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I've been finding my AH is deciding to be suspicious of me every now and then.
A few weeks ago, he got upset at me for coming home late after an Al-Anon meeting - I turn my cell off during the meetings and then right after the meeting, I often find I'm talking with other members for a while and often don't get home until maybe a half hour after the meeting's over.
There was one evening where he decided to keep tabs on me and watched the clock like a hawk and when I wasn't home within 5 minutes of the meeting ending, he decided to call me. And call me. And call me. And call me... and my phone was off the whole time.
I got home and he was all mad at me, of course drawing all sorts of bizarre conclusions of what I must be doing in his head. I honestly didn't feel I needed to defend myself. I did tell him I'll try to remember to turn my phone on after the meeting's over so if he needs to call, I'll hear the phone ring, but I turned the thing around on him because he kept telling me "oh I was just worried about you is all", so I told him "Well, I appreciate your concern for me. I'm okay. Thank you."
I know he wasn't worried about me like my being hurt or in danger or something - he was more "worried" that I was off doing something he wouldn't approve of, of course.
In any case, so I had that instance... made sure to pray to my HP about it after it occurred and all that.
Then last night after my meeting, I forgot to turn my phone on after the meeting and stayed and chatted with a couple members, and then when I finally was on my way home, I saw he'd tried calling... like 5 freaking times.
I called him and told him I was sorry I forgot to turn the phone on. He seems like he isn't agitated... then I get home and there's this package sitting on my chair at my desk in our office.
I had no idea what it was... looked like something that came from a residential address, not a business, so I was opening it wondering "what the heck?" out loud.
It's a book, called "Prayers Answered" by Julia Cameron and I pull it out and my AH is standing there watching me open it "Where'd that come from?"
I tell him, "I have no idea." and then my memory returns to me and I remember maybe a month or so ago, my parents told me they were going to buy that book for me and send it out and that it might take some time to arrive.
So, I was all happy and excited about it, and I tell my AH I remembered my parents ordered it for me.
He just grumbles an "oh", leaves the room, and then I hear the bedroom door slam shut.
For crying out loud...
So, AH decides my book story was all made up, I guess... I'm sure he's drawing conclusions of some secret love affair going on or whatever.
In any case, I came to bed maybe 20 minutes later and I told myself "I am NOT going to sit here defending NOTHING." so I just tried to be calm and kissed him good night.
Come this morning, AH announces to me: "I'm grumpy at you about the book thing."
*sigh*
All I can do is tell him again, "Well, it was weird to me, too, until I remembered my parents had ordered it for me."
He pushes the "it was just weird thing", and then I just told him, "Look, it's from my parents. That's about all I can say about it. You need to get past this."
And that was it. I gave him a hug... he seemed to be feeling a little better about it...
But jeez. Just really irritated me that I'm under his microscope.
But... at the same time, I know how he must have felt all the times in the past when I was being suspicious of him... so... karma is an interesting thing.
I'm trying now to not be mad at him over it. Again, it's his own disease chewing at him, and I have done absolutely nothing wrong, therefore I need not worry about it.
I know I can't be the only one out there with A's who decide to throw the suspicion card right back at us, especially when we start taking care of ourselves by going out and doing things WE enjoy, even if it means we're doing it without the A. This includes our disappearing to Al-Anon meetings.
Just my opinion.... but I think it is way healthier for you NOT to promise to turn your phone back on immediately after your meetings, and to keep that time for YOU.
Perhaps a conversation with your A that you have reconsidered, and your meeting nights are "your time", and you need your time to reflect and grow. Don't ask for permission - that is where we get into troubles with our A's.... He's trying to control you, and by apologizing for "not being available", you are helping him do just that.... I'd even go so far as to not bring my cell phone out those evenings, and come home when you are ready to come home....
Just my two cents
T
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Working the program really upsets the status quo. When the A starts to feel the changes we make it upsets them. They do not like change especially when it effects them. Just because we start getting better and changing does NOT mean that they are.
My ex accused me of every single thing he did. I became detatched enough to not engage. His only path to intimacy was fighting. So, when I stopped doing that dance,packed up my music and walked away, he looked awful stupid dancing by himself. He was unable to engage in true intimacy, so, that died and I'm still here!
Good for you for not engaging. It is HARD!!!! Hope you enjoy the book!
Don't take this wrong... but I was laughing to myself as I read your post because I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN!!!!
I can always tell when my AH is out drinking after work because he doesn't answer his cell phone... that's become my new signal to knowing what I'm looking at when he does get home...
Few weeks ago, I went over to some friends' house for the evening... figured I'd be home before he was so I didn't even leave a note as to where I was.... Ooops! He got off a bit early and came home instead of lagging behind to "have a few"... Nice will power on his part but when he got home and saw that I wasn't... he started calling everywhere looking for me... Everywhere, that is, EXCEPT where I was... called my mom, my sis, my work... never even occurred to him that I was just down the street with some friends...
You see, I don't even own a cell phone... :)
He wasn't suspicious, or at least, he didn't seem like he was... I got the whole "where have you been, I was worried, why didn't you leave a note" routine... but I gave him the same answer he always gives me when he's out "socializing"... " I just felt like getting out with some friends"... he just looked at me, said "oh" and then, "you should have left a note"... he was extra sweet to me for a few days after that...
I agree with seren... it's about control... and their lack of control over the changes you are making in your life... It's scary to them because it means you may not be there to pick them up when they fall down, they may have to take responsibility that they don't want to take... Suspicion is like them sticking their toe in the water to see what the temperature is like before jumping in... Give them what they perceive is the wrong answer and you're both jumping into the deep end! Difference is... YOU have the tools to swim to the edge and get out... they don't.
Oh my Gosh, I think I have writen that same story.
It is good to see that you are able to see it for what it is and not overreact. You are making progress. Congratulations!
I seems the healthier I am getting, scenerios like yours are becoming less of an issue. I used to defend myself. Yes, it is true, we could argue for hours on what I was doing for the 5 minutes I was MIA (missing in action). LOL Him accusing, me defending.
NOW... I do not defend myself. If, for instance he has been going through my cell phone checking to see who I have called and questions me on a phone number. I will tell him he has no business going through my personal belongings. I will not explain who the call was made to or the nature of the call. Sorry, you snooped illegeally, you are on your own to figure it out.
The great thing is that when he acts suspicious and accuses me of stuff, it does not bother me one bit anymore.
I have one for you guys. I caught my AH online with a female, he had passed out while they were IMing and I started reading what he had written. Well they were talking about leaving their respective spouses for one another etc.. So I waited a couple of days before I confronted him about it but he tells me he doesn't remember doing that, I told him that was beside the point, he did it because it was on his computer. So anyway another night, we get into a stupid arguement (wrong thing to do) and he "pretends" to call her and says yeah the strange thing is my wife knows your husband somehow. Yes, he actually was trying to accuse me of having an affair with his "girlfirend's" husband. That's not even the first time he has done that. So I told him that was not going to work again, he needed to stop talking on the phone so the 2 of them could just hook-up. Leave us spouses out of it. My AH and this woman work together and I am sure console one another about their horrible marriages. I would only be guessing but I would say over drinks. I think he thought that I would break down and cry and get emotional over it, but later he tells me that he wasn't really on the phone with her. I am just so gullable that I guess he felt as though I would buy that. At that point I was so numb to all of his lies and his fake accusations that it was just funny to me and it was all I could do to not laugh outloud and make a bad situation worse. LOL now!!
