you will stop going crazy and be able to look at your options.
I'm 3/4 years in still don't like my options but I am sane. I wasn't before. I was so very obsessed with him and what he was doing.
The disease is described as being cunning, powerful and baffling. Our second step says, "Came to believe that a Power Greater than ourselves could lead us to SANITY." How my alcoholic drank and what she did to get it was crazy and I got just as insane as she was trying to change it, stop it, or lead her thru it.
Thank God for the the Worldwide Fellowship of the Al-Anon Family Groups. It truely saved my life. That suggestion to attend face to face meetings is a ditto from me. There is tons of literature there and lots of it for free. There are years of experience waiting for you to tap into and a large "family" group to hang out with and get your own recovery going. This program can save your sanity and life too and there's a chair waiting just for you.
Glad you found this sight. There is so much love and caring here which is just one thing that doesn't happen when you're smack in the middle of the disease of alcoholism.
Focus, focus, focus then practice, practice, practice.
Last night I worked on just detaching myself from him drinking. I set up the laptop in the bedroom and stayed up there until dinner. I didn't shake the beer box. I didn't hold up the wine bottle to check the level. We had a good, peaceful family dinner.
I felt something good in that detachment. I want that all the time.
Bobbi, Very good, great start. I was amazed at the extra time I had for myself when I stoped counting cans, checking gargage bags, and all the other crazy things we do. HA. Oh, the time I wasted. I can look back and laugh now, but at the time I felt it was the thing I had to do. That is the reason we were crazy. With good reason I might add. Concerning detachment, there are many ways to detach, many forms of detachment. Some of the best examples off detachment are found in the Al-Anon books. (examples) "Detachment is a loving gift I continue to give to myself, and my Alocholic". "Detachment is not caring less, it's caring more for our own serinity". And my favorite: "Sometimes it is more loving to allow someone to experience the natural consequences of their actions, even when it is painful for us both. In the long run, both of us will benefit. Today I will put love first in my life. All I have to do is keep my hands off and turn my heart on". I am very proud of you, that was a big step toward recovery you took last night. Al-Anon can't change the past, but it can make your future much brighter. RLC
