can someone who qualified as an "A" before ever drink "normally" - Al-Anon Family Group

szeyamo · Member

can someone who qualified as an "A" before ever drink "normally"

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

" can someone who qualified as an "A" before ever drink "normally" " -szeyamo

In my humble opinion "no". Once an addict/alcohloic, always an A. Each individual has to determine that for themselves & since denial & lying to the self is the 'keystone' or ahcilles heel of the disease lots of them believe they have no problem.

"Now it is more than I am comfortable with" - szeyamo

It is very powerful that you already 'know' what some of your boundaires/deal breakers are. Never threaten something & not follow through with an A ( I wouldn't do it with a canine or a child either).

All I can do is share my ESH (experience, stength hope).

"take what you like & leave the rest." -alanon lit

shadow1 · Senior Member

In my opinion, once an alcoholic always an alcoholic. From what i know about the disease they will start to drink and think they have it under control but it is a progressive disease and it will probably progress with him too.

My AH (alcoholic husband) didn't drink for years and i didn't know why. When we moved into our house he would have the odd beer. It went on for almost 5 years of having the odd drink then; almost over night he was at the point of not being able to go a day without a drink.

Please check out an Alanon meeting in your area. It is for people that are affected by someone elses drinking and it sounds like his drinking is affecting you.

Take care of you!

Yours in Recovery
Shadow

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Once an alocholic, always an alcoholic they say. Since alcoholism is a disease, and incureable, the only way to control it is to abstain from drinking. Your husband sounds like he has controled his drinking in the pass for long periods of time. You do have reason to be concerned, and also you need to realize you have no control over his drinking. There is nothing magic any of us can do to stop our Alocholic from drinking. We can get angry, hide bottles, pour out cans, scream at them, stomp, and beg. But, until the A decides to stop and hopefully get help there is nothing we can do. Since your H has attended A.A. in the past I'm sure he is aware of the pitfalls his drinking can cause. Hopefully he will realize that before his disease progresses. In the mean time you need to take care of you. That is what you will learn in Al-Anon. We have to take care of ourselves first. Read earlier post on this site, that will help you. There are online meeting here daily, check the home page for times. Also ckeck for a local Al-Anon meeting in your area. There you will find the help and friendship to deal with the problems Alcoholism can or is causing in your life. I hope you keep coming back here, and will go to a face to face Al-Anon meeting as soon as you can. RLC

Peggy7 · ~*Service Worker*~

NO

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Szeyamo))))),

Welcome to the MIP family. I do not believe that it is possible for an alcoholic to drink "normally". There is no normal in this disease. This is a disease. Alcoholism is progressive. Left untreated in can and does kill the addict.

Now unfortunately you can't make an addict stop. It has to be their choice. What you can do to make your life easier is to get to some face-to-face meetings. Learn about this disease and your role in it. None of this is your fault. But how you react to his drinking will depend on the tools you have. Alanon has saved my sanity many a time. Please keep coming back to us. Love and blessings to you and your family.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat

-- Edited by Karilynn at 08:11, 2008-06-01

david62 · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome, Szeyamo

It is hard to say whether your husband can control his drinking or not. If he came from a family of alcoholics, like I did, perhaps his fear of becoming like them drove him to AA meetings when he was younger...I say this because I myself was always very fearful of how alcohol would affect me. Though I drank, I "liked it too much" and that scared me, though I do not have a problem with being able to have a drink or two today. Perhaps not in your husbands case. Maybe he was there because he needed to be. Only he knows the answer to that.

It is not for us to say whether or not someone else has a drinking problem....sure we CAN say it...but it means nothing to the other person until THEY say it.

What is absolutely for certain is that the drinking bothers you! And that is why you have come to exactly the right place. Al-anon is for you. For someone affected by the someone else's drinking. And from what you say, you ARE being affected by it.

Please keep coming back. Like the others, I would recommend you find a local meeting to attend.

Yours in Recovery,
David

Tenderheartsks · ~*Service Worker*~

Having been on both sides of the fence, I also agree, once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. My ex never was able to control his drinking.

After four years in AA myself, I decided I'd try to be a social drinker, and that failed miserably.

I have seen those who have returned to drinking, and although they appear to have some semblance of control for a period of time, it never lasts long.

Just my two cents worth!

szeyamo · Member

Thanks everybody who replied. It's not what I wanted to hear but in my heart, I know it is true.

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

I would have to say no but there's no telling if he was actually an Alcoholic or just drank a lot in his younger days. I drank a lot when I was younger, I'm not an alcoholic. I probably deserved many dui's just never got caught. I think the important point here is you can't control whether he drinks or not anyway. The only thing you can control is you and if it was me I'd say I don't like being around you when you drink so if you're going to do it please do it when I'm not with you. However, you do say he is drinking responsibly right now so it seems you are putting the cart before the horse and worrying about what "might" happen rather than watching and seeing what does happen. If it gets to the point that you feel it is out of control then you can set boundaries for yourself but still he has to make his own choices.

Phebe · Member

I'm not an angel myself. And, I'm new to this Al-Anon. But- being in the music biz my whole life, I've been riding herd on drunks and drugs my whole career even when I was the kid! The difference as I understand it is I can drink a few drinks or too many drinks and pass out. But they "for heaven's sakes" can't stop until they've poisoned their whole body into a coma. But --trying to qualify someone is hopeless. More than one ole timer AA told me if they don't think they are drunks give 'em another $20 bucks and let 'em go. When they hit bottom, they'll be back. Its like me. I had to hit my bottom before I realized I was a big part of the problem too. Thats why I ran away, and, I'm here in this group thank God. But-if one is a Alki, it doesn't matter if they can socially control drinking or not. They need to work the steps. Which I'm having such a hard time doing myself. I've been around dudes and girls that have sworn off the #@%#@ for years and then one night, start with ONE drink and not stop until the sun came up! So, I believe the ole timers when they say an alki can never drink again. I've learned sooo much my very short few days here. One is the three C's. I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I certainly ain't going to cure it! Working on myself,however, I must say has already had a positive effect on my guys and biz partners. They know drinking a bottle of $@#@%^$%% crap isn't good. But- it isn't about the liquid. It's about their (our's too) our "character flaws." But- we don't have to be a doormat either. And, it took me a long -long time to realize it. But- looking back, I see I encouraged it too. I don't think its fair for me to social drink around my alkis. Maybe just work on yourself but don't be a doormat driving drunks here and there either. I don't know. I'm just praying which I don't even know how to do --that we all get better. And, you and your husband too! ---sincerely - in your corner, root'n for ya! Phebe

szeyamo · Member

Phebe wrote:

But if one is an Alki, it doesn't matter if they can socially control drinking or not.

I don't mean to sound dumb but can someone elaborate on this comment? Aren't there some As who can have it remain at a certain level for their lifetime, having experienced the lows and having matured, etc. My husband says that during the times he lapsed into drinking it was due to great unhappiness earlier on in his life. Now we have a great life and a great marriage. That he can have a drink now is not due to any craving or urge -- just a guy wanting to have a beer now and then. Isn't that possible?

Just wondering. Not trying to be too naive.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

"But if one is an Alki, it doesn't matter if they can socially control drinking or not.&quothebe

"Aren't there some As who can have it remain at a certain level..." -szeyamo

Szeyamo,

IMHO, I think what Phebe means is that... it is literally true, it does not matter if an alcoholic can "control" drinking in public or not b/c they will be compulsively out of control later. Also... an A lives in denial & they loathe themselves. They may think they 'have it all in the bag' and can control themselves but this is a progressive disease which means, even if they go through a dry spell for months, even years... with one drink they pick up right where the demon of the disease left them off and start to become destroyed, degenerated all over again, like they never quit.

And like you said, it may appear to be at a certain level for a while, because it goes in incriments. Plus the more you confront them, the better at lying they become. They are Master Manipulators, psychic & emotional vampires. I've heard addicts say, if you confornt themn, they may tell you some piece of the truth 1/4 or less. They will tell you a little of the truth as possible because they have worked hard and learning how to manipulate so, so they can go off and do what ever they want. What they always want to do... injest their drug of choice.

It is a compulsivity with them & that is their disease.

Some people abuse & drink to excess & stop. Most of us do that in our youth. We aren't caught in the trap of not having freedom of choice & will power. That is why it is so hard for a non-addict to accept that this IS a disease, most people can have one drink & not think about it (obsess) at all anymore over it.

They don't love themselves, so if you love them, they think you must really be pathetic & unworthy, it's sabatoge. They don't believe you love them, so they don't love you, revenge in advance.

I hope that makes sense.

The beauty of understanding them is that, we can learn to no longer be manipulated by setting boundaries, being aware of the behaviors ~most especially our's first but also theirs... all relationships are a two-way street and all relationships are negotions of power.

Also when we make changes, it effects others, the ripple effect. I've heard many stories where a spouse of an addict or alcoholic will discover al-anon, stop policing & worrying about their A, stop covering up and fixing things... living their own life.

The A suffers a few consequences & finds life is easier & better in sobriety and seek it out all on their own. That is the only way things work anyway... we all end up doing what we want. For me it is a matter of integrity, I don't lie, I own up to my own responsibilities, follow through and do what I say and no one can take that away from me.

love, -kitty

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

I'll go with the crowd here - if he actually is an alcoholic, then no he cannot drink normally. However, he may not be an alcoholic. He may be a person who drank heavily, was scared by it, and joined AA, but never actually an A.

Alcoholism is a real disease. It has spiritual, mental and emotional aspects, but it is also very much a physical illness, just as much as diabetes, say. You can decide to call yourself a diabetic, and eat a diabetic diet, (and feel better for it) but unless you actually have a diseased pancreas, you are not actually a diabetic and won't kill yourself if you stop with the regimen.

So, is your husband an A? Who knows, not me. From the point of view of alanon, it doesn't matter, anyway, because YOU are a person who has trouble with someone else's drinking, and this is the place for you to get some help.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Well I would turn it back on you actually. If someone around me is drinking and I become obsessed with their behavior I am in deep trouble. I have to really live eat breathe the three C's. When I am so into controlling other people my own self control goes awol.

Clearly this is a huge issue for me. When I was confronted with a red flag by my ex A I acted in much the same way, obsession. I did set limits on that I would not go out with him when he was drinking and then promptly stopped gong out myself.

I worried, obsessed, worried some more and obsessed some more about the A. He minimized, lied, raged and lied some more. I got nowhere, well actually I got very very very ill with codependence.

So I would say never mind about him for the time being. If you are obseeing you need to take care of you. What can you do to detach? What can you do to get back on track. Your life is not just your husband's behavior (how hard that is to say). When I'm in hypervigilance I am so in trouble. The more I do nothing rather than try to interrupt someone acting out the better it is for me.

This week I had a boss (who certainly has alcohol issues) call me 4 times in one night complaining about her lot. I have absolutely no doubt she was drunk. Having some program under my belt I charged her for my time. I would never have done that before. I would have been in total victim for a long time. I charged her and I doubt she will call me again. I also told the company that they'll have to pay the cell phone charge. Tmorrow I get to take four hours off for an interview because I put my foot down.

Setting boundaries on ourselves is so so key. If you think your husband is drinking, refuse to let him drive. Preserve yourself, set consequences. Don't argue. Alcoholics love to argue. I second guessed the A's "using"for years, he hid it, flaunted it, hid it, flaunted it. When I started to live my own life it was phenomaneal how things changed for me. Nothing but nothing changed for him and really I would have done anything I could to make it change but I could not do that but my life changed. For once it did not live, sleep, breathe around his issues.

Step back, regroup, detach, refocus. Set limits. There is no point obsessing if he is or isn't. You have no control over when he drinks, how he drinks, whether he is or he isn't. You do have control over you and I know for sure where obsessing got me, deeply depressed, isolated and penniless.

Maresie.

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