The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I find myself always questioning my responses to my AH. Rarely do I know if I do it "right". Thus, I find the need to bounce it off here, thinking each episode is a learning experience.
We are getting a significant tax return. First time ever and a true blessing. My AH decided he would keep the state return and give me the fed, which is 5x the state amount. I decided not to argue, although he is living off his and I am rationing mine out in hopes of using it to affect my future and make my life more manageable. Anyhow, I have a huge list of what I need to use it for, including paying off a credit card, painting the house outside and hopefully inside too, and do a bit of landscaping so we can sell our house. My son needs his wisdom teeth pulled and braces, and then there are attorney fees... the list goes on and on and he has no idea.
Anyhow, my AH said this morning that although it is my money to do as I please, I should consider sending our kids out of state to spend the 4th of July with his brother's family. Just plane tickets, probably around $1000. We did this last year and it ended up being a great gift for the kids (they needed to get away) but that is one of the charges on the credit card I need to pay off.
It would be wonderful for the kids and help me while I work, but frankly I think that it is not a good use of the money. Instead of saying that, I told him other cousins were coming to visit during that time. I said they were coming the 6th of July, but think its really the 8th. He said something about getting the kids home by then and I just didn't answer.
Why couldn't I just be honest and tell him I didn't want to use the money in that way? I know why. I don't want him to get mad. Brings me back to him feeling I never agree with him. Or, insinuates that he cares more for the kids than I do. The latter is absolutely ridiculous, but still enters my mind. Should I have been honest or is it okay to give an "excuse" that works? I think my problem arises in my approach and the way I say things. How can I say it? I would love your input, for I am sure the subject will be broached again.
Thanks, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I have problems with money decisions too. Or rather - I'm always saving, rationing, budgeting, being, in fact, responsible with my money. Hubby on the other hand tends to think that unless he has money to be frivolous with, he isn't "getting ahead", and that money is to be spent, never mind the bill that's coming up next month. In some ways, it's good when I have insisted on saving money - it paid the mortgage for 6 months after his oui. On the other hand, I think he was right when he said something like, aren't you worth it?, asking why I never treated myself. That's when I started buying myself a cool CD every so often. Note, not a huge expense, but still a treat. Now, I think it kinda falls into the alanon idea of doing something nice for myself - also a worthy goal.
For some reason I have in mind a story I heard some time ago about a family that would scrimp and save all year, and then in the winter the whole family would go skiing. When the kids grew up, they said to their parents, thanks for those great ski trips. The parents had sometimes thought, you know, we should have put in a second bathroom instead - something we could have used every day. But they realized they would probably never have heard, "Gee, thanks for the great second bathroom."
I have no idea how relevant any of this will be to you, but it's what I thought of when I read your post.
Lou, I never wanted to get him mad either. I would wear a straightjacket around him, sometimes just completely shut down and go silent because everything I did made him mad. I could never win. I needed to get away and get out of that marriage. i could no longer tolerate being/living with someone who would always blame me for their anger. I also needed to learn that it was impossible for me to make any one angry. we make ourselves angry. We cannot make anyone happy, either. We can only focus on ourselves and work on dealing with our own anger and happiness, etc.
I no longer think that I have any control over what other people think of me. if they think badly of me, that is their gig and if they want to work it out with me, I am happy to try to sort it out. I need to spend as much time in places that feel good and with people that feel good.
I do not know if this helps. But when we talk about not wanting to make someone mad, its really about us thinking we can somehow manipulate someone. This is stinking thinking, in my opinion. Be yourself. Figure that out and be that. Let the cards fall where they may. HP is right there beside you supporting you in this. Hugs, J.
For me, this type of thinking is tied up with needing to be right. As long as I protect myself by not saying what I really think, I don't have to defend that viewpoint. It's so much easier to be right in my own head, instead of in open debate, where the other person (yes, even the A!) could have another, valid, point of view.
Often, in the past, I allowed other people, especially my A, to manipulate me into things against my better judegment. In response, I learned not to bring things up, not to give my real reasons, not to be honest in conflict. Trouble is, this is as bad, in its way, as being manipulated. The real goal is to be steadfast when I am right, and flexible when I might be wrong. This is, of course, much harder than just avoiding conflict. It means I actually have to have good reasons for my actions, rather than just reacting and using emotion rather than thought. It means actually knowing my own mind, and trusting my own judgement. Not easy.
In your case, this probably means examining your motives. What parts of your plan are based on doing what is best for you and your kids, and what parts are aimed at scoring points against your A?
I don't know Lou. I think that if he still has the attitude that you never agree with him then avoiding a confrontation is an issue. Why invite an argument you know you can't win? Don't get me wrong, I think a lie is a lie and not a good idea, but maybe it's just none of his business how you spend the money. If he's looking for credit for being a good guy for "giving" you the bigger amount then it pretty much negates that if he intends to tell you how to use it.
Jean is right. I cannot make someone else mad. If they choose to be mad, I can choose to engage or not. I have the option of hanging up the phone, leave, etc. They will find out that I will not be responsible for their anger and eventually learn to control their outbursts or I will not interact with them.
Anyway, Im not sure how else to handle it. He doesn't sound healthy enough to have a discussion about all the stuff you mentioned that is owed already. Sometimes you just can't win. Especially if you are like me and always come back to feeling guilty for taking it anyway, like I don't deserve a break once in awhile, financially or otherwise.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
As I read your post, it made total sense to me why you would be afraid to raise this with your X. Everything you want to spend the money on, is a necessity and seems directly related to the reality of an impending divorce. Given that, it seem likely that any honest discussion might have led to an emotionally charged conversation with him, so it makes sense that you would want to avoid that/be afraid of that/ worry that it would lead to more anger. And, if he is angry, maybe he would rescind his offer to give you the federal return?
What helps me, and what comes to mind here, is to rely on the traditions of the Alanon program. When I stand on the traditions, I feel less afraid, more confident, and more able to stand my ground. Two traditions come to mind with this dilemma: tradition 1--our common welfare should come first, personal progress depends upon unity and tradition 7--(can't remember exact wording) but groups should not rely on outside contributions. In this case, it seems like the common welfare of your family depends on using this money responsibly and not for "wants" because of the financial situation you're in with the divorce. Maybe your A has a point about using some of the money for fun--I don't know--but perhaps it needs to be done in a way that doesn't jeopardize the common welfare for the family (I am defining family here as you and the kids since you'll be divorcing)--maybe doing something nice with the kids for $100 rather than $1,000 would be an option. ( Just FYI, I never feel like I have to come to unity with someone or force them into unity with me, it simply helps me to see that we may not be in unity and therefore I have a right to choose for the common welfare.) In terms of tradition 7, it seems that you are on the right track of wanting to pay down the credit card (since, in a way, a credit card is an outside contribution).
I have offered one interpretation and application of the traditions to your experience. However, you know your experience best. I would encourage you to read Pathways to Recovery simply because it explains each step and tradition so well and gives member's ES&H. What helps me is to read through them and reflect on my specific dilemma and situation--I always get some answers and can then make decisions based on principles, not personalities .
I gto so fed up witht he A always wanting me to splurge on what he wanted. I am so glad to be away from that. Whenever I got any money he wanted me to buy something that he wanted! When I did then he didn't like it.
I spent so much money fixing him up with a place to live in temporarily last summer. Then he destroyed it all by smashing up the truck. He didn't take reponsibility for anything ever!
I can understand you did not want to argue. I think not arguing was so key for me. I know when I was leaving the A last year he set up so much stuff to argue about. He'd have these huge tantrums and then I would say nothing it was so powerful for me. I think as long as they are drinking there is not much of a discussion they are so far off in left field with their stuff.
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