The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I think my life with the A was pretty much either bleak or at the beginning when he really played into seducing me, pretty nicely, (bascially he couldnt' do enough for me for a few weeks and that was the end of that, after that over time he couldnt do anything for me ever unless I begged him until I was exhausted). Not long after he got me as his girlfriend he started acting up. There were tons of signs and I did not want to see them. I kept "trying". He really knew how to push all my buttons and work me perfectly. He also quite frankly never had anything good to say about me for years, at the same time he absolutely demanded I give everything to him. He'd ignore me and then demand I do eveything for him. These days I am "wise" to such alcoholic games, I set tremendous limits and have no inclination to be "worked" by anyone. I pull back far more. I committed to the A 100% day one, now my commitments are very different. My main one is to me these days, I'm first on my list, I matter, before it wasn't just the A who treated me as if I didn't matter, I was putting myself in that position all the time by giving away all my power and more. That doesn't mean I don't do a great job, take care of what I need to, take care of my friends (with limits), but no one but no one comes above me anymore, not even my dogs who I cherish tremendously. For years the A demanded he get everything or the consequences would be immense. I have to laugh these days when he calls with his demands. He took everything, stole everything, ruined everything and still feels I owe him. I have told him pretty clearly that he is not getting anything from me anymore. Now with al anon I mean it. Before I raged and raged and raged and would attempt to leave half heartedly. I never "meant" it. Next thing I was taking even more from him!
I am so sad that I did that to myself over and over. I felt I was abandoned, but I had a hand in my abandonment. I was absolutely totally last on my list. I had no powers of self preservation. Now with learning detachment I do. I no longer "rush" into anything. Admittedly my life is no picnic, I have tremendous hardship but I am at no one's beck and call anymore. I've also not chasing the few crumbs the A gave me a few years ago and goldplating the few dregs of attention he gave me when I gave him absolutely everything for years and years and years. Moreover I'm also not raging till I am sick to my stomach.
I think relationships are just a tricky, sticky situation... because the human perception for most relationships is that each partner needs to be willing to "sacrifice" a few things in order to stay with the other person and be happy because people, as a whole, just have different interests.
If a person cannot accept another person for who they are, though, then that's where the relationships start to turn ugly. One person may feel they're having to sacrifice a lot of their own happiness to "keep the peace", and the other person might be feeling exactly the same way. On top of it all, both people probably feel the other one isn't sacrificing in a fair, reciprocal way.
It's a lot easier to keep the focus on yourself if you're not with someone who needs, needs, needs from you. Same thing, it's a lot easier to keep the focus on yourself in a healthy manner when you're not with someone whom you expect, expect, expect certain things from.
I see now why so many people feel, ultimately, a spilt is going to be the best answer in the long run.
I don't think a split has to be the only answer, but it sure is tough keeping the focus on yourself when you're in a relationship with someone else... aka: a marriage.
Actually I don't feel the "split" is always the answer. In my case, the A became totally and completely self destructive, he was on a roll to destroy everything, our home, his health, his finances, our dogs, the works. I simply couldn't go along with that. Some people do manage to have a fulfilling life with an active alcoholic it depends on the person. For me the split came after a few years in al anon that was the key for me and it is also the key now. The focus is no longer on what he did but on what I did, when I made choices that were self destructive for me, how I chose to be in denial and more. My life is certainly not plain sailing without an active A, it is very difficult nevertheless if someone is totally at the end stage of their disease and completely self destructive one would have to really work miracles to not be affected by their actions.
That was a nice share. I am going through the separation now. He is at his mother's being taken care of and the kids and are in our home. It is by no means easy or a smooth sailing. I see now how the children (14 and 18) were being effected so much clearer now. I knew I was too but after all I am superwoman so I could handle anything. Yeah not so much...I did not get back into alanon until after my AH was gone. I knew it to be a wonderful program but I had stopped attending, I don't know why now. But I am here now and working the program for ME! I am benefiting from it, not him. The kids are benefiting from my "better" outlook on life now. We have had many issues that have come up since my AH is out of the house but I just try to deal with them as they come and do the best I can based on Alanon and praying to my HP for guidance and strength. I try to review in my mind the part I played in the life I was living with my AH. I know for sure I am to blame for many things, however I can't change them now and I must move forward and do the best from this point on. Today is where I am living and looking back to make sure that I learn from my mistakes and then let them go. I am truly beginning to live the "let go and let God", it's not easy because I have always felt that I had to attend to every problem and "fix it" otherwise it would be broken for all of eternity. I am not a great repair person either. But I was going to get in there and work what little magic I had but I could never fix "it". So then there is no other choice but to let go and let God. I have to say, it feels good!
