The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thank you so much for everyone's posts to my last entry.
I'm having a really hard time with my feelings since my AH moved out. I feel happy, not depressed that he's gone. Yet everyone in my life is constantly asking me how I'm doing and worried I'll take him back.
I don't understand why everyone thinks I'm falling apart except for me? I feel good, and I'm happy and feeling good about moving on. I won't lie- at times I feel scared and alone- but I guess what I'm wondering is - is this normal to be this happy after having to end a 10y relationship? I feel abnormal or something.
Anyway, my AH called the other day and asked if I was still going to co-sign for his student loan, which I never actually agreed to. I said no, and I proceeded to tell me, "that is the only thing that's keeping me from taking my own life", in tears.
So I felt panicked and said ok, fine I'll do it. Then after I hung up I felt so trapped. I really did feel guilty, but I later text messaged him and told him I wouldn't be able to. I figured text message was better, that way I didn't have to hear a response from him, yelling at me.
He's living in an apartment with a roomate who isn't helping with rent or anything. He's coming over tomorrow to get some change he'd collected and left here. There's at least $15 worth. How sad he needs change. Here's an idea - how about he gets a full-time job somewhere, besides his part-time job. ????? I do worry about him, but I want him out of my vocabulary.
Everytime I talk to him, it brings me down. I just want to get a divorce and have no more reason to talk to him, or hear from him. As much as I do love him, it's a very toxic realationship and just brings me down.
Good good good for you for NOT signing for HIS loan! Ugh, the so obvious manipulation on his part (it's the only thing keeping him alive???? maybe he better get a better life then....). For me, I had to go completly No Contact with my ex. And I have been happy, content, joyous, angry, lonley, afraid. People assumed he and I would get back together. They didn't know the things he did to me. All they knew was that I had left and gone back before. So, I just took their "sympathetic looks" and gave them the finger LOLOLOL!!! It is none of my business what other people think of me.
If you are feeling good right now, then feel it! Ride that wave!!! And don't look for the negative. Because it will come, and it will bum you out and feel like the end of the world. But it won't be and that too shall pass.
Roll on with the happiness and share it with all those around you!
I know how you feel Chris. My AH and I have been seperated for about 3 weeks with no contact. The court order was lifted and felt that his kids needed to be given the choice to make contact with him or not and we had some financial issues we had to go over. So I let the boys decide if and when they wanted to talk to him and the youngest one called his dad the older one says he won't talk to his dad until he apologizes to him. No in the past I would have gone to the AH to tell him what he needed to do to make it right but I refuse to do that this time. He screwed up their relationship not me. I did however make an appointment on Sunday to begin Family counseling, for all of us and invited to AH to join. He doesn't know what he wants to do yet. I am not going to believe that he will be there, but that is his decision. I believe that it can only help start the healing process. His option and his choice. I really do hope he chooses to come but I hold NO hope out for that.
Once again, I am going to step over the "don't give advice" boundary. DO NOT co-sign the student loan!!!! Whether or not he is serious about "taking his own life" is not a reason for you to put yourself in financial hock for him. Who do you think is going to be stuck with the loan??? He is just another A attempting to control and make you feel guilty. Don't let it happen. You have made your decision to go your own way, and you are happy about it. Concentrate on that free feeling you love, and allow him to find his own way.
As you already know, they can be so pitiful sometimes, our hearts break for them. We would not be worth a cent if we didn't have human feelings of compassion. But don't let those feelings push you over the edge and back into a relationship that is toxic.
I like what Serendipity said: "Roll on with the happiness and share it with all those around you!"
Now there's a PLAN......
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
unless they have said so you don't really know that everyone thinks your falling apart. They may just be trying to let you know they care for you??
Also I have found that NO one, except my alanon friends knows how I feel or can even understand. I lost so many contacts, friends and family members support because they have no understanding of how it feels to live with an A. and I have no way to explain it to someone who has not lived it.
I agree with what Glad said. A good example of that happened last week at my Tue. night Al-Alon meeting. We had a newcomer, a nice young lady (school teacher) in her early 30's. She did not say a word until 5 minutes before the meeting ended. She said that some of her friends, lots of fellow teachers, and all relatives were aware of her husbands problem. They all wanted to help, and they had all offered advice. She said by coming to the meeting she realized that the advice she was geting, though well intended, was not the advice she had been needing. Leave him, it's best for the kids, kick him out, put your foot down, everytime you find he bottle, pour it out, everyone offered their own advice. But, thank goodness she found people that understood at this meeting. Her last statment was, "This is where I needed to be for years, Ya'll will never know how proud I am that I came tonight." We all need Al-Alon, and it did my heart good to see how after years of suffering, one hour at an Al-Alon meeting had given this Lady hope, and direction in her life. RLC
Actually everyone I know including myself can cop out to using guilt to get their way. It is universal and I know that this site is about those whose lives are affected by someone elses drinking and that our complaints are about the alcoholic and alcoholism. I do have to be fair...I was a consistant player in the guilt game. I used it to attempt to make my alcoholic quit drinking, using and fooling around. I even used it to keep myself in program...that's the one time it worked!! Keep coming back.
One of our MIP friends had the greatest oneliner anytime someone shared about being put on a guilt "trip."
He simply said "If someone is putting you on a guilt trip, fire the travel agent." Keeping it simple, that one liner always helped me put it in perspective.
Good luck, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
The myth is leaving them gets easier. I think in the beginning its harder. The manipulation goes up. I got stuck taking care of the A for 3 months last summer. Without this group I'd still be doing it. Post here often. Don't beat yourself up, it takes some time to detach from being over responsible. For me it was a process it was part of the goodbye.
I am now fully detached. Detachment takes work, lots of it. I spent my life here last summer and it got me throught it.
I no longer even think about what the A is doing. I really steeled myself to that. It is an art to stop thinking about them, wondering about them, feeling sorry for them? Does he feel sorry for you? nope.
