The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Reality: working in a gas station as a cashier for $7/hr instead of in the field I spent the last year in school for Dream world: Perfect job, perfect boss, perfect peers
Reality: Not being able to take care of my kids because I can't even take care of myself right now Dream World: Having the faculites to care for all of my children and they be "normal"
Reality: Sober Alcoholic man that I love dearly Dream World: Man that doesn't drink, do drugs, is completely emotionally available to me and independently wealthy
Reality: A mom who is controlling and is basically nuts Dream World: A mom who is able to let go and doesn't "freak out" about the small things
I know we ALL would like to live in that little dream world and I know where most of us are is so far from that world it's not even funny.
Things are going ok, I am trying to remember that I do have GOOD things in my life...like my man...yes he's an alcoholic, but he's sober...I thank my HP for that each day. We can't help who we fall in love with, I know that. And as I type this I wonder what my life would be like if I was with a man who didn't have a problem with drinking. I probably wouldn't be in Al-Anon and I probably would sabbotage that relationship because I would find something wrong with him...I need caos (sp?)....let me rephrase that, I needed caos in my life. I'm finding things much nicer without it.
This last week and a half have been aweful for me. I've been working and sleeping and studying for my certification exam tomorrow and hadn't seen my kids until last night. Not even on Mother's Day becuase I had to work and wound up sleeping most of my day away...until about an hour before I had to be at work. THAT sucked. I seem to be sleeping ALOT this past week. Like today, I fell asleep around midnight and got up at 11 a.m.! Not sure what's going on...perhaps a little bit of depression trying to set in...and the funny thing about THAT is I'm on anti-depressant medication!! I have been for 2 years now. One would think that I'd be at least ok! Maybe it's because I absolutely HATE my job. I'll figure it out eventually and fix the problem.
OH and then there's the fact that I can't enjoy a nice cold beer when I get off work. Not because he's asked me not to drink, in fact, he's said it doesn't bother him if I do, but it's ME. I don't drink out of respect for his sobriety. And really what would I get out of it? Going to potty every 15 minutes? LOL A nice headache in the morning? NO THANK YOU!!
He's speaking for the first time tomorrow night at a speaker meeting. He's mulling over if he wants me there or not. I would love to go, but understand his reasons for not wanting me there. I told him what ever he decided was fine with me and that he could let me know before he left tomorrow. He's afraid of saying something that might upset me. I told him that I wouldn't be upset because whatever he says it's in the past. I understand he's done things he's not proud of, it's not going to change the way I feel about him. It might actually HELP me understand why he is the way he is NOW!! I just thought of that. hhmm...well, I'm not going to pressure him into making a decision about it. Whatever he decides I'll go with.
So happy to hear from you. Had not in a while and was wondering if you were okay. Sorry you hate the job! Hope you find something to like about it soon.
I have been living the what if life in my head all my life... or dream life as you put it. I think I have missed alot of real opportunties for happiness by being obsessed with the dream life. I still do this out of habit. I think when I start to do that from now on I will replace those ideas in my head with a list of what I am thankful for in my life right now!! Or I will start living "as if" sometime. Meaning living my life "as if " it were that way-from my point of view I mean- what would I be doing differently, the only thing I can controll. How would I be acting etc. and see if it helps? Thanks for your post it made me think....
Hope you have a wonderful weekend and like I said so good to hear from you girl!!
You caused me to reflect on the time when I was working with my sponsor and he was teaching me to see the "WHOLE PICTURE" reality...life as it is, the good, the bad and the ugly. I use to use that negation word "but". I'd make a statement and then say "but" and he would tell me that everytime I followed up a true statement with but it was like the statement never had value or was valid. He taught me to say "and". When I started using "and" I could tell the whole truth about my life and accept it all...the good and the bad and the ugly.
Soooo I took your statement yes he's an alcoholic, but he's sober and changed it to read, "yes he's and alcoholic, and he's sober" and the meaning changes totally. It comes out as something to be happy and glad about for him and for you and the family. A sober alcoholic...is not an insane or dead one.
Thank you for your post. I love hearing that you keep hope alive and are working on getting your certification to better your life and that of your children. One of the gifts I've received from the program is to realize... I DO have options. There is always a plan B. In spite of your invitation to attend his speaker meeting or not, stay focused on what you want to say at yours one day. I had to learn to put myself first, my program first, my meetings first and let go of the what if's. For me...when I began to feel depressed....I had to realize...that whenever " I felt like my higher power was out of reach... it was me who had moved...not my higher power." Baby steps, you are moving in the right direction.
I thought of something today. Perhaps he is super sensitive deep down inside and tries to make certain he doesn't hurt you with words. So maybe he would feel that if he was speaking carefully like that in his speaking engagement that he would not be able to share what he is wanting to share with the group. Not that there are necessarily "things" he doesn't want you to know about but maybe he is afraid of saying them as directly and openly as he may feel he can with other/ people he has less chance of "hurting".
