The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know lots of the slogans now like aware, accept, action etc but my mode of operation seems to be progress, then the slip or regression that can follow sneaks up on me and I wallow so much I don't even realize what has come over me so I could give myself 15 min of self pity. It takes me days to become aware of what is going on. Then I hit the bottom that no one will rescue me, I have to do this for myself - I should know that by now!!! So I seek out anything to restart.
I dragged myself to a f2f meeting and the topic was denial. I wouldn't have thought that would be related to my self pity and inaction but there are so many layers of denial so it started to make sence. I returned home and have been reading on denial and trying to restart yet again positive self talk, focus on me and doing the next best thing. I came across this and it helped me to see that each time I start to slip, expecially after seeing lots of progress, it makes sense with this reading of denial. I am at a place to take the blanket off a little more for recovery but the shock at first makes me want to wallow and hide under the blanket. So now that I am aware of this and accept it, perhaps I can do something different when I take action instead of roll up in my blanket of denial to wallow. Who would have thunk this was progress too.
"I still use, and break through, denial--as needed. When the winds of change blow through, upsetting a familiar structure and preparing me for the new, I pick up my blanket and hide, for a while. Sometimes, when someone I love has a problem, I hide under the blanket, momentarily. Memories emerge of things denied, memories that need to be remembered, felt, and accepted so I can continue to become healed - strong and healthy.
Sometimes, I feel ashamed about how long it takes me to struggle through to acceptance of reality. I feel embarrassed when I find myself again clouded by the fog of denial.
Then something happens, and I see that I am moving forward. The experience was necessary, connected, not at all a mistake, but an important part of healing.
It's an exciting process, this journey called recovery, but I understand I may sometimes use denial to help me get through the rough spots. I'm also aware that denial is a friend, and an enemy. I'm on the alert for danger signs: those cloudy, confused feelings . . . sluggish energy . . . feeling compulsive . . . running too fast or hard . . . avoiding support mechanisms.
I've gained a healthy respect for our need to use denial as a blanket to wrap ourselves in when we become too cold. It isn't my job to run around ripping people's blankets off or shaming others for using the blanket. Shaming makes them colder, makes them wrap themselves more tightly in the blanket. Yanking their blanket away is dangerous. They could die of exposure, the same way I could have.
I've learned the best thing I can do around people who are wrapped in this blanket is to make them feel warm and safe. The warmer and safer they feel, the more able they are to drop their blanket."
heavy sigh, this is a good program, a hard & easy program and worth it but I wish some of it would come easier to me. wallow, wallow, sorry. I sure like to pout when I don't get my way.
Ok, I will restart and starting to feel better even now. thanks for being here for me. hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
You know I personally have to be so careful not to want to make anyone feel any different than they do. One of my good friends is totally socially anorexic she spends most of her time out of touch with people. She envelops herself in that. I have to say its so so so key for me not to try to change her. I can show her that I am not socially anorexic any more that's about it. If I get into any kind of thinking of confronting her, wishing her different I am in such trouble!
I can certainly be kind to others or even at worst nominally polite (that's a tall order with some people). I can also always focus on myself, if I'm over reacting there is someway I am not taking care of me.
That's how it works ddub...that's how it works. So you are working it and over time it will become more natural and more subconscious to you and you will be that new person you always admired.
I like your program work. It's what I did only metaphors uses to come with the words. Wallow...only thing I knew of that wallowed were pigs eeeewwww I did not like the picture so I stopped wallowing and did something more acceptable.
Maybe kicking sand in a sand box throwing a tantrum?
Great share, Ddub. Thank you for posting that. Maybe I will take it to my next meeting.
We sure have a tendency to beat up on ourselves for things that we don't see as a normal part of the process. I have found that, for me, these things are not as bothersome as they used to be, though. Now that I recognise that a bit of denial is normal, I find that I can ride it out without getting to crazy about it.
You are getting there too. I can see that.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
What a great share. Takes away all the condemnation we feel when we are in denial, as I seem to find myself quite often.
Good to know that it's OK to hide under the blanket once in a while until I feel safe enough to drop the blanket and not have to worry about others trying to rip the blanket off before I'm ready.
Love,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Thank you for your well thought out post. I first noticed I was making progress too by not having to stay in my fear based reactions nearly as long. When I went from total shut down that lasted 2 yrs, to one month to one week to one day to half a morning then saw that I allowed myself to restart that day anew. That for me was progress. Suddenly it felt better outside the blanket then inside hiding. Slowly I didn't even have to know where my blanket was each moment. One day I didn't even think about my blanket (hiding place). That's progress. When I can come out of the down moments with prayer and fellowship and seek new healthy ways to cope. Love your post, so glad you are here.
