The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So here I am again. It has been a LONG time since I have been on here. Some of you may remember me...some don't know me at all.
History: I married my highschool sweetheart when I was 18 and pregnant in the 12th grade. We were married for 15 years. We had a son and daughter in that time, ages now 15 yo son in Aug & 6 yo daughter in Aug. (My August babies). My ex (divorce was final in March 08) and I have been through so many things together....just about weathered every storm possible. We always managed to pull through each problem. But with each one, a little less of me survived. The final biggie was his cocaine and alcohol addictions. I tried to help him and make things work but finally had to leave for my own safety, sanity and self respect - and that of our 2 kids.
So here I am, doing ok on my own. Struggling financially b/c my ex doesn't always give me money as he said he would. He hardly ever spends time w/the kids and calls them randomly. NOW HERE IS WHERE MY NEW PROBLEMS BEGIN and it is sending me down an unchartered road for me. My almost 15 year old son is turning into his father. Sad to say and hard as hell to admit it. I busted him last fall smoking cigarettes. Since then it has come to light that he is smoking pot too and drinking. He has failed the 9th grade. And he is unbelievably defiant. My house has turned into a battle ground. The simplest things turn into arguements. He lies through his teeth over everything and acts as if I am the worst most horrible unfair mother that ever existed.
I have managed to get away from my ex and all the drama he has caused in my life....only to start it all over again w/my son. I am lost!! I don't know what to do for him, how to get him on the right course. And all the Al Anon tools I utilized w/my ex, don't seem to work for me in dealing w/my son. My ex was easier. In retro spect - much easier. Once I set my mind to leaving the marriage and got my feet planted firmly on the ground, I realized how easy it was. But w/my son, I cannot just WALK AWAY!! I have to battle this out no matter how hard it is. And I have no clue how to do this.
I set up an appointment with the County Mental Health and Substance Abuse Center but it is not until July 29. OUCH!!! I am going to try to get him to agree to go to this local church that has a skate park, paintball park and various other fun actitivities over the summer. This will cost me a fortune though but I will just have to put my wonderful government stimulus check towards it (whenever it shows up). I am considering putting him in military school in the fall although he is extremely resistant to it. He doesn't want to leave his "friends". I cannot afford the school but have a connection with someone who may be able to pull some strings for me to get scholarships for some of it.
So here I am....done w/the alcohol and cocaine using ex only to have to start the battle all over again w/my young easily influenced teenage son.
My arms are outstretched to you with big hugs!!! You're living my fear, and I am sitting at work with tears in my eyes - for you and for me! I have been married to an addict for nearly 14 years, and always question my staying in the marriage (today as a matter of fact) because of what a divorce would mean to my sons (ages 12 & 13). My biggest fear is that one or both of my sons would turn to using to rebel if their father and I split.
So, I have no words of wisdom as far as your son and your battles, but know this.... you are obviously a very strong woman to have gone through everything already. Let your experience guide you through this one. He doesn't know it yet, but he's a really lucky kid! Most mothers wouldn't look at this situation so objectively. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, and you'll stick by him to see to it that he doesn't take the wrong road in life. Hugs, and God bless! I hope things work out for you and your kids...
QOD, I am so sorry you made it through all of that the divorce and all to get to the next stage and have to deal with your son. I am currently dealing with my 18 year old basically doing the same thing. His father and I are separated and having difficulties dealing with each other in addition to the issues with our son. My AH feels like I have lost my son's respect by being too lenient with him and now trying to put up boundaries. My AH also feels like if I can't get our son's respect back he will end up dead. I think that is a little exaggerated but I feel that there is potential for him to find trouble. He just graduated from High School and now he has all of his graduation money so that is really scaring me. My AH feels like I should have been keeping track of our son's money but I am sorry he is 18 years old, he works but he does nothing around the house. I have already kicked him out once based on his behavior, which he did turn around. But I think I may have still given him too much freedom, for living under my roof. I tried to talk to him last night and I know he just told me what he thought I wanted to hear. So I am afraid that it is time for tough love and I really don't want to do that but he has left me with no other options. I know he has all of this money that he can use to make a place for himself for a little while but it won't last long. Then the other side of that is letting his dad know what is going on and I will have to put up a boundary on that conversation because I will not be belittled by him. My AH would check in to the family and then check out, so now he is "checked out" but wants input on what is going on. I don't blame him for that but these things didn't happen overnight. Our son was smoking pot while his dad was still in our home but we were not aware of it. So of course that is my fault. I am not very good with consistency, so it is kind of hard for me to get the hang of it and I feel as though it may be at the expense of my son that I am learning now. I just don't know how else to get through to him. I feel for your situation, I truly do. I am trying to apply the tools I am learning to my son but I feel differently toward my son than my AH and it just doesn't seem to be working for me either. So I will try the tough love, that's all I have left.
I am glad you're back. No one understands us like we all do.
I'm ACoA... . I found al-anon @ 17 & after 2 years, thought I 'knew it all' and slowly abandonned meetings & reading the lit each day.
A lot of Al-Anon got deep into my core, like the 3 C's and being able to accept things as they happen, being able to identify when I'm wrong & immediately change or apologize for it, so like hp, we may turn our backs on it but it is still there.
So, I didn't actively work the Program for a lot of years in between. ( It kind of feels like what the A's describe as when they are sober, it's all good, when they use again, the disease picks up right where they left it off. I feel like that is with my Program too... if I don't use it, I daily slip back into very sick & self-destructive thinking).
I am not an A, certainly I have abused partying the in the past, so it is very very easy & obvious for me to have attracted A's.
I am an only child & I am not a parent. With that being said, here goes my esh & opinions: and another disclaimer... I really wanted to respond immediately to ur post. I want to be very careful of what I say b/c i feel your pain/guilt.
I have tried to save others (most of my life, esp my mother). I cannot. It seems lame to go back to the beginning but it is true... you didn't cause it, can't control it & can't cure it. You can how ever control yourself, change yourself, cure/heal yourself.
Kids (humans) will do what they see, not what you tell them. Your son being ACoA, this is all he's ever seen. Most teens do experiement - used to be college, now it's younger & younger.
I have abused chemicals but I am not an addict. I mean to say, I have gotten drunk. It isn't all that fun. It took me a long time for it to 'not be fun' - I didn't get hang overs until I was in my 30's. I hated it.
2-3 months ago, I stopped drinking w/ meals... which I used to LOVE to do. I am finding this month, I have virtually no desire for it at all.
Science says addiction is 1:4 genetic. If it's on both sides, it's 50/50. You are not responsible for your genetics, we simply come with them.
Your son may be doing what I did - I felt frustrated, angry, helpless, so I partied. It never alleviated my emotions or make me numb to my feelings.
The fact is, you are aware of your son's behavior and you are offering support, options & help. You can't control anyone but you, but at least he knows you are there. I resented my mom for trying to offer me help when I was 15... I wanted her to listen to me. It felt like she just wanted to wave a wand over me & instantly change me. When I resisted & didn't have an automatic effect, it seemed like she gave up. Truth is, she was having problems in her own life. Changes take time & they are painful.
I tried to blow my head off when I was 15. i went to a psychiatric hospital for 4 months. It is very difficult to look at yourself & take responsibility and being ACoA I automatically want to "help" everyone else too.
I can take responsibility for my own actions and feelings. That is about all I can own. I have 3 cats, I can try to protect ( or over protect) them all I want. Things happen.
A year ago, this June, my mother's Beloved schnauzer died of cancer @ 8 years old. They usually live to 18-20. I am still greiving and miss Sebastian. We never knew he had cancer, we found out he had 3 types of cancer & within a week he died. Mom was taking him every other day to the vet. He passed in the car on the way home from one of those visits.
He was the most imtelligent, loving and expressive dog I've ever had the blessing to know (and I grew up with many animals). He's an angel.
Be calm and gentle with yourself. It seems like we all want to fix and change each other, truth is it is very hard to simply transform ourselves.
It seems like I have lived in fear, dread, anxiety & hopelessness from 10, 15 y/o until now... only having very small breaks from that, say on a vacation. In this last week, my mother & I have talked emotionally & have been connecting.
I love her, more than anyone (even me - which I am working to change a lil each day) but hugging her & telling her 'I love you' is awkward, it shouldn't be. It ought to be the easiest thing in the world.
Today I am not overwhelmed. I may be 5 years behind on my to do list but that is okay. I am focusing on what I can do & not what I can't. I spent nearly 2 years in bed... depressed, crying, sleeping.
If I think of the past, I re-experience the pain... if I think about tomorrow I get overwhelmed. If I stay in the Now, the present moment I can take one step at a time. No one can do it all & I think most of us expect too much of ourselves. I don't want to kill myself working & not having emotional awareness & intimacy with other human beings that I love. ( I had my first job @ 10 - I'm no slacker... I genuinely needed to grieve so many things in my life ~ apparently it took a lot) but today I got up, took the trash out and am not beating myself up with guilt. My spirits are up and I feel grateful ~ for me I recognize that as a miracle!
Hang in there, much love, strength & encouragement to you... may hp embrace you, so u feel some ease of this burden, in this moment.
love, -kitty
p.s. You are never alone or without support here... we just pick up where we leave off. You have all the tools from your exAH. I know how hard it is to detach. If we don't come to know pain, we can never know what true love is. If we don't fall, we never learn to walk.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Wanted to reach out and say you are in my thoughts and prayers. I am at work and can only take a moment.
I have some hope for you... my oldest son did the same thing, and in my eyes it was not my now ex-wife that was leading the chaos parade at the time but my oldest son who was just 13.
Everything was a war... I could look at his clothes on the floor and with him standing there ask did you pick up your clothes.. and he would say yes. *sigh*
I didn't fully understand that his compulsion to drink with his friends drove his behavior the way it did...
He would ask for money for some bizzar reason... and when I said that wasn't reasonable he would have a tantrum... he hated me, hated his mom.. hated the house... blah blah blah... a real Jerry Springer moment each time.
But I played into it... and tried to fix everything... tried to get him to understand... (just like I did with his Mom, to no avail)
I had to treat him just like he was any other abusive adult. If he said I was the devil and I knew better I just said... "you are entitled to your opinion... " and eventually he quite doing it. I quit trying to justify "why" I didn't give him money for crazy things... just said no and went back to what I was doing.
I got lucky... he looked at what his Mom was going through and didn't want to be there himself...his HP stepped in and helped him and he did calm down. He did get a good job... he is going to college now.
I don't take credit for a thing... only saved myself some agrivation and probabaly our relationship by getting out of the way. I had my hands full going nuts myself... lol
Like I said I have no answers... but wanted to offer, he is young... and there is always hope... and its not your fault!
We are right her for you... and glad to see you no matter the circumstances...
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I did this,got him into the Catherine Freer Survival School. it is one you can trust.Changed my sons life.
If you have insurance,it will cover all or most of it possibly.
Is MUCH better than playing at a churck camp where they are not really offering all your boy needs.
They backpack and learn the difference between needs and wants,realize what their priorities are.They get to know themselves and come out ahead of most other kids.
I invite you to: They find their own power,and what their passion is.Motorcycles?Skateboarding?fishing? whatever, but whatever it is support it as if you are saving his life,as you are.Kids who do what they love,have a better chance staying off drugs.
My horse kept me out of all kinds of trouble in the sixties.love deb who's son ended up a hiker,backpacker, fisherman,scuba dives,landscapes, is a leadman for his building contractor,He is totally into nature and photography. plus he has a great dog,gabe a Mastiff/ Newfy cross.Looks like a super huge lab.
I can guarentee this is what works. the kid needs his heart filled up,so his confused head has a chance.
And love love love him,ignore what they say, watch what they do.I learned to say wow, i sure would not make that choice.I did not allow him to drag me into drama stayed cool,set boundaries and consequences. right now he is four year old in a big body. He is confused, he is no longer a child but not as adult.
He needs very strict boundaries, this is no time to let go.sounds like you aren't.good for you. The more he pulls away,the more you real him in.Know where he is, he has to check in, meet parents of his friends,check to see if he is where he says he is.
NOT telling you what to do,just sharing experience.Scuze any errors. I am up late with a migraine.
Hon it is all normal, the key is to put a stop to it NOW.He is experimenting. find his passion, do anything to support that
I wish it were under different circumstances that I say welcome back to you. I wish you were just popping into say hi and everything was okay. But I am glad you've come back here for love and support. Honestly, I don't know how parents deal with a child who has addiction issues. It would kill me. You're right having a spouse or significant other or sister/brother, etc can be easier because you can walk away. How you would do that with a child is something I can't answer.
All I can do is encourage to keep coming back here. Remember you are doing the best you can. Call the Substance Abuse Agency and see if they can put you on the waiting list for the next cancellation. Also we have something called the Alcohol Crisis Center. Now typically it's where addicts go when the want to stop. If you have something like that in your area, you might call them and see if you can get some information from them about what to do in the mean time. Is there an Alanon meeting in your area where it deal with just addict children? We have a support group that is not Alanon related but is just for parents of addicted children. Perhaps if you found something like that, they might be a good source of information. Just a thought. Meanwhile I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I agree you have to put a stop to this right now. Sometimes you just have to get mean. I know it sucks, my teenager bites the big one too but when they know you mean it the situation changes. I mean MEAN! I am starting to figure out that our only job in parenting teens is to see that they make it to 18 alive and hopefully with some skills to support themselves and then let them fly... or fall, whatever the case may be.
You know Terry Gorski who is an expert on addiction says what we do in life is move from one set of problems to another. I think that's true. I left the A a year ago penniless. Since then its been a really hard grind. I have a whole different set of issues which consume me. Nevertheless it is different. For me that's progress.
Yes you are not dealing with an A at the moment as a husband/boyfriend. At the same time having 100% focus to give on your child is progress. I didn't have 100% to give to anything at my worst I was simpy paralyzed with fear, guilt, anger and total obsession with the A. There wasn't room for one original thought in there! Who says we get to have the perfect life? I used to yearn for that now I really try to work on what do I have, what can I do to change this (and that doesn't mean the former obsessing, making myself sick stuff) and how can I live my best life today.
maresie - I think Cheryl Crow said it best when she said, "Its not having what you want but wanting what you have". So soak up the sun girl and tell everyone to lighten up!
Sorry to say, its called Karma and yes your son is a reflection of his Father, but there is hope, don't forget that 50% of your son is you too. Its a shame his Father is not there to support you and raise his son. I don't have children on drugs or alcohol but my brother had trouble with his son when he divorced the Mom. She would let him do anything and their wasnt much supervision. My nephew started smoking pot around 13 yrs old. My brother did not relent, he was on his, excuse the expression ass all the time, he knew where he was at every moment, he had his teacher fax his grades and assignments every week, he was always in touch with his teachers. Sorry you have to be the tough one , but thats your karma. Now my brother and his son are close and his son has a son and he is the best Dad, and appreciates my brother like you cant believe, your son will too, its called tough love, don't give up hope.
