The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm at a place not where I am more interested in what I did in the relationship(s) that what the A did. I'm saying that not to minimize what he did (obviously it was incredibly self destructive) but to look at what did I do.
Overtime and reading I'm really seeing that when I was in rescue mode, in victim mode in denial mode I was not able to acknowledge my reality. I have a really really hard time with reality, always have. I am always looking for a way out. For me Karpman's has been a way of life, a way to either be victim, rescuer, or feel enraged. I am very rarely not in Karpman's. I feel victimized often, feel exploited, feel lost in it and then lash out in different ways. I have little if any experience at negotiating out of things or setting a plan and following it. The funny thing is when I do make plans (rather than act impulsively) I do okay most of the time.
I'm not taking the entire blame for what happened with the A obviously he has his percent. Nevertheless I do have my part. My own behavior fuelled my not being able to leave, it was not all the economy, my health, the pets (they were a huge part of it).
I'm going to a therapist again this next week (another short term event). I'm also working on seeing a social worker so that I can at least explore what some of my options are with my health issues (they are better but they are chronic and I need to attend to them). I'm looking at reaching out to others rather than staying trapped being resentful to my roomates. This is a lot of action for me and I have to be patient. Going to therapy alone is huge for me because I really did not the space to do it before.
I'm moving towards a fourth step which is good because I have been on 1,2,3 for years now and my life is still unmanageable, not in chaos/crisis 24/7 but still pretty much unmanageable. I've done fourth steps before but not like this one. I've lost count of the number I've done and I got some relief with them but I think this one is pivotal because I am getting down to my core codependence issues.
This week I also realized as time went on as I set limits with the A I also punished myself, I stopped going out (I stopped going out with him because he drank). I stopped giving to myself because I did not know how to deal with him and his craziness I was also on hyper vigilance 24/7. When I left him that did not change because I was not yet detached, now I am, I can "give" to myself socially again in ways that fuel and balance my life. So my life has been entirely out of balance for 8 plus years and that is a lot to catch up on.
Your post made me think of all my weird and self sacrificing relationships as friends and romantically, also with my sisters and other relatives etc.
my romantic relationships remind me of that Pat Benetar song "Fire and Ice" when she sings, walking the wire inbetween pain and desire and looking for love inbetween...FIRE AND iCE"
anyhoo history of my lame-love-life
first crush was on one of those bright eyed popular kids in second grade
also a soul connection with a boy named Peter a real feeling at a young age
first professed boyfriend in 5th grade and he hugged me and wrote me a love letter where he wrote to a real nice gril instead of girl.
always felt very inadequate and that I was more ugly than other people
low social skills in highschool really did not get it at all attention seeking behavior but little social interaction
most of my friends were the oddballs with obvious troubles like me
my first kiss was with a gay guy
my first real love was with another gay guy i guess that made me an official fag hag just scared of men i think, did not sleep with either person
sex at 21 with an outcast and it was thrilling to treat him poorly but not a real relationship we slept together and watched a few movies
slept with two other people two times each no relationship
at 23, after dating three months got married to this guy i met at a baseball game who had a serious anxiety disorder but he was a nice hippie and very parental with me.
we stayed married ten years and i started therapy and got divorced
so at 32 i started dating for the first time
first guy was five foot six and i am five foot ten but he was cool but really moody and last two months but it was basically my first real boyfriend
lived independantly determined to learn to date casually and with the help of a therapist and alanon and racewalking felt good about myself and was my thinnest and happiest for many years single and going to grad school.
dated two very self absorbed guys but it was like the highschool dating i had missed
dated a nice guy so knew i was getting better but it did not work out
finally met my husband and he is a nice guy and we got married when i was 40 and he was 46. we are happy.
thank god for therapy and alanon and i made a lot of nice longterm friends in alanon in my usa city but where i live now in france its not very common and only mostly in paris and i live an hour from paris.
anyway i eventually learned how to date and am very grateful i learned how to have some of the basic dating behaviors that girls at 15 start learning and have gotten the hang of by their early twenties. i was delayed because of poor social skills and other factors but i learned new behaviors.
what it came down to for me was that i would date someone two weeks instead of a year before I would see that they were not serious. a lot of it has to do with being ready for a serious relationship and that was what i was looking for and not every is ready for that.
christine
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One must always do what one thinks can not be done.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
I'm also doing my forth step and trying to work my way through my codependency, it's tough going at times.
Finding my relationship with my mum hardest. I'm afraid to jump out of the triangle because I know she'll crucify me if I let her and I don't know that I'm strong enough yet not to let her. Don't think I'm strong enough to stay in the triangle much longer either!
Am moving and growing though, and that's good.
thanks for your topic, I find it very relevant, I'm reading melody beaty by the way and it's very good.
Maresie, your post reminded me of the day I realized that when I am in those modes: denial, minimizing, rescuing, victim mode, etc. I have left myself behind- no wonder I feel so alone!! These are the self-sabotaging devices I use to abandon myself- no wonder why I have abandonment issues! I keep doing it to myself over and over again!!! It was a red letter day when I finally figured that one out and stopped doing it! thanks for the reminder, its always a good one. Hugs, J.
Itsn't it funny how we stop living, we just board ourselves up in our own misery. I think we do this because it is easier. I call this the pitty pot. I lived there for a very long time.
Dear friend, live you life to the fullest it is the only one you have, we are not promised tomorrow. You will find that life is a beautiful wonderful place to be.
