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I am just needing to vent...... I am questioning myself as to when is enough enough??? My AH has gotten continually worse with his binge drinking over the past few months. He doesn't drink every day, he usually saves it for the weekend, which turns into a 2-3 day drinking fest. He will disappear "to the store" and not come home until the next day, when he is drunk and obnoxious. Or, he'll come home in the middle of the night and wake up myself and the kids by being very loud and annoying. If I tell him to please be quiet he gets very belligerent and starts in on me about how he "works so hard and needs to relax". Well, he doesn't seem too relaxed, lol! It's really wearing on me. I am exhausted by all of the drama. He gets the kids upset and they are feeling the stress. To make matters more stressful, I was diagnosed in March with Non Hodgkins Lymphoma. It is not an aggressive form, however, it has really thrown me for a loop. I am very stressed out and scared. The last thing I feel like I need is to have to constintly be on pins and needles with AH. We have been struggling financially for a while now. He was laid off a good paying job in January and we were living (barely) off unemployment. 3 weeks ago, he found a really good paying job doing the work he likes to do. Well, last night, he came home at about midnight, drunk. He left again at 2am and didn't come home til 11:00am. Needless to say, he didn't go to work and didn't even call in. My guess is that he lost that job! He had a bad attitude and was looking for a fight, which unfortunately, I got sucked into. It ended up with him locking me out of the house and he had my 4 yr old in the house with him. He was basically mad at me because I was mad about the situation. He was telling me that I need to leave and that he would get custody of the kids because I have cancer. He wouldn't let me in the house and I ended up calling the police. Nothing really came of it, other than they told him they thought it would be best for him to leave for a few hours to let things "cool off" and that he could not keep me out of the house. He did leave, and apparently went straight back to the bar. He showed up again at 9:00pm, drunk, again and was trying to pick a fight with me, which I did not take the bait this time. He is passed out on the floor at this time. I think he lost his job and I feel like I am screwed in this situation. I am not currently working, due to my health issues and having a 4 yr old at home...I have been home taking care of him. I have numerous doctor appts coming up and it has been difficult for me to look for a job at this time, until I find out more of what to expect with the Cancer. I feel financially stuck in the situation. I wish he would move out and we could get a separation, but he will not willingly do so. I have asked Social services and someone at the abuse shelter and they tell me because there is no Physical Abuse, it is hard for them to make him leave. I do not have the $$ to leave, nor a place to go. Are there any resources that anyone knows about? Do I go ahead and file separation papers, with him living in the house, and hope that they award me the house (we rent) and custody? Or do I have to take my kids to the shelter just to get away from him? It just seems so unfair that it should have to be me and the kids to leave. I'm sorry that this is so long, but it feels good just to get it off my chest. Thanks!
Please don't apologize for the long posting. Most of us here have such long stories that there never be enough room for them on the boards. Only by sharing our experiences can we recognize the reality of our problems, and start to tackle our problems. I think reaching out for help is so brave, and admitting that life is beyond our control is okay, and the first step to making our lives better.
You deserve a good life, and so do your children, and I hope you continue to have the courage to stand up for yourself in your situation and seek help. I do not know what you can do to make him leave, but hopefully other posters will have some ideas and resources for you.
I can tell you that when I read your story I wanted to reach out to you and let you know that someone else here on Earth hears you and understands you and is praying to a HP for you to be given all the strength you need to overcome this situation and protect your children.
First thing's first: you take care of YOU. You do what you need to do to take good care of your health. Like they tell you on the airlines, if the oxygen bags drop, you need to put yours on first before you assist another person with theirs - what good are you to the other person if you drop from lack of oxygen because you decided to help them first?
It's up to you to define how you can take care of yourself above all else. It can start as simple as taking things one day at a time (yet another slogan) and getting yourself to your doctor's appointments and practicing detachment from your AH in the interim. Or, it can be your physically separating yourself from the AH if it's just too hard to practice detachment... I really don't know. It's your life and your decision.
In Al-Anon, we try not to advise others on whether or not they should leave the A in their lives.
I do hope, too, that the answers will come to you. In the meantime, keep coming back, keep getting to face to face meetings when you can - if you don't have a sponsor, get one, and keep working the steps.
When my life first started "falling apart", I felt very alone, but it was rooted in shame and secrets. Now that my life is more out in the open, I am seeing all the people around me who are more than willing and able to help me.
Do you have any family or friends that you can talk to about your situation? Not carrying the load alone can help tremendously. Also, you may want to contact your local schools to see if there are any community agencies that can help you. Often they have a network of resources - medical, dental, emotional, legal, financial help.
I've also found that getting caught up in how it is all going to end up is fruitless, as we have no idea, and the outcome usually is completely different (and not as dire) than what we think. Instead, if each day you can just do what you need to do to face your immediate needs and move forward, it can be more manageable for you.
My thoughts are heart are with you. If you can get to some al-anon meetings in person, you can find help there too as many al-anoners have had similar struggles and can be a wealth of information.
Keep coming back here.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
That's how I feel about my 3 sons who are all grown and out of the house. What is strange in reading your post is that my AHsober left after our last sons graduated from HS. The way your A come and goes seems like the way my sober A comes and goes (he has been sober for over 20 years). I guess what I am saying is that it is the disease. I don't get why I was left with this life. I was devastated and anger. But like Lou says in the above post there are lots and lots of resources available if you ask. You take it one day at a time. The A's seem to be predictable and very unpredictable. Take care of yourself and your angels and try to block out what he is doing or not doing. Difficult I know but there is a better life for us.
I don't know where you live but it sounds like you are making a plan B. Plan B making is hard going but it is powerful stuff. What resources do you have available? Do you have community resources? I used some community resources in my plan b. I got help with rental assistance. Do you qualify for disability if so can you get it?
I saw a counselor when I was making a plan b, she helped me to look at the resources I needed.
Many of us have been right where you are, it is possible to move through this it is heartbreaking stuff but it is nevertheless possible to get traction and move out of it.
Can you get a legal referral to see what you can get in terms of child support etc.
The only thing I would urge you to do is not to tell the A that you are thinking of leaving. They do not do well with leaving. You do not have to tell him what you are thinking about. When I started to make a plan b things changed for me.
Firstly, Thanks for all of your responses! It helps to be able to talk about this. My family and friends do know about some of it, but sometimes it gets embarrasing to constantly complain. Alot of people don't really understand and tell me I should just leave. (easier said than done with 3 kids and no $$). I have been trying to make a plan B for awhile now. A few weeks ago I went in and applied for Section 8 rental assistance, without my AH on the application. I know there is a waiting list, but if my name comes up that would be the 1st step in getting out of the situation! I also just talked to my social worker today about working part-time. She told me I would qualify for daycare assistance so that's what I'm planning on doing for now. I can't realistically go full time right now with all the Dr appts I have going on, but at least I can start socking away some money. That in itself is a big relief! For now, I plan on just doing my own thing and kind of staying out of his way. He does work pretty long hours, so that makes it a little easier. The detaching has begone!! Thanks again for the support, it helps!
Good for you mmof3angels! Good work. It is not easy when you realize that things are seeming to go haywire. I have my own regrets for the way my Plan B worked out but I could not have known the outcome of it. But you just have to keep going and do the best you can do for YOU! I sent you a personal message, I don't if you go it or not. I think you have a wonderful Plan B going and things will probably come together better and better as time goes by. Good luck to you and your angels...
