The material presented
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For those of you keeping up with the "saga", I had to tell my 18 year old to leave the house. I had laid down rules for him to go by in order to stay here, one of which he COULD NOT use my car and had to find his own way to school, work and friends, etc.. Well this morning he came to me and wanted to use my car to drive to school. I told him no that I would drive him and he got very angry and said he just wouldn't go and I told him YES you are going to school. He argued that he would be suspended if he was late and wanted to get a doctor's not, which he could do he was recently in an accident and has a bruised kidney and was supposed to go back for a re-check. But that point aside, he wasn't wanting to go if I was going to take him. So I told him he needed to leave the house so he could be where he could make his own choices and deal with his own consequences. He was calling me all kinds of names and telling me that he was going to take the computer (a desk top mind you) and I told him if he tried to take it I would call the police. Needless to say I had to call the police and he didn't take the computer. He did however leave. I gave his girlfirend the number to call the doctor and $20 for the copay, IF he went!HE didn't go he went to work instead. He has plans on coming hom to talk to me about this situation...ANY ADVICE?
We learn in Al-Alon to set boundaries, they are flexable,changeable, and removeable. It is up to you open them or close them at any given time.You decide what behavior is acceptable, not only for you, but for others, in this case your son. You have set boundaries with your son, if you stick to them, then that is your choice, because it is your sanity you are protecting. Remember you are the only person you have control over. Also, remember sometimes we confuse boundaries with expectations. Boundaries help us except the reality without diminishing ourselves.Expectations usually lead to resentments. Boundaries or OUR behaviour, expections are theirs. So take care of yourself first with your own boundaries. Please try to go to a f2f Al-Alon meeting as soon as you can. It will help you more than you can ever know. RLC
Gosh this was me all last summer. For 3 solid months I took care of EVERYTHING for the A. I took care of food, clothes, found him a place to live, got him everything. Every second of it was non stop drama. I eventually had to stop answering the phone. What is there to talk about? You set a boundary, what is there to talk about? There are no negotiations. He does not want to hold to the boundary, make threats, make you responsible for him. You aren't so don't be drawn into night and day dramatics and negotiations. And stop giving him money as long as you are "helping" he'll make more drama to get more attention and have more! I helped till I was destitute! And even then the A said I didn't do enough. Now I simply don't engage but that was a long long long long time coming. And its hard to do that at first!!!!
Reinforcing boundaries is hard stuff, just keep reinforcing your limits, make him accept the consequences of his actions. Much easier said than done.
Don't be "there" for extended extended extended discussions. Hold onto the boundary, then let go. Let him go accept the consequences.
Very very very very very hard to do. I no longer "have it" to give 24/7 to this kind of never ending dramarama saga. I started small and eventually could hold fast to boundaries. I think you are doing great, after all you're a beginner. It takes practice to do this!
I think you did good. You made your boundary clear and gave him a chance. Then you stuck to it and even called the police to help you enforce that set of boundaries. That was hard, I know, but the best thing you could have done probably.
Maresie may be right about him wanting to drag you into a drama. I would look at that and decide if you want to indulge him in more drama, or just opt out. You do not have to talk to him. You do not have to justify your decision. You have the riight to decide how you live and what you will give to people. He is now an adult who can learn how to fend for himself, the sooner the better for him.
If you want to have this talk with him, I would suggest thinking about boundaries for the conversation. Do you want to get into a debate? Are your boundaries solid or is there room for any negotiation? Decide ahead of time so you do not give your power away. You have the right to end the conversation at any time, or not have it at all if that is what you want.
So the question is what do you need to do for you now? What can you do to maintain your serenity? Have you found a face2face meeting yet? I would encourage you to do so.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Thank you all once again! He came home after work and the first thing he did was apologize and admit that he was wrong and explained why he felt he was wrong. I was not sure what to expect but I was going to be open to HEAR what he had to say. But before he came home I already had it set in my head, and written down, what the rules are and that there were no exceptions. One slip and he was right back out of here. We sat down and reviewed them and signed them. I prayed and asked him to think about everything before he signed it to be sure that he was prepared to go by my rules and if he chose not to I still loved him. There were some tears, from him, I felt like crying but I knew I had to hang on and let him deal with his emotions. I will believe it when I see it but I gave him the opportunity and that is about as far as I can take it right now. He is a good kid, but under the influence he is somebody I don't know. I told him that I knew he would not have said those things to me if he had not been under the influence but that since he was that is how he handle his anger and disappointment in not getting his way.
Wildthang, I find your posts very heartening. I wish I had had as much strength as you have some years ago ! You're doing great in my view. Bless your heart and his too. Keep communicating with him, but stick to your boundaries, and that's the best you can do for your son in my opinion.
I really feel the support! Thank you. I believe that I am starting the trust my instincts and that feels really good. The not knowing is the hardest part to deal with but then I trust in myself, my instincts and my HP! I feel like since I have started coming back here my heart has opened up again and I can receive all of your love. I have a hearing with my AH today and I feel ready and like I can handle some communication with him now, still a little leary of manipualtion but I feel strong in mind. My body is still recovering from the brain surgery in January but I am as cancer free as I will ever be. The type of cancer I had will come back again, it's practically guranteed, according to the Brain Tumor Institute. But for now I am doing well and that's all I can ask for and I am grateful!!!
Is it? I just feel like I am running on pure adreniline and instincts. It is so hard to make myself PUSH away from the depression that I feel is right around the corner. I have never been that strong before I have fallen many times down that DARK hole... I do keep praying for guidance and strength.
I read something recently that talked about the vortex appearing compelling and interesting and comfortable. I know I was very comfortable in the hotel. The steps help, focus on the unmanageable, what can you do about the unmanageable today?
