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I wanted to start a new post because I don't want to interrupt someone else's. I hope I get some response, as I'm new to this. I fell in love with an A and I'm struggling. It was his alcoholic grandfather he looked up to, and his own father who was strictly religious and non-alcoholic but very abusive.
He is a wonderful man...when he is sober. I've never felt so loved...when he is sober. He thinks the world of me...when he is sober.
Myself the adult child of an alcoholic, should know better. I've been dealing with this for 2 years 8 months now. At first I blamed myself because I had emotions after going through a divorce before meeting him...and felt I was still dealing with those issues. But the only thing that has helped...and it's been only this year that it has been somewhat better...is deciding that when he does this and it makes me feel uncomfortable, is politely excusing myself saying, "I love you, but I'm uncomfortable when this happens" and finding something else to occupy my time until we cool off and can talk.
However, I still get blind-sided at tmes. It happened yesterday. I did not realize, until I was leaving due to an argument, that he had downed 1/2 of a 1.75L bottle of bourbon before I got to his house (with my two boys in tow). Ten minutes after arriving, I found myself leaving feeling sick and shaking, after his angry tones and harsh words and his having a problem with what I said in response to one of his hypothetical "what ifs". I said I was planning to stay the night, if he had no problem with it. Apparently he thought I stated it incorrectly. So when he said what if he did have a problem with it, I said "then I would leave". I said so because whenever he is angry and tells me to leave, he says I should always "respect his wishes" and leave. He has gotten VERY angry before when I did not leave as soon as he told me to (not a nice picture). And when he gets like this, and says to leave or he demands I leave, he often threatens that it will be "forever" if I do leave (like yesterday).
So I tried to explain to him (before realizing how drunk he was) that now I am confused and please help me to understand because he asked me what I would do if he had a problem with me staying, and I told him I would leave (like he always wants me to do out of respect)...and now he is angry that I said I would leave! So, of course, I could not stay and subject my boys to what was happening. And now that I had to leave, he has not conetacted me. The last time this happened I stayed gone for about a week. I wasn't sure what to do. Then when I went to his house, he said it was "too late" and we were over because I "took too long to come back"!
He always expects me to come back, or be the one to reach out, regardless of what occurred to cause the problem. I have a horrible feeling in my gut that this is another of those times that if I don't reach out, he will say it's over. And then I wonder if it should be. I feel so helpless because I love him so much. And I know...and his parents tell me always...that he does love me dearly. Actually, he says the same...when he's sober. He says he's never even known love like this and it scares him.
But I'm scared! I don't it want to be over because when he is sober, it is so wonderful. But I don't want to feel like a doormat. Oh, and feelings are taboo. For some reason, when I feel hurt, it really angers him. He says it's because he doesn't like to see me hurt or cry. But why anger?
I really need some advice. How do I let him go? Is it true that if he loves me so much that he will realize it and figure things out...even if it takes a long time? Or does alcohol win? Does he really not love me like he says and the truth is what he speaks when he's been drinking? If so, how could he ever say he loves me, even when he is sober?
I really need help. This hurts so badly, and I feel like a mess.....
I can only base my comments on my experience with alcoholism (22 yrs). First, Alanons goal is to help you to take care of yourself the best way you can manage. This means that the decisions you make in the relationship are your own based on what you think is best for you. No one here will tell you what to do.
What I see is that he is controlling and manipulative, which is very common with alcoholics. Their lives are out of control so they attempt to control yours. By telling you to leave then making your fault because you didn't come back to him in his unspecified time frame is part of the insanity of the disease. When you participate in the madness it becomes your insanity. How you deal with it sets the tone. You can run around this same mountain forever, allowing it to happen over and over, or you can set some personal boundaries for yourself. Boundaries are put in place for your protection, not to control him. They do however control how he is able to affect you.
What I see is a pattern. He tells you to leave, you leave, then he's mad because you leave or mad because you didn't come back in time. He puts all the blame on you and takes the focus off of him and what he's doing to you. I would suggest you step back and take a long look at these manipulation tactics. We so easily get sucked in to the insanity and find ourselves in a place that is a no win. In Alanon we discover we do have choices. We can choose to do what is best for ourselves and jump off the merry-go-round. When we do this we make the alcoholic responsible for his own words and actions. We can decide to longer participate in the head game. This doesn't mean leave the relationship. It just means, for example, when he says that you didn't come back soon enough you might say "you told me to leave, I assumed you meant it". Put the responsibility for those words back where they belong.
Keep coming back, Take care of you, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
The truth is, both. He loves you, AND sometimes alcohol is stronger. It's a package deal. Alcoholism is an insidious, mind-messing disease - even in AA they call it "cunning, baffling and powerful".
Someday he might realize he can't beat the alcohol, and be willing to surrender and ask for help. Even if he does, he'll still have the disease - they say, it's alcohol"ism", not alcohol"wasm". Maybe he'll never get to that point.
The question for YOU is - is this something you can live with? Alanon can be a huge help in working this out - I would suggest getting to a face to face meeting in your are - it's so amazing to really relate to other people when they talk about this stuff. Your life can be better, regardless of what happens with him. Alanon is for anybody who is or has ever been affected by someone else's drinking. Welcome.
Well, I hope I did the right thing today. He finally text messaged me (he "hates" talking on the phone). He said good morning and asked if I was speaking to him yet. I could not think of a thing to say back.
So after a while, I wrote back and said, "I don't know what to say. I need time to think things over." I hope I was clear and not offending to him.
I'm struggling with him yelling at me so much, too. It has always been something I don't like, and have expressed to him on many occassions. He says he is "just being emphatic." He actually told me the other day that he has only yelled at me about 3 times since we've been dating! It's wearing on me and my feelings for him. I know he also hates when I have feelings or emotion; but I am a woman, and those are paramount to having feelings *for* him! I'm not sure if he will ever understand that. I need him to quit yelling at me. That's the quickest way to bring me to tears.
Thank you all for your advice and understanding. I am going to try to find a face-to-face meeting here that I can go to. At work would have just been easier due to logistics and time (I could go to a lunch meeting). I guess that's the downfall of working at the same place, that I don't want to mar his reputation.
BTW...it seems that my post posted twice, so I have two threads going. I guess I will post this to both thrads (if it doesn't do it on it's own, automatically).
