The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As previous post stated I told A B/F I could not live any longer with
Active drinking without recovery program for both of us.
Emotional distance.
He stated he would go to AA and (sort of ) indicated he would try an AA related counseling program. ( I really didn't get a strong idea of what he thinks or feels about it) maybe he doesn't know. I couldn't live my life not knowing what I thought about my life. Then last night he refused to talk about it more than that (emotional distance). Then today on phone from work (limited amount of time avail. - makes it more comfortable for him to bring the subject up). He states "you got what you want, but you can't expect me to be excited about it".
Bottom line: I guess this is why they say the person has to be ready, hit bottom or want to do it on their own? Lack of motivation if pushed by someone who loves them?
I really don't regret telling him I was at my breaking point and things have to change. And it is unrealistic to expect him to react a certain way. I'm just saying at this moment I need to work on being really really strong because knowing him it is ENTIRELY possible that he could get into program, benefit from it and then dump me or hurt me somehow out of resentment, for whatever reason... which means if I'm not careful I will have invested too much emotionally and be really really hurt. Don't invest what you can't afford to loose. For him I can afford to loose a little more but not my whole soul and spirit and I am trusting in my Higher Power to direct my path here, because I have history of investing way to much.
I have to say what I mean, mean what I say, which is exactly what I did. I have to be prepared that whatever may happen.
But I still feel good about saying this because I KNOW for sure I don't want what we have now for the rest of my life.
I just have to be okay with loosing whatever we may find in the future.
I have to be able to say at least to myself, if he gets in program and then for some reason it gets worse or he leaves me even though he is better I will be okay because my value is from my higher power and my value of myself and regardless I want what is best for me.
I will need my alanon friends support, direction and encouragement to get through this either way. If he backs out and I have to leave him. If he goes half hearted and life gets worse (ughhh may be likely since I pushed). Or even if life gets better.
And I've also learned I can't predict the future so there may even be other results I'm not even thinking of?? I need to stay really strong in program. But the alternative was just to leave him and say nothing. Just that I refused to take anymore and I didn't feel like doing that?
That might have sent a better message but I didn't want that and I am sure I want away from alcoholism without recovery.
I pray that even if I've made a mistake God will direct my path from here.
Bring it back, glad! How about, where are your feet at this moment? Let tomorrow take care of itself! Here is a blessing of this program, we don't have to predict the future! If you are taking care of you today, then you are just fine.
No use trying to think "if he does this then I'll do that and if he does this and that then I will do this, that, and the other....."
I had this really awsome counselor once who was working with me when ex was out having affairs and using. He was pretty mello, but one session, after I had just told him my plan of what I would do if ex did XYZ or ABC or LMNOP and counselor jumped up, and said "Seren, you are running over here and the back over there and then again over here (as he was running around the room) Aren't you tired yet? Don't you get it that all of your running around is doing nothing for your relationship except exhausting you?" Like he was kind of upset with watching me run myself ragged (physically and mentally). Made sense.
So, it is good that you are planning what YOU want. But YOUR plan doesn't have to depend on what he does or doesn't do. So hard to disentangle from the A and their pain. Insted of wanting to know what HIS answer will be, why not tell him what YOUR answer is.
Glad, you are doing fine. Just try to stay in the here and now, though. Seren is right. When we keep trying to see what MIGHT happen in the future, we exhaust ourselves to the point that we cannot deal with stuff as it comes up. The key to dealing with what might happen is to find serenity today, right here, right now, regardless what the A is doing. Really it may seem impossible to find any serenity in the chaos that is your life right now, but I am here as proof that not only is it possible, but necessary.
Once I learned to focus on me and not try to force solutions for my A, things got better for me and my family. I felt better. My kids felt better because I wasn't crazy all the time. And eventually my A wanted what we all had and he is getting better too. Now that doesn't mean that your A will get better. It just means that when we get better it seems to have a ripple effect on those around us. Some A's run the other way. Some get better. BUT, it's not up to us. We cannot control them or force their recovery.
If someone got in your face and said, "You aren't working it hard enough. You have to do it my way cause my way is right and you're not doing it right." you'd probably want to tell them to go jump off a bridge and leave you alone. You may even do things that aren't in your best interest just to be resisting. Does this make sense?
I found that when I tried to force solutions for my AH all he wanted to do was resist. Of course getting to AA is good for them, but even if they go, if they are resistant in their own head, then what are we doing but prolonging their pain?
Keeping the focus on us and what we need keeps us from getting exhausted and maintains our serenity so that we will have the energy to deal with whatever life throws at us.
You are on the right track telling him straight foreward and calmly what you need. The hard part for me was learning to let go of any expectations of what others would do with that info.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
this is a great discussion for my life as well. My A husband has been experimenting with recovery and relapse for the past year. I feel he is playing games with my life and my children's. I don't know how many relapses he has left in him-- but i know how many have left in me- zero. I told him that if he needs to continue seeing if knives are sharp, that he can do it-- but not on our watch. That is a boundary I set for me. He can (and will) do what he wants to. He does not see it that way though-- and I can see the resistant vibes that he is sending out.
I pray for the strength to do what I have to do each day. Every day he is not using helps. The other thing I recognize is that just because he is not using, it doesn't mean that life is all better. Hardly. We have years of muffled feelings and immaturity to work thru-- maybe we won't survive that. Who knows? But today is good-- and its all I have to go by.
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
Great example of taking care of yourself. Saying what you mean and not saying it in a mean way. Finding your voice, expressing your truth. Knowing your limits and what you are willing to gain or loose by your choices. No rehashing that action. It is what it is. Setting boundaries is for our protection. Speaking them clearly without buying into the guilt trips they want to land us with. Good work. Keep taking care of you. You deserve to be happy.
I applaud your strength in telling him what you will not live with. Now, you have to trust your HP to guide YOU AND him in the right path for each of you. I know it's difficult, but it will work out either way and what ever you go through will be worth it. *whispers* call your sponsor love, hugs, prayers and blessings to you, miss glad Jennifer
Your post hit me really hard because I was where you are a few months ago, and I told my A fiance exactly the same thing: "Get help or I'm outta here." So I applaud you. This is a boundary and you set it. That's a huge deal. Congratulate yourself. And forgive yourself for taking your time.
Just remember that not only does he need help, you need help too! I didn't get to Al-Anon for too long, and I'm just now working my end of it. Things get much easier when you have a program that you can work. The responses I've read to your comment are great, and even helped me a lot! But face to face meetings really are even better!
This statement hit me really hard though: "I just have to be okay with loosing whatever we may find in the future."
I'm not there yet, I think, but that's a great thing to contemplate. I also do too much forward-looking, and lately it's been a big problem. My A is still drinking even though he is seeing a therapist and working out many of his underlying problems that led to the drinking. I am proud of him for that. But the still drinking part is still very, very hard to take. I have to remind myself every time that I hear a beer can crack that it's his problem and his timeline for fixing it. For me Ultimatum One (Get help or we're through!) has basically postponed my Plan B (leaving). It's still there, I've just agreed to give him time. Sometimes I feel like I have a countdown in my head. It's not the easiest path, but it's the one I'm on, and I'll change it when I'm ready.
So I guess my ESH is to take your own advice and try to live in the moment. And get to those meetings!! And come back here!
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"It's a job that's never started that takes the longest to finish."
~ J. R. R. Tolkien
