The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ok so I start my day off with a Joyce Meyer's broadcast and then go to the Alanon meeting online. I have my agenda of things to do already set up, so after meeting I start to work on them. Good for me, right? So I have to contact my AH, or do I? Well I wanted to update him on the dryer, which needs repair work done. Feeling good from meeting and topic discussed so I thought I would share some good news with AH. We had an alright text discussion, not bad and not awesome which is good enough for now. Wait I'm sorry I skipped a whole part of our texting before meeting where we are kind of talking about the progress we have made thus far, independently. I toss a comment in about how years ago he had written me these letters talking about the way he wanted to change his life and how he wanted to get back to going to church. So I told him that I had made copies of these old letters and gave them to his mom to give to him in hopes that it would help him. So he asks help with what and I tell him his drinking. Well you know that was the wrong thing to say. He goes into how I keep making these comments about him drinking to everybody (his family) and that's a joke he says. He drank occassionally and kept to himself and didn't bother anybody (now that is a joke, I did not say that though) then he throws in a little dig, how I am right that since we are seperate we don't have to worry about that. By dig I mean that he is still mad at me for having him removed from our home. He goes on to say that he isn't mad we have different opinions and different beliefs and how he has accepted that and that's why he is feeling good. He continues with I can't make you want to be a wife or a homemaker and he can't make me keep a clean house and he can't make me want to get up and do stuff during the day but he can pray for me to see the importance of those things for my own good. But if I don't then he still wishes me the best and he wants me to be happy and healthy. Now when he wrote that before I was already setting up to go to the meeting online and really hadn't paid a whole lot of attention to it. And since then we had another chat about him paying the bills. I had offered to go to his mother's house and print them up for him, he is court ordered to pay the household bills, and I was hoping to do a load of laundry or 2. So I call his mom to ask if I can come over and do that and she informs me that she is at the mall and my AH is off today. I was like, alright, that's new. He was working 7 days a week when he was at home and now he takes a day off. I have to admit I was really ticked off. NOW he wants to take time off from work. I am letting it get to me and I am ticked off at myself for letting it do that. So he took a day off, finally, when he has nothing to do. All of the time he could have taken off to do things around the house. Nope not until he is out of the house, which he so desperately wants to get back into, does he take time off to do what...go to the mall with his Mommy. Yeah I am just a little ticked. I had cancer for a year and had major brain surgery, he took some time off then but VERY few days at all. I actually think I have the right to be a little upset I am trying to keep myself in check so I don't do something stupid or something I will regret. I am trying to let it go and get over it. We need the carpet in our house ripped out, walls painted, these aren't new things and NOW he takes a day off. You have got to be kidding me. I know his mom and she is just right there having a good time probably letting him buy her stuff, I just never understood how she could baby him so much after all of the things that he has done to her. But hey I guess if she is happy then everything else can just fall where it may. I think I have ranted enough and need to reel myself back in and just get a grip. Thanks for reading and feed back would be greatly appreciated.
One thing that I have to look at over and over and over again for myself is my motivation. As much as I HATE to admit it, many of the things I do to "be helpful" or "useful" are secretly a way for me to control. One of the jokes in my current meeting is how many of us--me most definitely included--think that, for example, if we could just write the right letter, the "A" would "get it" and a light bulb would come on and they would stop drinking. I have to say that even after several years in recovery, there are still days when I think a really well-written letter will help. So, I say with the outmost compassion and gentleness: what is the likelihood that him reading his letters--even ones he wrote himself--keep him from drinking or seeking recovery? We have a slogan: Get off his back, get out of his way, get on with your life. Things like copying letters for him, or printing out his bills really are things that he can and should do himself. Your doing them for him is just asking for a series of fights that will wreck your serenity. In addition to my motivation, I have begun to look for myself to see when I "invite" the chaos in--as much as I hate to admit it--I often start things by writing the letter, or making the phone call, or starting a "discussion". I'm not saying to ice him out, but here's a great series of places for detachment with love. If he starts a fight: "I don't really drink that much, etc." You don't have to argue with him. You can simply say: You may be right. And go back to your own priorities.
Blue Cloud, you are so right. I have so much work to do, on myself. The bills are however for me, because I am living in the house which he is supposed to be paying for, well the kids and I. But yes it is true that I do look at all the text messages and tell myself to just let it go. Which after his little rant about not drinking blah blah, I just told him "meeting, gtg?. I know that it probably made him upset, but I was truly going to my meeting so it was kind of a double edge sword if you will. But I turned my phone off while I was online which I had done before but knew that I would have no interruptions. I have allowed him to get to me once again however he doesn't know that so I have to make efforts to let it go. It does me no good to allow him to bother me like this, it makes me wonder if I am really getting over him or not. I think I want to be over him...that is real honest there. It hurts so much, the what was supposed to be and I can still envision our twilight years together but in that he is not drinking and he is working on recovery, diligently. YES I do want to make him better but I know I can't. I journal a lot and it's to him. I just found out that my cancer doctor is no longer going to be there, he is moving on. That really hurts too. He has been there from the day 1 of diagnosis. I am cancer free now, a blessing for sure, but it will come back we just don't know when or if it will be a treatable form like the one I had was. I am praying to my HP. Thanks for your input it was very much appreciated. Take care of yourself and feel free to share knowledge with me any time.
Well why not mail him a copy of the bills? Do you have to go over and print them out. I appreciate there are grey areas where one has to deal with someone who is dysfunctional but limits have to be in there. Personally I have to be super careful about chatting with anyone who is an "addict". I can "do" things for them which benefit me in the long run but I have to have huge limits and boundaries around them. There is no open loops with an active alcoholic.
