The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The more I read others here, the more I realise I was so uneducated and so gullible and so naive.
I know I cannot go back, o that I could my mind says on irrational days, and I would not want to, however I am so so naive, or rather I was.
The things I did wrong; they make me cringe.
I fell for all the A's insanity and added my own and I am so so sad for my children. Only now do I see that there are ways of doing things that take away some of the living hell, had I only known what I do now.
I know that shoulda coulda woulda, if only and the rest of the gang are useless to even meet up with, however, they sneak up on me when I am not looking and I have a real battle to tell them to go away and let me be with my friend "I did the best I could with what I had at the time."
Still, the tears burst forth on pain days and when I am vulnerable and I just hope that they will wash away the saddness I feel I have been the root of in my children's lives.
Still looking forward, just having one of those blue days...the sun is just behind the clouds, and although it may not be shining with me it is shining on others and I cannot be anything but happy for that.
Love you, my precious family. Suzannah looking for the
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Suzannah, The sun is shining bright with me today. I was just telling my kids this morning what a beautiful day it was starting out to be.
I have had the same feelings about myself; naive, gulible, and foolish. Really, though, I feel I was those things because I was uneducated about alcoholism. My father was an alcoholic, not a very nice one either. I saw how he treated my mom and I hated him for it. I promised myself that my life will be better and I would never marry someone like my dad.
Well, guess what? I married an alcoholic. He was one before we got married. I knew, yet I married him anyway. He is not verbally or physicially abusive like my dad was, so I thought things would be different.
I guess I feel, what's done is done. I have two beautiful children because of him. Now I look to the future and have to trust in my HP that he will help me to steer my children in the right path in life. I talk with my kids about alcoholism. I tell them they are at risk themselves.
I think you are on the right path yourself. May the sun shine on you today.
Suzannah, ALL of us, without exception, have looked back at what we did wrong, are looking at what we are doing wrong today, and will look at what we will do wrong in the future. Sounds trite, but it is true; we do the best we can and go on from there. AlAnon teaches a better way to handle our lives, yes. But we are human, and come complete with the ability to "screw things up" during that process called living. Don't beat yourself up. The sun perpetually shines; just forget about that light covering of clouds, step out into the light and rejoice. That's what life's about.
With much love and caring,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
However. Do not underestimate the power of having a mother who is demonstrating recovery, even in adulthood. It feels very empowering to me any time my own mother happens to say something that sounds like self-worth, or taking responsibility for what she's said, or NOT taking on more responsibilities than she can handle (..... hm..... I may never actually have seen this last....) - and if she were working on it all the time! Oh my.
The replies above say it all. I have been in an alcoholic marriage for over 30 years and I still ask other people why he does what he does or what was he thinking? Shouldn't I know him better then anyone after all these years? As said in the AA literature it is a cunning and baffling disease. My AHsober (talk about baffling because this man has been sober for over 20 years) and I have been separated for 3 years. His choice. At first it really bothered me about the impact of our separation and relationship on our three sons. I even said that if I knew how this was all going to turn out I would have never had children. But that was my disease talking. My three grown boys are a gift and they will need to fight this disease too. I cry in the morn, late at night when I find myself alone, I cry when I walk home from work. I ask my HP to help know what to do and help me with the pain and sadness.
You did the best you could with what you knew at the time, my friend. That really, really IS the truth, even though I too sometimes want to berate myself for things from the past.
Something that gave me a big aha!!! just recently was something I read in a thought for the day I get every morning from a program friend.
One simple sentence that seemed to give me some release, some help letting go of past issues.... "Even God can't change the past."
So why am I wasting my energy fretting, 2nd quessing and trying to rewrite the past!
Have a sunny day my friend, and a great weekend! I am off to an Area Assembly for the weekend!
Forgive yourself. That is so important. It can help us move out of victim mode. When I blame myself for the past, I am in the perfect position to play the victim and make it all about me. When I forgive myself (despite NOT being forgiven by others) and do it differently in the future, I become who I want to be.
Forgiveness is giving up all hope of changing the past.
You are so self aware! You are working this program and moving forward and being honest. You ROCK sister!!!!
I hear ya.... but please also remember..... those of us who might sound like we haven't been exactly where you are today..... are either full of malarkey (my PG word for the day), or have simply eliminated it from our memories....
Our respective recoveries ARE a process, and we all stumble along, and it's not always a straight line forward....
The very fact that you are posting this today, and recognizing past things, without beating yourself up too much about it.... is a sign of recovery in and of itself.....
When I used to get too down about "where I was in my recovery", my sponsor would encourage me to open up my time reference a bit..... So when you ask yourself honestly.... where were you - one year ago.... five years ago, etc..... I think you'd be quite able and willing to give yourself a pat on the back, for how far you've progressed.....
Yours in recovery Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
My husband has a high fever,very sick. In three days I come down with a fever too and cuss at my gma, throw the tv out the window, and run outside naked.
Ok is it MY fault???well NOOOOOOOOOO!! It it his fault? NOOOOO!
Remember the disease makes us sick too.We don't even realise it! I am sure if you had known the things you have learned now, you would have done different.
Should is a stupid thought. Does not change anything.
You did the best you could from what you knew at the time.We all do that!
that was another time, a much less mature woman.
Soooo let it go and let hp. Breath it out, literally take your hands and throw those feelings OUT the window. I mean it.
My grandson used to get owees, I would take the pain and throw it. He believed it worked. lol It does.
You know when you have too much on your shoulders your shoulders will be stiff and hurt?
Or when we don't deal with our feelings, we swallow them up and end up with a sick digestive track?
The Percentage of people who love an A, who have digestive troubles is huge.
I love all the things that have been posted. Especially about forgiving ourselves. My sponsor is very good at helping me when I am full of remorse and regret... She tells me that when I can't forgive myself, I am putting myself in the God position. Because God forgives me!!! And when I refuse to do so...I am playing God.
She is Christian. And she likes to add, that Jesus died on the cross for our "sins." When we try to hang ourselves on the cross (we gotta punish ourselves, right???) she humorously tells me that Jesus would say, "Get off that cross, would ya?!! I already did that for you!"
Makes me laugh when she tells it!
Sooo grateful for your post. I am not alone!!
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I am year out from leaving the A and sometimes the grief can still sneek up on me but I don't shoulda coulda woulda myself anymore. I did the best I could I know that. Al anon for some of us takes a while to work. Its a hard program. Detaching is tremendously difficult to work.
I can still get made crazy by alcholics (I live with some). I really work on detaching.
That really, really IS the truth, even though I too sometimes want to berate myself for things from the past.