The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Many of you will know that I have had trouble saying NO, let alone saying it as a complete sentence.
I am practicing more each day and realise that by saying NO - as a complete sentence - I do not have to justify, explain, struggle with the 'reconsider this...' or ' well have to you thought ...'.
I answer quietly and firmly when asked, "Would you like to....blah, blah, blah...".
I pause, let it sink in and quietly and firmly say, " No thank you. It was good of you to ask, however, no thank you!"
If the person comes back with something else I simply repeat what I have already said and walk away, or hang up the phone. End of discussion, end of phone call...whatever.
Recognising what I NEED and what I WANT and stating my case quietly, simply and assertively is getting me places and NEVER leaves me feeling bad, or mean, or arm-twisted into something I do not need or want.
Guess the inventory of myself has again come up trumps. It has taught me to see me, hear me, listen to me, do what is best for me, and not allow myself to be manipulated.
SIGH...I just love that feeling of contentment.
No- IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE. Just today I practiced it on the cold caller I get this morning who carried on not even heeding my answer, "Excuse me please, I do not think you heard my answer, No thank you. Good bye." End of! No hassle, no manipulation, no frustrated me. Just a very satisfied and assertive me making sure the person got the message.
SIGH...wonderful, I could get used to this.
Suzannah
-- Edited by Suzannah at 10:04, 2008-05-22
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
How sweet that sounds, way to go!!! I will read your post and re-read it just to motivate myself to get that complete sentence out there. GOOD FOR YOU!
I love the expression "No. But thanks for asking!"
I use it on the kids all the time. They will say "Mom, can I have soda and chips for breakfast?" and I'll say "No. But thanks for asking!"
Or when my neighbor stops over for a playdate and my little one doesn't want to go play she says "No thank you. But thanks for asking!"
I don't have a problem saying no. I have a problem with other people's reaction when I say no. I am learning that their reaction is none of my business. They ask, I answer, end of discussion. If it means the end of the relationship then so be it. I do not have time for people who only want to use me.
But where my kids are concerned, I do try to say yes as much as possible. Because they are such good kids and their requests are usually very respectful and well thought out (they know their not getting chips and soda for breakfast, but I know some kids who would just help themselves and not even bother to ask.)
I also say "No. But ask me again some other time." Just to let the other person know that No is the answer today but some other day it might be yes. The timing might be the reason for the no.
NO really IS a complete sentence, and it's amazing how many people don't get that....
I think it was in a movie, but I remember seeing a hilarious version of this, when somebody asked: "what part of NO don't you understand... .is it the 'N', or the 'O'....."
T
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
It's so wonderful to hear this from you Suzannah. Makes me smile. I used to feel obligated to everyone in the world, but me. Now I'm more careful and actually think, before I answer. I am getting very good at refusing to justify and explain. I just don't feel the need to most times anymore. It feels good.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Good that you are learning NO is a complete sentence in your personal life! But personally even in my personal life I like to hear all the reasons the person is asking etc.
In defense of the "cold caller" they are taught to not accept the first 3 "no's" and some people DO not mean no the first few times. As a salesperson I see people who say NO and then when I accept it look shocked and come back with an offer to buy. Some people have trouble with NO when they need to say it, and some say it as as a defense.
So just a little off the subject but when a salesperson offers 3 reasons why you should buy after you say no they are not controling you they are verifying that you are certain of your answer. THey are telling you what the product can do for you, and they are making sure you are saying NO because you don't WANT it not because you are "scared" or concerned about something that may nto be, like price or them "tricking you" Some people just have defenses up toward all sales people? Some customers have even appeared offended when I didn't offer solutions to their NO. AS if to say wait a minute.. why don't you think I deserve your product...
So understand please... some people hate a salesperson until they sell them something they need, want or enjoy... then the salesperson is a friend who helped them. Just a non-alaon note about balance, point of view etc. Have a great day! Hear salespeople out it only takes a few minutes and you might miss a great deal. Then if they don't accept no- just walk away and understand they have bad training, bad product or service or bad attitude and they won't be a salesperson long anyway!
Sales people meet needs, "tricksters" are just that "tricksters".
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