The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My ah has a friend (an A) that is in real bad shape, Whiskey in the morning and so on, knows it all. Anyway he told my ah that he doesn't want to mow his lawn or plant sweet corn or cut wood this year. This is deeply bothering my husband. This friend is 61 and is very bloated, whiskey and beer all day long since iv'e know him (1988) never held a job etc. He lives off the land rent my husband gives him for farming his acreage. He said, some things is wrong with AF, I said did you talk to him, no. AH says he is doing things that is not normal, I said, well, he must be sick. He said (yelled) No there is something wrong....I said he is probably dieing he is killing his body what do you think !! I felt bad for saying that, i don't know why. I then said, the only way you are going to find out is if you ask him, (god what is the big deal)( he's a big drunk and my husband is taking care of him)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(He makes me sick) (i am angry right now)
I still ask this question in my mind, why does my ah help these people? I mean grown people all over 60, that won't do for themselves, and he gives them money liquor and more, i just can't see this reasoning. he says they are his friends.
Maybe i have just opened my eyes and looked out. and seen how ugly it really is. Is he codependant????? to them????? I don't know. This is a very different situation for me. it gets confusing everyday. I can hardly put the pieces together sometimes, I really don't want to,
I think he is more worried about these drunks than our marriage. Why????? I just want to understand. speaking of our marriage, we are having our 1st Marraige Therapy tomorrow at 5:00. I am scared, this is were it will all come out. Him being an alcoholic, chemicaly dependant on booze. I have had enough, everything for the last 10 months. I do want to say one thing to him tomorrow before we go in, I want him to be honest and open and willing. Is that to much to ask?
This is actually pretty typical. Some people think that codependence is actually a root in any addiction. The issue for me was how to detach when I was surrounded by such insanity. I have detached a lot from the kinds of chaos an A brings around them, I have to say its a tremendous discipline.
Any one of us here has posted this same post at one time or another, its very very very very common.
You are not alone, you are not alone in the resentment the feeling of abandonment and the feeling of being rejected. What I found was that no matter how I remonstrated with the A nothing changed. When I was leaving the A he was moving in yet another homeless completely addicted couple. I said very little to him about it I was moving out. Now some days I wish I had not moved out when I did because I left my dogs with him for 2 months and I know absolutely they were neglected. For me it got to the point of survival. The A was always moving in or spending every second of the day with someone like that.
I feel for you. I know also it is possible to detach, as crazy as it sounds it does work and then you get clarity and then you can take constructive action.
At least he is willing to go to a counselor. My AH won't even consider it. He say he doesn't need any help. Meanwhile he sleeps all day and drinks all night. Doesn't accomplish much of anything around the house.
I'll keep you in my prayers tomorrow.
Love,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
I fin d the only way I can deal with any A (and I do deal with them even though I no longer have an A boyfriend) is to revise my expectations downward. I do not expect them to be honest, I do not expect them to be "willing" and I don't expect much but chaos from them. I think to do otherwise is to go to the butchers to buy bread. I spent a lifetime (it seemed like a lifetime) trying to persuade the A to be other than an A, he didn't want to be, he kept drinking, using and creating chaos no matter what the consequence. I stopped expecting him to be otherwise and I stopped the eternal cycle of disappointed. I think its enormously hard to revise one's expectations but the reality is that if an A is using, he can't be honest, he can't be wiling and he can't be open, he's destroying himself after all.
Good Luck on ever figuring out an A and why they think, say and do what they do. Maybe he feels a connection with the sick friend, sees himself, knows the secret inner pain etc. You'll just go in circles trying to understand. They don't understand themselves.
My husband once told me that he always figured I'd be here so other things got tended to before me. The odd thing was is that I understood it..lol
It is good that he is going to counseling but know that A's don't like to be outed, it may be his first and last visit and he might find a reason never to go back. I sincerely hope not, but prepare yourself for the possibility. All you can do is try to care for you. If the marriage can do some healing too that's an added bonus.
take care, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
