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I have never posted my own topic on here, only replied to others. I seem to gain strength from reading other peoples problems and the responses they receive. So bear with me - I NEVER ask for help. One of my "wonderful" coping skills learned very young! ahahaha
My life in a nutshell... daughter of an unadmitted alcoholic father, no abuse, just ranting and stupid stuff. Not many pleasant memories of holidays, birthdays, etc. Anyway, no surprise I married an addict/alcoholic - on and off clean/using for the past 13 years. A few years ago his mom passed away and he had been extremely close to her, very tragic. Well, he fell hard and became severly addicted to crack. I had enough and made him leave. After a few months of struggling, he ended up going to rehab. I stuck by him, angrily, and we forged ahead, for the kids sake. We have two sons, 12 & 13 1/2.
Here we are three years later, and there have been a couple of slip-ups in his recovery. Last summer, him and his brother (also an addict) were "hanging out" together while I was at work during the day getting all messed up on muscle relaxers & pain pills. I put my foot down and told my H, "your brother or me & the kids" - make your choice. Well, he chose us, got clean AGAIN and stayed away from his brother. Three months later his brother passed away, probably due to his using for such a long time.
Now, I find traces of him smoking pot. Not a lot, not often, but I know he has been. I confronted him on it, and at first he lied and said I was wrong. Eventually he admitted it and said it was no big deal, only a little, and he would stop.
At this point, I don't trust him and don't believe a word he says. He is a very caring, loving man who I truly love, as a husband and a best friend. BUT.... (here's the problem) I would have NO problem living without him AND the drama. The way I figure it, I did it many times before while he was gone using, or gone in rehab - I'm fine alone. I can handle it financially and emotionally. It's absolutely NOT what I want, but that fine line between love and hate is getting thinner and thinner!
Then I go into a panic because if he IS telling the truth and not smoking, am I just being paranoid?!? I turn to this site to remind myself to focus on me, take it one day at a time, and give it up to my higher power. I just wish I could stop feeling so capable of throwing in the towel. Sometimes I consider that I have made a conscious choice to stand by him so many times before, and I know that he is an addict, so to just deal with it and stick it out. I read so many posts on here about teen-agers rebelling because their parents split due to addiction. Somewhere I figure if we stay together, there's a better chance my kids will end up OK, nothing to rebel against. My H NEVER uses around the kids AT ALL. When he was addicted to the crack, he would just be gone. My sons and I are very close, and they know daddy has a problem that he has gotten help with.
My question to anyone reading this and understanding where I'm coming from is this.... how do I stop having feelings of hatred for him? I refuse to be dragged through the mud with him again, and he knows it. But, I feel such rage from just imagining him using while I'm not around, and then "getting away" with it again. Basically, I feel I'm being made a fool of. If he's NOT using, and I AM just paranoid, look at all the time I'm wasting worrying about it. I am literally driving myself insane..........
Hi Stariana- sounds very very familiar. Why does he have to use at all? isn't it frustrating?!? I refer to my pot/alcohol addict husband as a "scientist". He keeps doing these experiments to see if he can use under "certain conditions". Time after time, the experiments fail. Guess what? I am sick of living in the laboratory too. My A is a great guy sober and a waste of a life using. I feel your pain (my kids are 11 and 15)-- same life different house. Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
The rage is a hard one. Last year I got re-involved with the A. I never really got uninvolved if I am honest. He started acting out again immediately. My rage was mutiplied even more because of my rescue tendencies.
I can go into rescue with an A so many times. All those ultimatums and stuff can take a toll on you.
Detaching is so so key for me. I have to learn lot of different ways of doing it. The more I do it the better I take action to self preserve.
I can definitely understand all the reasons to stay. I can also understand the reasons to go. I don't actually think living apart from the A while they are using or in rehab or whatever is the same as being on your own but its probalby practice. For me the being on my own was painful, I got a hard look at myself and ew I did not like it much at all. All that awful behavior to look at?
Why not make a plan b its good activity you don't need to act on it. Making one gives you an option takes the sting out of the rage.
For me its so so key to keep looking at the Karpman's triangle. I can go there in a minute, rescue, enable, be angry, be mean, rescue, enable, be angry, rage back to the same. The more I stay out of Karpmans the better but i gravitate there a lot!
Great and honest share. I feel humbled again by reading my story from member. My alcoholic wife was a binger....Binge get hurt and sick...recouperate go out and binge and get hurt and sick over and over. Roller coaster ride with me putting all of my hope and focus for happiness based upon whether she was drinking using or not. I was addicted to her totally, with all the classic symptoms. I found out later in Al-Anon that it wasn't really her that I hated and was angry at...it was at what she was doing and the repeated relapses. It was like rooting for a winner that lost all the time and my hope went out the door and I was angry. I wanted a winner and didn't get it. Selfish? Kinda. We all like to see good things happen to good people and alcoholics/addicts are good people (you said such of your husband) who do crazy life threatening things that kill themselves, their families and others including hope and happi- ness.
You still go thru the fear of being wrong at times...big deal since there are no perfect people in our program and this isn't a perfect program just one of progressive recovery being wrong is a natural and not a big thing for me to cop out to when it happens. My being wrong compared to the disease is just a hiccup compared to a sneeze. It isn't about that though. For me it's about being happy and serene and staying there as often as I can. That's my job and no one else is responsible for it. Now that there is not practicing alcoholic or addict in my home I find those (some times often) moments when what has gone crazy is a result of something I either did or didn't do that could have happened differently or with a changed attitude. "My problem is me." I have control and responsibility for me. I am answerable for me and not for my alcoholic or anyone else. Once in recovery my sponsor told me that I talked about my alcoholic as if she was a person I owned or had possession of like a bad pet. After taking a look at that statement and looking at how I talked about her my sponsor was right and I gave ownership back to my spouse. Then I was free of owning her consequences from her drinking and drugging. "Free at last, free at last...." I still have me and at times I still have trouble along with the anger, rage and the hating "how things just don't comeout my way all the time."
With this program...working it daily as best you can as suggested life gets a whole lot better...miraculously better! Whether you stay with the addict or not is your choice along with the consequences. Any way you choose you own the consequences. If that's okay with you; you're on program.
I can totally identify with this, it is like picking a winner, cleaning it all up and then back to rock bottom again. It gets very wearing and I wonder at this stage is there anything genuine about addicts, I find it very hard to trust them and have any respect for them so I with you on the thin line battle, I have been very disappointed in others and forgot to focus on me, your share has enlightened me today.
I read your post with interest, as your title reminded me of something a counsellor once told me..... He drew a circle, with "love" and "hate" right next to each other, on either end of the line..... He explained that from a relationship perspective, the furthest thing away from love is "apathy" (on the opposite side of the circle)..... I had never looked at it like that before, but it seems to hold true....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
"My question to anyone reading this and understanding where I'm coming from is this.... how do I stop having feelings of hatred for him?" "But, I feel such rage from just imagining him using while I'm not around, and then "getting away" with it again. Basically, I feel I'm being made a fool of. If he's NOT using, and I AM just paranoid, look at all the time I'm wasting worrying about it. I am literally driving myself insane.........." -stariana
Welcome! I saw one of ur responses & wanted to read your first "thread." I can relate to your history in that, you grew up with this disease. As an ACoA (adult child of A) you have slightly unique issues with that. I highly recommend the book 12 Steps for Adult Children as it has helped me so much with the Program. The chapter on feelings... and how we twist them all around that we make ourselves feel responsible & guilty for others ( it's very enlightening).
You are very lucky to not need your A financially. You are not stuck in a position due to finances.
They say we have to be very invested & care a lot to go off/hate someone. If u are experiencing anything like the emotional turmoil, I've gone through, I imagine that you are frustrated, disappointed and angry with yourself for making a "bad choice." I did that too, when I was married to an addict, wondering 'how did this happen?' when I knew the Program before (use it or lose it).
I had to go through letting go of my idealized romantic fantasies of "my first wedding/marriage." No one wants to break up. It hurts. I beat myself up long and hard about what a failure I was for being where I was. All this served to do was further my depression, confusion, lowering self-esteem, thoughts of suicide... on & on.
I felt so guilty for thinking about me or attempting to love myself first. It was foreign in my hard-wiring but the truth is (esp as a parent) you have to be the best you possible, to be there emotionally healthy for your kids.
My mother always said she wanted me to be at peace and happy but for SO long, she hasn't been. We do what we see, not what we are told. Being once a rebellious teen, myself, they are going to start to push limits, it is part of becoming an individual.
A few days ago, I was trying to figure out at the deepest core, why as an 11 y/o to present (40) my step-father's alcoholism has hurt me so much. It started with the promises that never got fulfilled, the little disappointments add up and you feel unworthy or their attention, love.
I know w/ my ex AH, the more I loved him & bent over backwards, did what he demanded, the more hateful he treated me.
IMHO, if you love him and want to stop hating & stay together (in spite of his recovery in sobriety or lack there of) ~ forgive yourself for being human. We all make mistakes, it is how we develop, grow. Also, don't expect to be perfect the first time out... as a former athelte it takes a lot of practise to do things perfectly. As an ACoA, we want to be perfect.
I had to forgive myself first before I could look to others and begin forgiving them. It takes daily surrender of the past ( for me - seemed to take a long time but layers kept coming up & off, so I'm an onion like Shrek). Seriously, a therapist told me, "you don't go to the gym and pick up 500 pounds. Forgive in increments." That was a great suggestion for me b/c I was feeling like a failure for not forgiving fast enough or completely enough.
"But, I feel such rage from just imagining him using while I'm not around, and then "getting away" with it again. Basically, I feel I'm being made a fool of. If he's NOT using, and I AM just paranoid, look at all the time I'm wasting worrying about it. I am literally driving myself insane.........." -stariana
My comment on this, is that this is what we all do with an A, try to police, monitor, help, control, whatever... it does make YOU sick. It takes your attention away from loving yourself & your kids and having your own life and owning it.
We cannot control very much in this lifetime. We can control what we do, take responsibility for your kids, until they are of legal age but after that we all have to fly solo. I have discovered that people (even healthy non-A's) will lie and tell you what they think you want to hear and do what they want to anyway. A's are Master Manipulators and are professionals at this game.
I can control my reactions in emotionally charged situations. I can choose to be brutally honest. I can want to change the world but in reality, I can only change and control myself.
Part of me learning to focus on me, means I don't think, imagine or project about what my A's (and all the non-A's I know) are doing or not doing. If someone hurts me or crosses a line/boundary, I speak up & say, "this is unacceptable." I tell them what I expect and if it isn't okay, we don't maintain a relationship.
Even the best working relationships (healthy ones) require respect, willingness, and a mutual understanding... I wouldn't expect something from someone that I would not be willing to do myself.
I do know one thing... when you change your direction, focus and get on with living, enjoying your own life... people come after you and ask how you are & what you're up to.
You are worth it, keep at it. Even the tiniest pebble makes a lot of ripples.
love in recovery, -kitty
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Star, I'm so proud of you for having the courage to find your voice on this. That is step number one. Get your hands on as much literature that you can and read daily. Find a face to face meeting, your sons are at ages they too can attend meetings called alateen. Fill up your mind with healthy ways to deal with life and learn all of your choices. Don't take his actions or addictions personally, it's him hurting himself. It's not intended to ruin you, realize you can love the person and hate the disease. Life is a set of choices, don't feel like you need to make any rash decisions without all of the facts. This program is and has been and will continue to be a lifeline. It teaches us how to get out of their business and really work on our own daily well being. Keep posting, keep coming, you are worth it.
I completlely understand your question, but from a slightly different angle. Humanly speaking, I have every reason to "hate" my husband, and I don't. While I cannot say I love him, I am still emotionally wrapped up in him. It makes no sense and I can't stand it. It is truly one of those areas where I need to "believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity." So, this past week I started praying every day that God turn my emotional energy off of my AH and onto me and my children. For me, it is the ONLY way.
It's frustrating to know what we are supposed to do, or how we need to act, and then not be able to respond accordingly. When I edge into compassion, I realize that that those feelings must only be a tad representative of what some As or addicts feel. They know they are supposed to stop drinking/using and need to start acting responsibly, but just can't. Thus, a Higher Power...
You are strong, smart and independent. Remember, those mind games that make us doubt our intuitions and gut feelings and wonder if are paranoid, are just that. Mind Games - that is part of the insanity of it all. You know the truth. Chances, chances, chances..... it comes down to looking only at actions AND attitudes because their words are meaningless.
Glad you are here. Keep posting and get to some face to face meetings if you can. You are not alone.
Blessings, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness at 12:42, 2008-06-07
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
