The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Have shared how my two grown kids will not be real with me. I have not called my son. Wanted to just leave him alone.
had to call becuz i needed info from our shared family cells.
he immediately went into a tirade at me. does not matter what, was all convaluted stuff from when he was a kid, blaming me for our family not being involved with him. They are all dead. so that made no sense.
he asked about mothers day. I reminded him I had called him and invited him over as daughter and gson were coming too. He said he would call and let me know. he made some excuse.
I asked him why doesn't he call to just let me know how he is, or how his garden is? or why doesn't he just call me and ask how i am or if my flowers are growing.
He said I don't have to call all my friends to see how they are! i told him i am your mother.
Had to remind him a couple times.
then he started more tirade said the f word, I again said, please do not talk to me like that.
then I lost it, said it is very clear you don't want anythingto do withe me,told him the worst thing in the world to me is to have my two precious kids not love me, ignore me. i know you don't love me, can't handle that, its too horrible. then said fine fine thats it, I am no one to you. that is how it is and hung up.
as usual thought about pills, razors, etc. lost feeling, thought.
I then thought I only need to say, please forgive me.
then that is that. He happened to call back. I immediately said, just forgive me, I respect you have all this crap you think I was so horrible about.ok so you do, so forgive me, he says for what? for everything you just said I did, I said ok just forgive me for being your mother. forgive me for not being perfect. and that means it is not brought up anymore,not thought about anymore.
My children not loving me, ya might as well stab me. i am going to go and hung up.
he sad daughter had called him and told himI did not want to see them. I left her a message asking her about this. I have not heard anything.
I was so mad.I was so sick, the digestive disease i have is horribly worse when this stuff goes on. I take it all in my gut. so I have no control over body functions, it is painful and I lose blood.
I had told Raini I was in too much pain to see anyone.
she said she understood.
nothing can hurt me worse, nothing.Note even my first husband dieing and my second dieing and a stranger came out of surgery.
I am sorry to vent here.I hate it when I do. there is NO ONe to talk to. iloved raising my babies, kids, teens adults. I am always so proud of them and tell them what i see that I am proud of.
I asked mac when have you ever said anything nice about me? he got quiet for a long time. I said never, I have NO recolection.
I said I slept in the living roomhappily so you and rain had bedrooms. I quit college back then and worked for the school district to be home when you were. everything I did when you were kids was for you. I loved it. It was always my dream to be a mom.
might as well have taken my heart out and tore it up and stuck it back.
I pray almost every day to die naturally. i used to say i love my kids so much i live for them. that is much harder than dieing for them.
nothing can make me feel better.nothing.I take a day at a time, i give it to my hp. put one foot in front of the other, am in awe of creation. appreciate all i do have.
all the while, dieing inside. hp is hanging on to me tight. tonight more nightmares. love,debilyn
"I am sorry to vent here.I hate it when I do. there is NO ONe to talk to." -debilyn
This is the only place that I can truly be the most honest about these issues, in alanon. Don't ever feel bad about your feelings, they are valid. What's the expression; 'we are only as sick as our secrets'.
"Have shared how my two grown kids will not be real with me."
"as usual thought about pills, razors, etc. lost feeling, thought."
"forgive me for not being perfect. and that means it is not brought up anymore,not thought about anymore."
I have very codependent issues with my mother. I certainly relate to how you feel about not having the kind of intimacy or connection that you desperately want in your family and relate, extremely to the feeling of being hopeless, overwhelmed & random suicidal ideations.
Being so heart sick (codie) isn't healthy. Loving my mother more than myself is not healthy. I am learning to love myself first, put myself first but it is difficult, still nearly impossible for me but it is microscopically moving forward ( I guess). I don't know how to love myself first, as if my needs don't matter but I am trying, for me just to post a little helps tremendously.
I have attempted suicide twice, 21 years apart... both times - like 'the morning after - I was gencuinely relieved and grateful to God to still be here & had to forgive myself for trying to hurt me. HP clearly has me here for a reason... I believe there is a purpose for us all being here.
To let go, let god ( LG, LG) it is so hard for me, acceptance is all I can do ~ I can only change &/or control myself.
It is very convenient for other people to 'blame us' for things, we all do the best we can with what we have until we know better. All of us have to take responsibility for ourselves. You can only be responsible for you, (( debilyn )). IMHO, it is unfair, unrealistic ( and it is not the truth/reality) for your son to blame you or for you to believe it. Relationships require two people. Even in the best of conditions, being a human being is a challenge.
Your posts have helped me so much, you have been such a generous spirit and loving and supportive friend in recovery to me personally in the last few years. May God's loving wings protect and surround you.
p.s. My mother always said, "that being a parent is the most unappreciated job in the world. No matter what you do, in hindsight there is always something you could've done better or wasn't good enough for your kid."
love, hope & strength in recovery, your friend, -k
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
You know I relate to what you go through, for I have been there too, time and time again.
I HAVE to LET GO, LET GOD. And I also have to remember that, whilst I may cherish my children and have turned my world upside down trying to be a good mother for then with all that I was dealing with, I have to LET GO of them too.
Just because I was their mother does not mean that they owe me anything. Our children are ours for such a short time and then, like all creatures on earth, mothers have to LET GO of them and that is risky, for it means that we give them their wings to fly the nest and that is the way of nature. However, human being don't naturally let go like most of God's creatures, we continue the links in family and extended family relationships and that is where the difference lies. When, therefore a child does let go of the family, and does not communicate we find it hard to bear. We, as mother's - for I can only relate from a mother's experience - find it difficult to let go and not expect the relationship to continue.
However, to go back, when a child does fly the nest and makes his/her own way in life, they are from then on their own and have choices and if they chose to cut us out of their lives it is they choice, and that is what hurts. We can only try our best to forgive them for making that choice, let them get on with it and hopefully keep the lines open by not expecting anything from them, just letting them know that we are still there for them, when they want to find their way back to us.
One thing is for sure, you will always be the mother of your children, no matter how they treat you or think of you or chose to live their lives. That can never be taken away from you. Cherish their lives as the gifts that they were when they were born to you. Cherish the fact that you did the best you could for them as they grew up. Cherish the fact that you have the love for them no matter what else happens, and not matter whether they get in touch or tell you that they love you. The God of your understanding knows you love them, as He loves you. Unconditionally.
We cannot expect them to be there for us if they chose not to be.
I chose to keep mine in my life, and I am the one who has to do the communicating. I am the one who has to get in touch with them. I now, after all these years, DO NOT EXPECT ANYTHING, true - not one single thing from them.
We in the meantime, have to realise that they OWE US NOTHING, for rearing them and feeding them and cherishing them and bringing them to adulthood. They owe us nothing, that was our responsibility, to bring them to adulthood and then let go.
((((((((((Debilyn)))))))))))))))) twelve months ago I would NEVER, NEVER, have expected me to be saying this however, I know it is far healthier for me to LET GO, AND LET GOD in this way.
He knows my heart, He knows my needs, He knows my loves and He knows my hurts.
And what did He do, He sent me this FAMILY. I cherish all of you, especially you, dear sister. I feel your pain, and if I were not so far away I would be cradling you in my arms and hugging you and telling you how very, very special you are. To let go of a child is so so difficult, to not expect anything back is such a hard choice to make, however it is powerful and courageous and brave.
My life, like yours, is so hard, so lonely at times, and so fraught with illness...for today, just be you Debilyn...let your tears flow, let your sadness out and let your heart desires known...I know that tomorrow will be a new day. Just be loved by this family - I know it is NOT the SAME as being loved by your own children, I am sure they do love you and I feel sure that your son is unhappy and hurting, he just does not know how to get over this and recognise where the unhappiness and hurt comes from. You on the other hand are the safe one and so he unloads this on you...and in his self pitying does not see the pain he causes. Can you find it in your heart to forgive him this wrong perception?
Such similarities are not coincidences, they are fact and these are the facts that we, as loving mothers take to our wounded hearts. LET GO, LET GOD Debilyn. Let the God of your understanding heal you as I do mine.
In the meantime, know that you are in my prayers and I am sending you (((((((((cyber))))))))))) hugs across the pond.
Suzannah
-- Edited by Suzannah at 07:49, 2008-06-01
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
I can so relate to you... Yes being a parent is sooo hard. But even if we are mothers we are women who deserve a live of peace and serenity and fun and love and all the positive things. I am also going thru a tough time with my son, but I am trying to Let Go and Let God. Easy no---but I do more harm by phoning and emailing. Sometimes no news is good news.
I am glad you vented here and it is good to get what is in you head & heart out of yourself. It's like for me, then I can reread my post and look at my feelings more than feel them so deeply.
Motherhood is quite the career. To succeed, we try to put our selves out of a job so kids can move away. We can be proud of their independence and ability to actually survive on their own except when they take those same strengths and turn them on us, their moms. They no longer need us nor are they dependent on us and they think less of themselves when they should/could ask for some help/support but instead continue to survive on their own, deal with their own problems etc........ which makes us proud yet lonely, sad or missing them. It's a crazy circle again but the only thing that can be added to the life an adult child is HP's guidance to honor one's parents. Then I think of how I role model that........ hmmm, sometimes ok, sometimes not.
I have no answers but you are not alone. This hurts like being hit by a ton of bricks. I understand and hope children of all eventually can understand their parents, flaws and all. It can be too hard for some but for you, it is very hard to understand your kids actions - there is hope that they will have their a-ha moment, get it and be more attentive. There is always hope, and until then detachment, which I use to not be hurt by those people, like kids, who just don't get it.
You are one of the most caring, supportive and non judging souls on this board and make a difference in the lives of many. You are loved here in your MIP family so feel our care and hugs. Positive thoughts and prayers are coming your way.
hugs, ddub
-- Edited by ddub at 23:46, 2008-06-01
__________________
"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
D, u listen to me, your HP is right there, you turn to him and give him this horrible burden: lock stock and barrel. Give him the whole stinkin' mess. Right now.
Love your self enuf to do this. Stop with the punishing yourself. SHow yourself some love and compassion. We love you here so much, we are your family. You will be OK, this too shall pass! hugs and love., J.
I hear you. I have to give my AHsober, their father, for molding them too. It just isn't about being there mother. I have three grown sons. I have asked them to call once a week. They usually don't; then they get pissy when I call. I work at letting them go. Two out of the three blame me in part for their father leaving me. Go figure. I let them have their feelings. I work at staying out of their crappola and setting better boundaries. As with most people what they give you is really not about you. Hope this helps.
As long as you hang on and get through this, it will pass and things will get better. I communicate with my kids all the time about what's going on with me and they think I'm horrible now. I can't guarantee that they'll come around when they get older but I'm certainly not their best friend right now. I feel like they are ungreatful frequently and tell them what I go through to take care of them all the time. I think it's important for them to know and hopefully make different choices. They know I love them but we don't always talk very nicely to each other.
My daughter has been very angry with me in the last few years. I can't say I didn't played a part, but....I did my best at the time. She couldn't seem to forgive me and the distance was killing me. Since coming to al-anon, our relationship is improved, but she still doesn't phone or come around much. When she does, it's very limited.
Previous advice given to me... These "attachments" of mine, keep me from my Higher Power. What I expect my children (and others) to give to me... I should be asking from my HP. I need to depend on my HP, and no one else. I have long held the belief that families are supposed to LOOK a certain way... get together with me on holidays and be there in my time of need, including weekly phone calls. I had to change my belief. I know that...in a sense...REALITY and WHAT IS, is my Higher Power. And, when I fight with reality, I suffer. The only thing making me suffer....is the BELIEF that my children should be treating me a certain way. When I LET GO of that belief, I'm okay. I make peace with reality.
Higher Power brings to me what I need. Sometimes I get mad because I think God is wrong!!!! I think that I know better!!!! My sponsor tells me to pray... NOT with my hands together, but with my hands OPEN.... to let God take what must be taken.... and to bring to me what I need.
Once I helped an elderly couple take care of their "Peaceable Kingdom," an assortment of barnyard pets. I will never forget the day I went to the farm...I didn't know where else to go....I was in complete grief over my daughter. I was crying hysterically over a nasty arguement we had. Suddenly, Bronco (one of the 5 donkeys,) stopped eating his fresh hay and walked over to stand next to me. He pressed his body against me. And I knew he was comforting me. I fell to my knees and wrapped my arms around him, crying so hard. He just stood there, letting me. Only when I stood up and thanked him, did he walk back to the hay to join the others. I am soooo grateful for that day! It was the beginning of a new awakening in me.
I pray that you are able to see the Blessings surrounding you today....your animals... this loving fellowship... or maybe something else. My experience is, there is something else HP wants us to see...
((((hugs))))
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I am taking everyones sharing very seriously, reading them all over and over. it is what is making me not fall completely apart.
the reminders of hp and alanon skills are priceless, the sharing your own experiences,makes me feel better too.
My hp is number one in my life. I am totally connected to him.i always feel him hanging on to me tight. got another email from daughter.was still inappropriate.
Have not heard from son. Have learned they both blame me for their fathers.rainis died got drunk and killed, macs is an A,was not around , has pts,mpd.
Strange how the A disease can continue to tear ya apart when ya did not live with the A's for many many years past.
Had to lay down almost all day. there is a flu party going wild in my colon.
my new siamesy kitten curtain climber is the rastiest, busiest kid i have ever known He beats up everyone.so i lay here as he and my tavish basset play, and then fall asleep together. kitten is ten weeks.
anyway will answer you guys separately as soon as I can. just feel pretty rough.
this is when i don't want to be alone. but am ok, and yes the animals always help me.wish I could bring in elgin my now fat boy horse. I related to the donkey post. animals do know emotional pain. they do comfort.
love,debilyn hoping this flu party in my tummy would all go home
Debilyn, Glad you posted, I have been thinking of you. I'm so sorry about the flu bug. (((hugs)))
Just wanted to share... I have a sister who is a professional counselor...She always advises me to watch what I'm telling myself. I am grateful when she catches me saying negative things... things I tell myself that are not supportive whatsoever.
For example, "...it is what is making me not fall completely apart."
I have a habit of saying this too, that I am "falling apart." My sister advises me to say something like this instead, "I am holding it together." Big difference! This helps me so much. I'm telling myself that I am strong. She believes the body will respond to what the mind is believing....that our cells are listening.... that is the connection of mind and body. Hope this helps you too.
Also, I want to share.... In my daily reader today, I was reminded again to pray with praise... Especially to drive out fear, depression and despair. PRAISE!! ...acknowledging the gifts and blessings... which then attracts EVEN MORE to a thankful heart.
Get well soon... Take gentle care... You are sooo loved!!!
((((hugs))))
-- Edited by glad lee at 08:46, 2008-06-03
-- Edited by glad lee at 08:47, 2008-06-03
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I haven't posted on the board for a while, but I can so relate to the dysfunction and heartbreak that plagues so many alcoholic families.
I can also relate to how my animals (dogs/cats/bird) have been my "lifesavers." They listen to me when I talk, lick my face when I cry, and when I tell them that I seem to beat to a different drummer than other people, they don't care. They accept me and love me like I am as I do them.
My adult children try to change me - into what or who, I'm not sure. They want me to accept them as they are -- and I have -- but they don't want to accept me as I am!
Let go and let God has helped me a lot. Helping others - I work with abused and neglected children - has really helped me. When I give to them, I'm giving to my inner child as well.
It's so good to have a board like this that we can vent on when we need to. Many times just reading the posts lifts me up. We're never alone.
Oh, Deb, it's no lie that those who are closest to us know EXACTLY how to hurt us. Why do they??? To make themselves feel better, to make us out the bad guy cos they can't accept that some of their failings might just be their own fault? Wish I knew the answer to that. Eat soothing food. I too get the tummy troubles when I am stressed. It is then that I like soft pudding cups, or better yet, homemade baked custard YUM. Not hardly home enough to cook anymore tho, and all the fast food stuff is taking a toll on my health. When I get my apartment, I plan on focusing on myself more. At least I can go home and shut out all the confusion and hatred, yelling that I live with now. It is going to be rough until I get used to living alone, paying all my own bills again. But I've done it before, I can do it again. I raised my daughter mostly by myself.
As far as you venting here.....go for it girl! That is why we are here! Sometimes I vent and type so fast my mind can't even keep up with my fingers. The pain flows out of my finger tips onto the keyboard, and then up into the monitor.
AH took the computer from my home, another one of his control tactics. So now I go to the library, but one day soon, I shall have my own home, my own computer, and he can't do any of the crappy mean things he does to me anymore. (And then turn around the next day and say he loves me. Yeah, whatever."
Keep holding on tight to HP, you will be safe. HP will not let you down. Will keep you in my prayers, Deb.
