The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I got a call from my son's school this morning. The school psychologist called him in to "talk" and see if she can figure out what some of his issues are and how we can help him.
Well, needless to say, he wasn't there. He is skipping school today!!! And on top of that he told me this morning that he needed $3 for lunch b/c they were allowed to use their account any more due to the end of the year. I stupidly handed it over, going against my gut on it.
It is so frustrating. I get no support from his dad, not help what so ever on this. I am stuck to weather this storm all by myself and I feel like a failure on so many fronts. I keep telling myself that he is just modeling his dad's behavior but that doesn't make me feel any better. It doesn't matter who is to blame b/c it doesn't change the situation or make it any better. And in fact, it ends up making me feel more at fault b/c I stayed w/his dad so long, allowing these my kids to see these behaviors and see that I accepted them as the normal thing to do.
I have felt what you describe.... and its painful to think of our roles in our kids lives when they are acting out.
I have decided that I did the best I could ... right or wrong... and even though my kids may react or adapt some behavior, they have choices and a HP too. My decissions good and bad are just part of thier life, and everyone has to choose how to deal with the reality of life.
I have been reading your posts for a long time now. You are a good person, in a difficult situation and doing the best you can for everyone... you don't have to fault yourself for his behavior. Its his choice to behave that way.
As an adult child, I know that even if he doesn't act like it, he will remember the possitive changes in your life... the times you took control and responsability... your strength. He is learning all kinds of wonderful things from you, even if he is not showing you that right now.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I can so understand how you feel....it is a horrible thing to watch our children fail. Today I found out my son failed school....I have to send him to summer school and it is gonna cost me 350.00. I realize my son has been thru much this year he lost his dad, then his best friend and I was not there as I should of been...
However, I have done my best, we all make mistakes along the way that is life... There must come a time when our children have to take responsibility for themselves.....they have an option in life, t he right road or the left road....we can only raise them to the best of our ability and pray they take the right road....
Love ya, try not to beat yourself up anymore....know you have done and are doing your very best.......
QOD, I too know what you are going through. I have an 18 year old in the same predicament. I finally got the courage up to leave his Dad and he pretty much lost his mind, with acting out. He seemed to think that he was now in charge and I had to stand my ground firmly and let him know that this was my house and my rules. If he couldn't handle it then he needed to move out. He was still in school at that time and working a job. But I had to do it. It hurt me so much. We still have our struggles. Pretty much everyday. But I had to stand up for myself and my rules. I still struggle with being consistent because I feel like I should be rewarding him for good behavior but our in the real world who gets a reward every time they do the right thing? Not me that's for sure. I had to kick him out when I caught him smoking pot in my house. That was it the last straw. I had to let him know that I meant business. I did not want to do it and I had to push back the tears and remind myself, this is for his own good. Well later that day he came back to the house and wanted to talk. We made up a contract that we both signed. I made it clear that he was not to smoke or drink at all. If he came home and I thought he had been drinking or smoking he was out! Plus a few other rules for my house. He cried and apologized and told me that I never turned my back on him. I told him I never would but his behavior was too far out of control and I couldn't allow it. I know there is an age difference here between my son and yours. But those packed clothes seemed to help my son understand, Mom is not taking my crap anymore. I don't know if that would work for you or not. I didn't know if it would work for me. I was jumping off the deep end so to speak and putting it into my HP's hands. I hope that this will help in some way, even if it is just to let you know that you are not alone. I have also posted on here about my trials and tribulations with my son if you want to read those.
Don't beat yourself up about not being a good parent. I raised both my sons alone since they were both under 3 yo. Their dad was a pot smoker, drinker, who knows what else.
I gave what I thought a good life to my kids. They really didn't have much of a relationship with my ex husband. They still seemed to choose the same lifestyle. And I'm not a drinker or into drugs. I'll never understand. I am powerless to try so I'm not wasting the energy on looking back. I just got remarried 4 y ago to a very loving man. My oldest son resents him still.
Both my sons are 18 and 21. My 21 yo just had a baby. He is a drinker. He's a nasty person who shows no remorse. It's sad. And my 18 yo is headed down a distructive road too. He is drinking and into drugs. He lost 50 lbs in less than 6 weeks. And it's not like he watches what he eats. I was suspicious. He has serious anger issues and has huge blow ups with my husband. I had to ask him to stay somewhere else until he makes some life changing decisions. I choose to no longer enable him. I took the plates off his car and shut the cell phone off. No help, no money.
So you are not alone. It's tough watching your children suffer. We always want to save them. He's draining every ounce of life out of you.
You are right in one thing. You are the mother, you did what any mother would do by giving lunch money. The blame is not yours. Don't let this disease of guilt and emotional blame confuse the situation. You have others in his corner it appears through the school. You have tools you can use. Prayer, communication with others who are trained in this field. Meetings, literature, your program. To put it bluntly, you were never in the first place powerful enough to cause it nor stop it, so stop running to take any blame for it. We have the three C's to help us remember, we didn't cause it, we can't cure it, we can not control it. Being a mother of two A's ...it was shocking to me to see them turn into people who began to lie, cheat, steel and manipulate. Not until one son found his way back to sanity did he repeat back to me the words I had said to him during his sickest moments. "Mother, when you asked me when I stopped being honest and carrying it made me think". Love the person, hate the disease. Take care of you, the disease is out of your hands.
Please put down that perfectionist stick! Oh gosh how I will do that to myself. I can go on the why didn't I leave before stick too!
How hard it is to set those boundaries. You are doing phenomenal with them. I have after a year stopped resenting the A I think its taken a lot to do that. I had to really put it out there how much he hurt me. How irresponsible he was.
Who says you have to be a super parent. You did so well the other day with the boundaries, now you have another set to deal with. I try to be creative about lots of my problems, of course I fall on my face often. There are always things I have absolutely no control over coming in that interrupt stuff. That is life, not an example of my imperfection.
The fact is your son is still alive and not in an institution that is a celebration!
The fact also is that you are doing things to take care of yourself and him that is a great great celebration too. We beat ourselves to the pulp so much. How can we shoulda coulda woulda ourselves over things we have no control over.
You are right in one thing. You are the mother, you did what any mother would do by giving lunch money. The blame is not yours. Don't let this disease of guilt and emotional blame confuse the situation. You have others in his corner it appears through the school. You have tools you can use. Prayer, communication with others who are trained in this field. Meetings, literature, your program. To put it bluntly, you were never in the first place powerful enough to cause it nor stop it, so stop running to take any blame for it. We have the three C's to help us remember, we didn't cause it, we can't cure it, we can not control it. Being a mother of two A's ...it was shocking to me to see them turn into people who began to lie, cheat, steel and manipulate. Not until one son found his way back to sanity did he repeat back to me the words I had said to him during his sickest moments. "Mother, when you asked me when I stopped being honest and careing" it made me think. Love the person, hate the disease. Take care of you, the disease is out of your hands.
