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It started this morning, I had to urge him out the door (as usual). When my back was turned he said "Don't F*ckin b*tch at me" we had a couple words, but really I just took a deep breath and went to the car, I could hear him swearing from inside the house. We didn't talk until I came home just now. I reminded him that our daughter had two softball games on Thursday and he started complaining about how messed up everything is. I told him it's not that bad, they've dome it before he started talking with such hate and loathing in his voice, swearing, saying I had no empathy for him. I tried to change the subject but he kept the mean voice and swearing. I said "I can't believe youare so angry, what's going on here?" He said he wasn't angry untill I made him angry (with lots of swearing in between). He brought up the incident this morning but when I mentioned that he swore at me, he denied it. Then he started swearing at me for saying he swore. I really wish I had a tape recorder so somebody could hear his voice, and see what I have to put up with. I went in the bathroom and closed the door, I could hear all sorts of name calling but I just held my breath. Then I felt like I was going to explode, so I came hear instead. I feel so helpless. I have to do clinical tonight and I really don't want to leave the kids with him. He must not be drinking, beause this mean behavior had went away, he hasn't acted like this in awhile. I can't handle it, nobody should ever have to deal with this sort of behavior. It's wrong. There's nothing I can do, other than totally kiss his ass to make him stop, and that's not gonna happen. This time tomorrow, he's going to say this never happened.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
I hate to hear that too.... but its my opinion that the 3 C's cover so much more than just the actual liquid they drink.
You didn't cause him to be abusive, you cant control his abuse by kissing his ass or anything else if he doesn't want to stop... and it wont be cured by him not drinking. He has to want to deal with reality some other way than being abusive before he will quit.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
It's called "crazymaking". And you are right NO one should have to live with that kind of behavior. And I'll bet even if you totally kiss his ass, he will find something else to rage about. It has Nothing to do with you, with what you do or don't do, with how you say it, with how you look when you say it, or where your hand was in relation to your left leg. You can kiss his ass like you have done before, and say a prayer that it will change or you can change it.
If you do not feel safe with leaving the kids with him then don't. And start documenting everything he says. how he says and what you say. Then, in a month or so, re-read it. And keep it. Abusers always esclate. Just like an A develops a tolerance to alcohol, an abuser needs to up the ante to get his "fix".
Be careful and above all else take care of yourself.
Everyone looks at things differently. Physcial abuse harms the body, verbal abuse harms the soul. We all know it is the disease talking. Choices, you have choices, as Canadianguy said, "What are you going to do". Your decision, I would only offer that know one desreves to be talked to in that manner. You have Al-Anon, MIP, and your HP on your side, so continue to use them. Good luck. RLC
"I really wish I had a tape recorder so somebody could hear his voice" -RJ
OMG, I used to tell my exAH the same thing - but not to show to anyone else but to him b/c he would deny it the next day & say it never happened. So - naturally - it made me feel like I was going crazy! But he lied about everything - he would say the sky was purple w/ orange polka dots, just to irritate me.
He's a lucky man - I'm not a mean or a person that likes to tease or get revenge on others b/c I could have really messed with him!
"He said he wasn't angry untill I made him angry " - RJ
When I went into the psychiatric hospital (I was 15, stayed for 4 months) - the physicians made it clear to me that no one can makeyou feel anything emotionally. Our emotions are our own. Only we can take responsibility for them. That is our experience... our perceptions & attitudes each of us individually as unique seperate human beings.
My ex who was addicted to pills & pot (he was manic) would blame me for things that happened to him before we met. He would say, "you ruined the whole night" in a mean voice. He yelled & screamed at me (for 4 yrs, 2 months nearly everyday once we were married it was the 3rd day/2nd day of honeymoon) , he put me down for my family, vocation, the news, the weather, where I grew up in the South... EVERYTHING was my fault.
How powerful are we that we do all this to their lives? Come one, no one shoves pills or alcohol down the A's faces! ahh, the river of denial is deep & wide
I relate to your pain too, I def have BTDT been there & done that. My exhusb broke my heart. Married 4 yrs, I've been divorced for 8 now. This is the first year (2008) that I remembered a positive memory of a time we spent together and I actually missed him or -no- but was able to appreciate an experience we had together.
Tonight I saw a commercial and thought, if my ex were here, I could imagine him falling on the floor, literally, just slumping on purpose & laughing out loud hystercially like a 6 year old kid on the floor!
It made me smile. Random positive thoughts.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Ugh it is such insanity. Lately so many things have struck me as being absolutely absurd, and he is definatley not in a right mind lately. The tension is very disturbing. It just seems to be rippling off of him. I have no idea what brought this on but it is relieving to know it wasn't (just) me. Thank you for reminding me. After all, he was just mad period, when I tried to calm him down it became all about me. This is unacceptable. I have to get out of this situation.
Since I got home I have tried very hard to stay away. I found beer where the dishrags go. He wanted to cook dinner and it took him several hours, the kids ate way past thier bedtime, and they weren't even hungry by the time he was done, something else for him to be angry about. I wanted to just bust in and whip the food out, but I really just had to stay away, I don't have the stregnth for another round.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
((((((((((((((Rainy))))))))))))))))))) This is what I have experienced. It is all part of the insanity of it all...and it is hurtful. I feel for you and felt the utter sadness. You are being abused here and it is one more consideration for you.
I have to agree with Tom and RLC. You have to really consider - "What are YOU going to do?"
Keeping you covered in prayer as you walk this road.
With love Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
There are really little digital recorders now, about the size of a lighter. I have mixed feelings about this - easy to slip into unhealthy motivations - but if you could do it because you need to be able to remind yourSELF that you're not crazy, he really did say this - maybe it wouldn't be a bad thing. And who knows what will happen down the road, but it might also not be a bad thing, some day in the future, to be able to prove to a court that the charming, reasonable self he is presenting to THEM is not his only self. But if it's to prove to HIM that you're right? That might just be playing his game. I can't say I've ever heard of an A that has suddenly seen the light when confronted with evidence of their own behaviour, unless they were already ready to admit they were powerless anyway.
Detaching is so so crystal clear difficult just when we need to do it everything seems impossible. One of the things that helped me was to make a plan b, not to act on a plan b but to start to make one. What would it take to leave, what is involved. At first I really balked at it. Then I started to work on it. I did not leave the A for a long long long long time after that but somehow making one helped me to cope. I had a choice, I had options. I didn't like any of them. I have to say I don't like the options I have these days much either but having options and acknowleding them helped.
The last thing any of us codependents want to hear is you have options, after all he should change, they should change, they are the problem. When we are faced with overwhelming behavior by someone else we look to changing them rather than look at what we can do and then start taking actions. Sometimes the actions is not to argue. That is so powerful. No matter what don't argue. I found that incredibly powerful to do but I could only actually do it when I was really immersed in a plan b and could believe with every cell in my body I had options.
Here's my comment on being right from one of my sponsors:
She says- "ok, you're right. NOW WHAT?" I always want to be right because i feel like I am on moral high ground. being right changes nothing. Only action changes things. Like someone said above-What are you going to DO about it?
Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
