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Okay I understand that we don't need to get our validation from other people, and I have hoped for just that all my life while continuing to choose men who are not communicative or very open emotionally. Husband of 15 years just didn't have it IQ wise. Current BF of 5 years is very smart, charming and an A so he doesn't have it emotionally.
Please know I'm not speaking of "I love you, and "sweet talk" current BF is a charmer and good at that.. I talking about Man... that really made me angry, happy, scared because of ... etc. etc. etc.....
I want to make sure I'm not shooting myself in the foot by creating some dream land in my head... as both men in my life have indicated.. regarding sharing emotions with anybody.
Is or is it not reasonable/ healthy to have a relationship with your spouse where he WANT's TO share what he feels about certain circumstances, things about you or issues you encounter together.
He often says it's because I'm a woman and he's a man but I think that may be an excuse or diversion tatic on his part.
Do some men WANT to share with their spouse how they feel about them or their life or even other people and things. Just stuff that happens..thoughts, ideas on life in general??
Not ALL the time drama drama drama but don't they want to sometime??? ever?? and if so the average guy? Would he be put off by say once or twice a week 15 minutes of this kind of talk and then say once a mth a heart to heart or maybe not even that often... what is realistic as I have NEVER experienced this?? ( I know this sounds odd to ask, sorry)! I know I have to determine what is acceptable for me but I don't even know if I'm not in "La La Land" even thinking it is reasonable..
I know I want honesty, openess and a life where the person I'm sharing it with is emotionally and physically present most of the time.(okay with me if the "check out" emotionally on occation or if they need some space... but all the time is hurting my little codependant heart. It seems really unlikely I'll get this with my current BF but with God all things are possible. And "He gives us common sense for a reason" so I'm like a little mouse in a box running in circles today.
ESH from anyone who has or knows anything about a communicative, happy relationship. Please....
"Is or is it not reasonable/ healthy to have a relationship with your spouse where he WANT's TO share what he feels about certain circumstances, things about you or issues you encounter together."
Hi Glad,
From my perspective....the answer is, it depends on the person. Everyone is different, even every man is different!!!
I can tell you that this man has even changed from one that didn't want to talk about "heavy" issues ever!!! lol... to someone who strives to communicate as best I can what I am feeling and thinking.
Great post... hmmm, guys are odd arent they? *smile*
My father was active A when I was young and we lived on a small farm... so from a very young age, I felt responsable to fix everything... not rely on others to do anything for me. I sure didn't "burden" people with my rediculous feelings... *smile*
I realized later in life that I didn't trust anyone with how I felt about things.
Starting to get over that... and learning how great it is to be able to do so with someone that I trust. Its a closeness I have never really known before. I think here in this program is the first time I really ever did that.
Just throwing that out... can't say at all how that would relate to anyone else... just me. Makes me thankful though... appreciate that!
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Well for me since I rushed into relationship it was merge first and ask questions later. I think personally when you get real clear what you want in a relationship you start looking for it and settling for crumbs less. At the same time for me personally (as its my ESH) I have to have cleaned up all my baggage first. I have not always been someone who shared in a mature fashion, demanded, manipulated, secretly hoped, but ask for in a clear coherent fashion not often at all.
My patterns were learned in childhood. I unlearned them in al anon but it didn't happen overnight.
You don't need me to tell you if it is reasonable ;)
Seriously htough - if every one of us said "You're right, what you are asking for is perfectly reasonable" it would not make one bit of difference to your partner. People cannot give what they do not have. He's not witholding in order to punish you, he's witholding because that's how he is.
So, it comes back to you. What is important to you? Do you get enough good from your relationship with him that you can go other places for the rest of what you need, and be reasonably happy? I can tell you that it IS unreasonable to expect one person to carry the whole load of being your only emotional input and outlet. If that person is an A (by definition bad at emotionally connecting), resentment and frustration are inevitible.
He is what he is, and he will do what he will do. You can keep pushing at that brick wall, trying to change him, or you can find a way to be happier.
