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I'm definitely starting to recognize "the signs" more and more when my AH has been drinking.
And it's weird, the differences between his dry spells and his non-dry spells aren't so very different, but there are subtle differences. If that makes any sense at all.
Last night I could tell my AH had been drinking. He was being a bit belligerent, trying to "test" me on things. I went to my regular Monday night meeting. I didn't stay long after this meeting as I really just didn't have a whole lot to stay afterwards, so I got home pretty quickly, and thus didn't bother to check my phone.
I get home, I hear AH in the back throwing bottles away and he comes back into the house as I'm putting my purse down. "Did you check your messages?"
Hmmm... "Well, I'm checking them now..." I tell him and then pull out my phone to check my messages. He's left me a message: "Hey, it's 7 o'clock, just calling to see if you check your messages. I have a french fry craving, and wanted to see if you could pick me up some fries on your way home. Thanks!"
I'm doing mental eye-rolls big time listening to the message. I see the control game he's trying to play now with the post meeting stuff. Let's turn this into "Kelly, be at my beck and call after your meetings and pick me up crap every time on your way home."
I simply listened to the message and didn't make a comment to him at all after listening to it and deleting it.
Instead I just went into the other room, changed into some comfy clothing and then called my sponsor because I had something entirely different on my mind that I wanted to talk with her about. (Having "issues" with my mom - that's a different thread entirely!)
So, I was on the phone with my sponsor for maybe 20 minutes, and AH walks into the room "You want to go get some french fries?" I'm still talking with my sponsor, and I'm just like "No, thanks." so he took off on his own to get some.
That was pretty much the end of it except for later in the evening when he was starting to get to pass-out phase, he was just trying to be obnoxious and combative with me... I'd see something on TV, make a comment about it, and he'd purposely contradict what I was saying... I knew then and there his disease was really trying to pick a fight. He even made an attempt to be indignant that I hadn't checked my messages and got him french fries after the meeting. I didn't respond to it at all other than to say "hey, life works- you got your french fries." in a chipper way. I let it drop after that, though... "You only make it real when you choose to fight back".
He eventually passed out on the couch and I just continued to watch the show and then started to get ready for bed. He can sleep through a TV show, but he's awake in a heartbeat when he hears the TV shut off!
In any case, we went to bed - I meditated first.. and that was the end of it.
I'm glad I didn't react negatively at all to any of his jabs last night. Didn't take it personal, either.
But I think it's funny how the A's decide to take what THEY'RE feeling and tell you that YOU'RE feeling that way.
This morning, my AH asks me "Why are you being grumpy?" Of course, I wasn't grumpy at all! I just told him flatly, "I'm not grumpy." quickly changed the subject, and that was it. Wasn't going to argue THAT point any further, either. But I just found it humorous, because I knew HE was cranky because his manipulation game fell flat last night, but he decided to turn it around and try to turn it into MY being cranky.
Soooo weird, this disease.
I'm just glad I dodged a bunch of land mines.
I realize I'm going to have to address the phone issue at some point in time, though - I can't let this keep happening - it's currently giving him an excuse to try to control me, and I can't have much more of that. I'm thinking next meeting, I'm going to "forget" and leave my phone at home. Either that, or I'm just going to have to put my foot down and tell him flat out, I am NOT going to be checking my phone the moment the meeting ends. This is my personal growth time.
It really cuts the drama by half or more when we refuse to engage. You did great.
As far as the phone is concerned. I think I would just remind him that the phone is not a leash. It is for my convenience and/or safety. I will check it at my convenience, and it will not be at the end of every meeting. Then I would probably not respond to any messages he sends whether I checked them or not unless it was an emergency. I would be resentful of having to leave my phone at home just because he wanted to use it to yank my chain, but that is just me. I know some people who don't like the phone anyway and would love a good excuse to leave it at home. LOL
Anyway, Yes the disease is definately strange.When you start to get detached from all the craziness, you wonder how you got like that yourself too.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
It's always so much better when we refuse to play their game. You did wonderfully by not allowing him to manipulate you.
I find that when my AH has been drinking, he will always try to pick a fight with me. I have found that it's because when we are fighting, he can justify his drinking. If I pick up the fight, he will use it as an excuse to get even drunker.
I wish I could say that I never pick up the fight. That would be far from true. I am getting better at ignoring his attempts to engage me is an argument though. Each time I am successful I am aware that he is baffled by this. For me to ignore his ranting and raving is totally out of character for me. He is beginning to realize that something has changed in me.
Take Care,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
I loved reading your share. Your tone was matter-of-fact, and your responses were simple and straight forward. Not a lot of words or emotion, you just did not engage. It was as if you were caught up in a game and you kept passing every level. Good for you!
While I don't have much verbal contact with my AH right now, I want to start applying such "communication" techniques with my two oldest children. I get so caught up in emotion and aggravation at times. There is peace and power in responding in a simple, non-threatening, to the point manner.
I hope the next "level" you pass is in reference to your cell phone. Leaving it home is just a temporary solution. Getting him to respect, or at least accept, your personal growth time would be phenomanal. It's a challenge that you definately can succeed at because ultimately you have all the power, it is just figuring out the most effective manner to get there. You will do it.
You rock!
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
