The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Willpower is not the key to the way of life we are seeking. Surrender is.
"I have spent much of my life trying to make people be, do, or feel something they aren't, don't want to do, and choose not to feel. I have made them, and myself, crazy in that process," said one recovering woman.
I spent my childhood trying to make an alcoholic father who didn't love himself be a normal person who loved me. I then married an alcoholic and spent a decade trying to make him stop drinking.
I have spent years trying to make emotionally unavailable people be emotionally present for me. I have spent even more years trying to make family members, who are content feeling miserable, happy.
What I'm saying is this: I've spent much of my life desperately and vainly trying to do the impossible and feeling like a failure when I couldn't. It's been like planting corn and trying to make the seeds grow peas. Won't work!
By surrendering to powerlessness, I gain the presence of mind to stop wasting my time and energy trying to change and control that which I cannot change and control. It gives me permission to stop trying to do the impossible and focus on what is possible: being who I am, loving myself, feeling what I feel, and doing what I want to do with my life.
In recovery, we learn to stop fighting lions, simply because we cannot win. We also learn that the more we are focused on controlling and changing others, the more unmanageable our life becomes. The more we focus on living our own life, the more we have a life to live, and the more manageable our life will become.
Today, I will accept powerlessness where I have no power to change things, and I'll allow my life to become manageable.
Since my divorce in March, the house is still on the market. It is where I am still living. It is an enormous task to take care of it myself and hold a job. He said he would help. Yea, right.
However, I got all worked up over it this week. Last weekend, he found time to fish with his drinking buddies, but not help mow the lawn or patch the hole in the wall and hang the doorbell like he said he would... Why am I surprised? Why did I make a call to him and expect a reasonable response??
I appreciate your post. Indeed, I am powerless.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I agree with you that Melody B is the best. It is easy to remember things like stop fighting lions, we can't win and stop planting corn to get peas, won't work.
I love the line too about trying to change folks who are content being miserable - hard to believe & accept at first but it is true.
Stop wasting my time and energy to do the impossible of changing others or controlling others is right where I am. I am working on not worrying about things, let go & let God. I'm finding more time for me and not so emotionally exhausted either.
Then I can focus on having a life worth living. Sounds tempting, I wonder what it will be & what it could feel like.......hmmmm. Can't wait to see. Thanks for sharing this. hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
My all time favorite in Melody's daily reader is May 13 which deals with Property Lines. My sponsor has me read it daily.
The Language of Letting Go Daily Reader By Melody Beattie May 13 Property Lines
A helpful tool in our recovery, especially in the behavior we call detachment, is learning to identify who owns what. Then we let each person own and posses his or her rightful property.
If another person has an addiction, a problem, a feeling, or a self-defeating behavior, that is their property, not ours. If someone is a martyr, immersed in negativity, controlling, or manipulative, that is their issue, not ours.
If someone has acted and experienced a particular consequence, both the behavior and the consequence belong to that person.
If someone is in denial or cannot think clearly on a particular issue, that confusion belongs to him or her.
If someone has a limited or impaired ability to love or care, that is his or her property, not ours. If someone has no approval or nurturing to give away, that is that persons property.
Peoples lies, deceptions, tricks, manipulations, abusive behaviors, inappropriate behaviors, cheating behaviors, and tacky behaviors belong to them too. Not us.
Peoples hopes and dreams are their property. Their guilt belongs to them too. Their happiness or misery is also theirs. So are their beliefs and messages.
If some people dont like themselves, that is their choice. Other peoples choices are their property, not ours.
What people choose to say and do is their business.
What is our property? Our property includes our behaviors, problems, feelings, happiness, misery, choices, and messages; our ability to love, care, and nurture; our thoughts, our denial, our hopes and dreams for ourselves. Whether we allow ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, deceived, or mistreated is our business.
In recovery, we learn an appropriate sense of ownership. If something isnt ours, we dont take it. If we take it, we learn to give it back. Let other people have their property, and learn to own and take good care of whats ours.
Today, I will work at developing a clear sense of what belongs to me, and what doesnt. If its not mine, I wont keep it. I will deal with myself, my issues, and my responsibilities. I will take my hands off what is not mine.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
What a great thread and reminders I need daily... truly, if I am not focused on living my life I am doing the "insanity."
My ability to surrender is in direct proportion to my serenity. Since I am powerless over everything but myself, what I think of me has to be the most important thing.
Wow, the notion of actually living for myself, and enjoying my life, what a concept! ;)
Thanks Jean, cyber hugs
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
