I'm NOT an A ... why do YOU need Al-anon??? - Al-Anon Family Group

amybear · Member

I'm NOT an A ... why do YOU need Al-anon???

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

You need alanon for you. Since he isn't an A then it has absolutly nothing to do with him....so, who cares if he's an A or not, YOU need alanon!

Tiger2006 · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, you can always tell him what we talk about in AA meetings: people that aren't there. That'll really stoke his fire. He'll go just to find out what we DO talk about: ourselves.
Then you can tell him you come here because you're so crazy (which, of course, you're not) that you have to go help people who are crazier than you are. You have to set a good example for the crazy people. Nonsense like that.
And if he really needs to know, you can tell him that we sit around and talk about drinking here.

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

Tell him that you go for solace, guidance and serenity.

In support,
Nancy

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

Maybe a response of:

"You may or may not be an alcoholic, but Al-Anon is for people who have a problem with other people's drinking, whether those 'other people' are alcoholics or not."

Seren's answer was good, too - and probably less confrontational than mine.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Anybear!

What I told mine was that I don't go to talk about her. No one knew who she
was or what her name was. I told her I went to Al-Anon because "I" believed
that I was married to an alcoholic regardless of what she or anyone else
believed and that I would continue to go for me. Some of the others
responses were also great.

Good work on your program. When you accept the FACT that you are dealing
with alcoholism the feeling of having to argue or fight the point just goes away.

(((((hugs))))) smile

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

For me, I would say,"I do it for me, to learn more life skills and learn to discover my own needs and wants."

Does this help?

for me it makes me a better person, I have more understanding of all people,not just a's.

hugs hon,debilyn

Denoraphy · Veteran Member

Those are some great responses. I tend to shy away from going to f2f meetings because I do not want to have the confrontation with the my AH about why I am going. Mine goes through the denial/acceptance thing too. Lately he is in denial.....

The last meeting I went to he made the comment before I left, 'I thought I might have a problem with alcohol, but realized I don't. I only drink about 3 or 4 oz at night and I don't like beer anymore, so I don't have a problem. So, why do you go to alanon?'

I wanted to scream, 'DENIAL' in his face, but like Jerry mentioned, it just doesn't matter to me what he thinks I need. I know that I need to be here. It is also part of their disease that will want to prevent you from trying to get better.

I told him it was not about him, the meetings were for me. He said, 'AHH.' and got this look on his face like he just figured something out. I'm not sure what, but it seemed to satisfy him and it ended the conversation.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Talk about thinking the world revolves around them!

I remember well the issue of having to justiy my every last breath. I no longer do that. I also remember that the A would look at my favorites. In fact one of the last times he talked to me he mentioned something about my recovery. He received no reply. I no longer justify my recovery to anyone at all. I don't even discuss it. I used to be such an open book!

You can just say nothing, let the subject just sit there. For me arguing, justifying was one way the A had me in a spin. The subject went nowhere because they didn't listen anyway. It was another one of their let's spin around my denial stuff. For me its not my place anymore to spin around someone's denial.

maresie.

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Amybear, You received some good responses here. Likewise you can ask the same question at a f2f Al-Anon meeting. I feel sure several people there have had to deal with the same problem. From my experience there are many reasons the A has reservations about someone going to Al-Anon. They think you are going just to tell everyone about their problem. They think Al-Anon will try to turn you against them, or convience you to leave them, it goes on,and on. They have their insecurities just as we have ours. The bottom line is, that after you start the Al-Alon Program, your life will improve, you will become a different(better) person, and your A will see this in you, I promise. I know my A realized that I reacted to situations much differently than I had in the past. I knew she had a problem, but it was her problem, not mine. My problem was me, and in Al-Anon I found, and started using the principles everyday, and my life changed of the better. In turn our life became better. Your A will see the change in you, and how you react, or don't react as you have in the past. My A goes to A.A. now, and even though that was her choice, something deep inside of me wants to believe the changes in me through Al-Anon might have made it a little easier for her to make that decision. RLC

-- Edited by RLC at 12:51, 2008-05-15

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

YOu know that issue of eveyrthing is wrong, except him is pretty typical of people in denial. That is one reason why we start focusing on ourselves. When we focus on ourselves we stop looking at what is wrong with everyone else all the time. We acknowledge it but its not the sole focus of our existence.

maresie.

wp · ~*Service Worker*~

How about, Because it interests me. I go for me.

Good luck and hope you'll keep coming back for your own health and ours too :)

mspw

wp · ~*Service Worker*~

Amyb, I forgot to say this: I noticed you mentioned your grandmother's alanon "tools". Well, there ya go; it's a family disease and as far as your current A is concerned, it may have nothing to do with him, but instead helps you deal with some things in your family that have been bothering you. I don't think that is too far fetched because in my experience this disease does indeed stem in part from the whole family scene, generations in fact. Yep. That's the way I see it.

Keep coming back if you like :) I'm sure you have much to offer us as well.

mspw

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