The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For some reason today I feel very emotional. I have not heard from my sponsor for a while and my therapy is about to end. Money is huge for me. I have medication which is helping my asthma but no way to pay for it. I am stuck in many ways and in other ways moving forward with lots of options for myself when I had no options before. When I lived, ate slept the A I was emotional all the time and always felt vulnerable and totally overwhelmed, night and day for 7 years I endured that.
I have tried to meet people and not had that much luck as of yet. I am glad to have boundaries but boundaries mean I am very very limited in who I will date, socialize with and what I can do. Limits are good but limits are well limits. Limits are reality and I'm codependent and I don't do well with reality, fantasy yes, reality no.
I think I am also mourning the loss of a dream, of being rescued. Now I see rescuing as being too vulnerable. I will be tremendously vulnerable if I am rescued by someone. I am not willing to go there, being homeless and penniless was a revelation. The A rescued me in some instances when I met him I was lonely and isolated and adrift. I jumped into relating to him and committed to him tremendously then I felt I did not have the option to leave, I did on many levels but I did not like any of the options one of which is what I am living. I have long luxurated in the dream of being rescued, taken care of, loved, having less stress. What I ended up with was a total nightmare of an absolutely totally completely self destructive self absorbed person who was out to destroy me and him in the process. Of course it took years to get there but there was not much relief along the way.
So for me rescue is now off the table. I think about it for about 5 minutes when I meet someone who seems ideal to rescue and then realise I am just giving all my power away by even engaging in it. I'm no longer willing to go there but for years I persisted in some really peverse fantasy that the A could turn back into the person he "pretended" to be when I met him, solid, dependable, loving, kind, interested, sweet, loveable and funny and most of all interested in helping me. All that evaporated very very quickly once he knew he had some kind of a commitment from me. I'm not saying he maliciously did it or even planned it I just made myself tremendously vulnerable by being "open" to being rescued.
These days not even entertaining that is very hard because believe me I could use someone to help me, aid me, console me and a real companion but I can't even "go there". I made it through being homeless once I can't do it again and I certainly can't put my pets through it. I know for a fact being homeless last summer has shortened their lives and the experience of being uprooted so many times and living in such close quarters undoubtedly contributed to my darling little cat's death (by the way I have not even disclosed my cat is dead to most of the people around me I can't even broach the subject). Loss seems everywhere but really it is a tremendous gain to give up relating so self destructively others I just can't imagine what that will be yet.
Letting go of being rescued is such a hard thing for me its been such a bottom line in my life that somehow I could get rescued. I feel like I am grieving something that gave me hope. I had no idea that the very thing that gave me hope almost killed and totally destroyed me. I simply can't go there anymore much like I simply can't go around an A and expect anything but total chaos, lies and a huge mess they expect me to clean up.
When I'm feeling alone like that, sometimes I have to remind myself that no matter how alone I feel that I truly am NOT.
Long and short of it is, you have your HP and your HP WILL rescue you. The crux of it is that your HP doesn't necessarily rescue you in the way you may envision, but it will happen as long as you let your HP help.
I heard the saying "trust God, love others", and I think that is something that can be applied to the feeling of wanting to be rescued. Ideally, when a person is being rescued, it's done by someone or something that is trustworthy - otherwise, how can you allow yourself to be rescued if you can't trust the rescuer?
I can see applying the first three steps in this line of feelings: the worry about financial situations, the loneliness of not having a close, trustworthy person in your life you can depend on... wishing the past could re-write itself to something different...
If it were me, I'd hope I could recognize that that line of thought runs right along the lines of "hey, life isn't working right now. Wish things were different." which is just another way of saying life, at this point in time, is unmanageable.
When that is finally recognized, I can remember that I have a HP who can restore me to sanity, and I can be willing to turn my worries and fears over to my HP.
Really, I am grateful for your post, maresie. I have been feeling sort of that way the last few days, too... wishing things could be different with my AH, wishing I could erase or re-write the past so my present would somehow be better...
My thinking of applying the first three steps in your scenario reminds me that, hey... I probably need to do that, too.
I see great things for you. You have come to the point of acknowledging that what you want cannot be; that it just is not good for you. In addition, you are willing to do push through the pain to get to the other side. No immediate gratification, just hope and belief that tomorrow will be better.
I learn a lot from you. I am glad you are here.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Maresie, this post has been a huge help to me today. I can so identify and you have put it very well, thank you. I think you did the best you could with the pets and am sorry you are suffering in relation to their lifespan. This is very hard, but you are an amazing person to do what you do for them and they have a great life full of love with you. I know mine do to. My dog has settled down so much, she was so unstable last year, I thought she would have to be put down but now I could not imagine life without her. I know the reality/fantasy bit and I have to stop the rescue bit as well. It seems like avoidance really. Once again thanks for the post, it really helped.
