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Well brothers and sisters, I am having a very difficult time, once again, with my oldest son. Who has graduated from high school. By the skin of his teeth. Now we are working on gettng grants, scholarships, or loans for his college education. None of which he wants to participate in. I have tried to talk to him about how important this is because his father and I do not have the ability to pay for it. He has quite a few things he needs to take care of but his priority is working his part-time job, which starts at 6:00 a.m. everyday. He works several hours, depending on the weather, he is a grounds keeper for a golf course. He is 18 years old and feels like that special number has graced him with the ability to do ONLY what he wants. We have been through him being kicked out of the house because of his disregard for my rules, but we did sit and talk about his behavior and the things that are expected of him. We came to an agreement, signed and everything. He was doing very well and I was proud of him for pulling things together to graduate. In the mix of all of that his father and I are seperated and I am dealing with a serious "female" condition that I need to get treated but it makes me very tired and anemic. This condition has been pre-occupying my time and dealing with the discomfort. This is the time that he startes to take advantage of the situation. I have been in contact with his father and discussed this with him and all I got from him is that our son has no respect for me because I have always let him get away with things in the past. Which I will admit that I have done, in the past. But a lot of that came out of desperation in trying to keep my son motivated because his dad was always coming down on him, almost breaking his spirit. I felt like at that time it would help my son feel better and help motivate him to do the things he was supposed to be doing, his chores, his school work. Well as you can guess once he was given lienancy(sp) and he liked it, he would take advantage of that. I would struggle with getting him back in line and I really never was able to. I also felt at that time that I must deserve this in some way, as a "payback" for not dealing with his dad's a'ism. (Before Alanon)One of my AH's suggestions was that I needed to get my son's respect back. Now I put this to you all, how do you a child's respect back other than trying to show, by example, the changes that need to be made and direction on how to do them? I know I have to put my foot down and get this child to understand that he lives here rent free and gets an occasional ride to work and pays for nothing. I am just so frustrated. I know that to kick him out now, would not really do too much because he has quite a bit of cash on him from his graduation gifts but I also know that his money would run out quick. He thinks he knows how to "finance" himself, that's what he calls budgeting. I am just feeling overwhelmed and need to take a few deep breathes and ask HP for guidance and strength!! Any ideas of input is appreciated.
I can truely relate... my now 23 year old, was much the same way. I have no clear cut advise, but I do know looking back that the times that he seems to pick up on life lessons were when I was looking out for myself, not trying to teach him.
I recall horrible failure as I tried to cram respect and maturity down his throat... *smile*
I am sure that doesn't come close to what you were asking... but as I made rules to enforce what I needed in the home, and around his spending... things got better and he became more responsable.
Wish I had magic... but there is comfort in the slogans that work. How imortant is it... let go and let god... say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean...
Above all, take care of yourself... the rest is in HP hands anyway.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
RT, thank you. I feel like you have an understanding of what I am going through right now. I know he is a good kid and he is trying to find his way in this world. But I can see what is going on from the outside and it hurts to see where he is going. He did manage to finish High School and that is a true blessing that I am grateful for. I am looking for the positive to reinforce with him when we talk later today. He does have a good heart and I know that. I am just feeling a little vulnerable given my health situation but I know that will sort itself out. I am medication to help but I am still a little weak. I need to tap into my inner strength that got me through my brain cancer and then brain surgery. I know it's in there I just need to center myself and quiet my mind and get there! Thanks for you support...
(((Wild))) I can certainly identify with your situation. When my 2 oldest got to college age and they decided not to take an active part in their searching out financial resources, I stopped doing it myself. They are paying for school themselves because of their apathy in their own lives. I help them out with other areas associated with their education but they pay for tuition and room & board when it applied. I too, when they were younger allowed them some lienency which did them a disservice for what was ahead of them. They are now learing the lessons of what life is really about.
Both are still living at home (21 & 19). One is in school the other is not - both pay room & board or they have to find somewhere else to go. Those are the rules and believe me they bucked for a while about it. However, they are now learning about what it is like to be an adult. It sounds harsh and I have been criticized for it - but what I can tell you is that I see a big change in both of them from the "oh mom will take care of things" kids to them being empowered to take care of themselves.
I love my kids dearly and they know it. Believe it or not they are grateful for what they have and that they are learning what the world is really like.
Good luck - it is not an easy battle with teens but with some give & take it can work out.
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
Michelle, I am reminded of a sign I saw one day years ago on the way to work. It said " It is hard for 18 year olds to believe one day they will be as dumb as their parents". There is a lot of truth in that. I know my Mother and Father got so much smarter as I got older. I know now that they always did what they thought was best for me. At the time that was hard for me to understand, and accept sometimes. I'm sure you have always done what you thought was in your childs best interest. We have all made mistakes with our children, but who hasn't. It is your home, and you can have your rules, and expect them to be followed. Rules (Boundaries) can save your sanity. When he realizes you intend to stick by your guns (Discipline) and expect the rules to be followed, then he has a choice, he is 18, and old enough to decide if he wants to abide with them or not. I had a simular situation with my Son. I remember telling him, You can either push your wagon or you can pull it, but I am not going to allow you to sit in the wagon any longer. I am very proud to say he chose to pull the wagon. Your only decision is to distinguish between acceptable and unaccepable behavior you are prepared to live with. Please read page 345 in Courage To Change. It might just hit home with what you are going through, and where you are now. I know your plate has been full with just your medical problems. When we see the slogan "Take Care Of Yourself First" it can go in one ear and out the other. But, in your case that is exactly what you need to do. Now,you go have a great day the rest of the day. RLC
I think there have to be really clear consequences to actions for an active A to feel anything. I have dealt with this quite a bit with my roommates. If I relax my guard for one second they'll take advantage. I hold a really hard line. I no longer worry about their welfare, do they like me (A's don't like anyone) to be their friend. I hold the boundary. I'm sure this is not what you want to hear. There is a saying in AA we thought we could find an easier softer way and found it was not possible. I think personally for me its similar when it comes down to dealing with an active A. Respect comes from boundaries, you may not like the kind of respect that brings because an Alcholic does not fall on their sword and say thank you but if you hold the boundary and have consequences they have no choice but to deal with it.
I long long long used to think about the welfare, feelings and mindset of the A. I second guessed them then I got walked all over. I now no longer think about the feelings (they don't like to be adults) or welfare or psychological make up of the A. I think of what I need. What I want to deal with and what I don't. If I don't do this my well being comes second and I am no longer willing to deal with that.
You are absolutely correct. I feel like I am in a weakended state and my son does take advantage of that. He and I do have a contract from a previous situation so I am about to alert him to it being enforced. I don't even know where my strength to get out of bed comes from everyday. But I do it! I love this kid so much and I have to admit, he is like the mirror image of his A-father when it comes to the excuses and reasons for everything. I really am not that quick on the uptake in situations, I never have been, I usually get tongue tied and or confused, so they both end up being able to "get over" on me in that way. Well here I go. Thank you for the books!!
((WT)) you already know the road to success with him requires consistancy and the courage to stand your ground. Each time you stand your ground by enforcing those boundaries, it will become easier. He will "get it" and you will "get it".
From one mother to another, I've always said there has to be a special place in heaven for mothers who have raised sons!!
