The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am awaiting to go for further surgery on my back after this coming weekend. Each time I hope it will be the last time. Each time, it has proved not to be the case SO FAR.
However, I realise that, physical health goes hand in hand with mental health. WOW, did I mention the dreaded word MENTAL health?
Just as I have to go to the doctor for my physical health, I realise that I have to go to the right personal expert for mental health too. And here is where I am making a greater distinction.
I am not referring to the clinical mental health, I am referring to the psycological mental health that has been pushed to the limit as a result of living for years with alcoholism and its attendant problems.
Here, I recognise that I have a fragility that takes even longer to heal than the broken bones I sustained in my arms and legs. And this is when I begin to wonder if I will ever be completely healthy again.
As I work this programme and delve into the past and seek to build a new life with new and healthy thought processes and perceptions, I realise that I am dealing with things that have not only injured me, but that have come down from previous generations and have affected others before me in my family and that are still affecting members of my family today and for possibly the next two or three [or even more] generations.
So, when I do stop and consider the state of my mental health and the psycological damage that has been done during my own lifetime I wonder if I will ever be able to say, "Hey, everybody, I am cured. I am healthy. I am no longer sick." as I might if I got over a serious 'bout of flu or pneumonia?
Am I being unrealistic to think that I might just one day awake and feel that I am fully recovered and cured of the affects of living with and being affected by the disease of alcoholism?
How I long for recovery. How I strife to understand the affects it has had on my life. How I ache to feel that I have won the war and not just the current battle in this utterly devastating disease.
Guess this is why, ONE DAY AT A TIME is the best way for me to go.
Just for today I will look at the success that I have accomplished during the last 24 hours and take it from there.
Suzannah
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
I know a lot of people who consider themselves mentally healthy who aren't. I believe a life reflected upon is indeed a healthy life. I know very few people who reflect, work on themselves and keep at it. For that I think is a sign of real health. Many many many people live in denial you can't say you do that. That in itself is a sign of tremendous health. My whole extended family live eat sleep denial.
I have wondered that myself. I wonder why I have put so much time into recovery ie meetings, books, MIP, talking to my sponsor and so on. When will it end? Don't get me wrong I love my recovery because I have found answers to my problems and sometimes peace and serenity. But I didn't know this is for life. You will always be an ACOA or a wife on an alcoholic - sober or not; married or not. So I guess it is just our lot in life. I think that there will be more levels to what we call recovery. Maybe getting to know ourselves more and more and being more spiritual.
I'm not sure the issue is finding myself cured. In this program I am learning skills that I never learned as I grew up. I am also learning to curb survival skills that over years became so ingrained that they became the norm and detrimental to my well being. There are unhealthy people all over the place to deal with, not just A's either.
I see this program as a perpetual thing for the rest of my life. Maybe not as the lifeline it has been as a newcomer, but I think my life with this program will evolve to one of regular maintainance of keeping in touch with myself and my HP in the process of giving back as I help walk newcomers into recovery as was done for me. I do know from watching other longtimers in the program that there will probably never be a time in my life when I will not be tempted to extremes of the past. Just as the A cannot afford to become complacent because there is always in life going to be unhealthy situations that will temp them to a relapse. The thing I have to be most careful of is the thinking in my own head that I am better than others, or am all better and don't need this anymore.
I heard a long timer in one of my groups a few weeks ago say that she had all her character defects taken care of sinse she has been in the program for almost 30 years. It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. She has been through a lot this last year and at the moment is the craziest one in the room, but the only one who can't see it is her. (Don't worry, I'm not taking inventories here that are not mine. I know it's not my business, it's hers.) Hopefully she will work her program and get a grip again. There may be a time in the future, that I will be in the same place.
Anyway, I don't know where I'm going with this, but maybe it's best as you said to not worry about the future. The future will take care of itself.
(((((Suzannah)))))
Love in recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
My soul has been scarred. It is healing but the scar will always be there. And that is as it should be. I have lived thru hell and that I have a scar to remind me is ok. It doesn't have to always hurt. I don't pick at it anymore (ew!) But I must never forget. To forget would be disrespectful and very scary.
I doubt I will ever be completely mentally healthy again in the way I once was (if I ever really was....) But me and my scarred soul will go on to live this beautiful life.
I have struggled with this whole "when will I be better" question as well.... I used to think the answer was "when my wife stopped drinking"... then it was "when I divorced her".... Well, both of those things happened, but here I am....
I tend to use longer, as opposed to shorter (i.e. ODAT) timeframe when looking at how I am doing.... If I open my perspective to where I was ten or five years ago, I can definitely recognize progress....
I'm not entirely sure that we ever reach a point of "being better", as I guess it is more of a lifelong process.... and that's okay....
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
This program had taught me that I am OK as I am. HP is here with me. I am OK. As long as I stay in touch w/HP and myself, check in with myself, I am OK. Healed?! Naw- no one is perfect and no one is healed. No one is whole. We are all works in progress, not perfection. We all possess a singular beauty, a highly unique beauty. Even the most wretched among us has some amazingly beautiful aspect. We all carry the flame of a higher power inside of us. To begin to heal is to begin to see and feel this incredible flame. J.
