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Dear Family, This weekend, I am driving 2 states away to go to my niece's wedding. I have been looking forward to this...it feels like a vacation, a change in routine...my chance to see my family since my divorce was final in March.
My children, ages 22 and 23 will be joining me. While their dad (my ex-AH) was visiting last weekend, I overheard them telling him that they doubt there will be alcohol at the wedding....said in a very critical way, like they won't be having any fun.
I have had nightmares...projecting what may happen if they do serve alcohol. I hate being around the behavior. My sponsor is encouraging me to set a boundary with my children....telling them in advance, that I prefer they do not drink at the wedding. This way, they can choose not to come and stay home...or whatever.
I am afraid to set the boundary.
I am afraid to NOT set the boundary.
(This very same boundary didn't go well in the final months of my marriage....)
Any thoughts or ESH?
-- Edited by glad lee at 17:56, 2008-05-21
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
wow that is a tough one glad. I mean, I totally understand about weddings and drinking- they certainly seem to go hand in hand in my family and my niece is getting married in July. I know for a fact its going to be a giant drunken affair. I am not looking forward to it but I am planning some things I can do to take care of myself: bring a program friend or a non-drinking friend, come early and leave early, have a nice serene place to stay, bring some great books and plan some activities that especially delight me that have nothing to do with the wedding, etc.
If I were you I would do a little research and find out if alcohol is indeed being served at the wedding or not. It will set the tone for the wedding, either way. If its not going to be served, you will be in a better atmosphere generally which will help the whole situation out. It does not mean that your kids won't drink. But it will mean that most everyone else will not be completely 3 sheets to the wind like when they do serve alcohol at weddings.
They are adults. They can choose to drink or not. Its their choice. You do not need to be around them when they do drink. You can remove yourself from their presence if they are drunk.
Are you and your children staying together in one place? Another angle would be to get your own room (not stay with them) in order to insure your serenity- a place all to yourself that you can go to (I call this creating an escape pod), close the door and chill.
You cannot make them (or anyone) stop drinking. All you can do is take care of yourself. Hugs, J.
Wow this is a tough one. I agree with Jean. Try to find our whether alcohol will be served. At least if you know ahead of time you will know what you are in for.
As far as seting a boundary about your kids drinking, as Jean said they are adults and they can choose whether or not to drink. You can set a boundary that you will not be in their presence if they decide to drink. Meaning you can remove yourself from the situation should it arise.
Above all have a place for yourself that you can go to for serenity. You said you were looking forward to the wedding. Trust in your HP that he will make it a plesant time for you.
Take Care of Yourself.
Love,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Remember that if you set that boundry for them NOT to drink then it is because YOU are uncomfortable with drinking people NOT because you think THEY should not drink. The boundry would be for you.
How much will it effect you if there is drinking at the wedding?Enough to make you not go? Or enough to make you go and not have a good time?
Another thing I do is find the little kids table and hang with them. They won't be drinking and they usually are the most fun at these type gatherings. They aren't involved in all the adult drama and they accept me no questions asked. Especially if I come up with a really cool game like prank calling their parents cell phones or switching the salt and sugar...ya know the silly stuff I did as a kid.
I liked Jean's suggestion of having your own room. Or giving yourself permission to take off early if you want to.
I stopped going anywhere with the A socially because he always drunk and drove. You can remove yourself if they drink and set a consequence. I do. I will no longer tolerate being around others who drink if I am out somewhere and traveling with them.
I felt afraid to set boundaries. Now I cannot live without them. I know how hard it is in the beginning. Book end this and come here before and after, make contingency plans. Take care of yourself and above all dont' obsess.
I guess I am confused about HOW to set boundaries.
As I read the posts, I began thinking that by setting a boundary that they avoid drinking around me... my motive would be to CHANGE THEM.
So, is a boundary stating that.... if you do "X", I will do "Y"....???
If my kids drink... I could share my sisters hotel room (as my Escape Pod) ....not the room I have reserved for me and my children.... Does this sound like a more appropriate boundary?
And, at the reception, I will indeed sit at the kids table! LOL I love it!
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Since we cannot change other people or force them to do anything, boundaries are made to protect ourselves.
If you are in your own home, car etc. you may ask that someone not drink/smoke and if they do the consequence could be telling them to leave etc.
If you are in public your boundaries still protect you but you may have to remove yourself instead of creating rules for others to abide by, which is pretty impossible. Your boundaries in public are pretty much personal and silent. "If they do X (cross boundary), I will do X (detach, leave). Have a plan to protect yourself.
You have choices. Ignore it and have fun anyway, stay on the other side of the room so you don't see it at all or leave. Whatever you choose the ultimate goal is to protect yourself while not sacrificing a good time.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
One thing that hasn't been mentioned is that an unenforceable boundary is not a boundary. It is just an empty threat. I don't see any way that you could make not drinking a boundary for your adult children. You cannot control them. The boundary here as was said by the others would be for you. If things get too uncomfortable, this is what I will do to protect me. Staying in your sisters room sounds like a good plan b, assuming she doesn't drink. LOL Keeping the number of a program friend and a cellphone( or prepaid phone card) handy would be my other suggestion
I hope you have a really great weekend.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
