The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was thinking earlier about how significantly my life has changed since leaving the A. When I first left I had all this empty time and more importantly space in my mind and it left a HUGE gaping hole in my life when I moved out. I realize now that was because my whole life was about him and what HE was doing. I was going out trying desperately to find a man, cleaning obsessively, chatting on the internet day and night. I felt like I had so much time and nothing to do with all of it. Now, I feel like I don't have enough time to do everything I want to do. I slowly started filling my time with things to do, first it was classes, then it was a second job, listing stuff on ebay. Lately I have found that my social calendar is becoming very full and I don't have time to do everything I want to anymore! I have at least 3 friends now that I hang out with regularly and working on a 4th new one at work who actually likes to go dancing and that is the one thing I LOVE to do and miss so much! So I am finding my live to be over abundant lately. I very rarely have a moment to myself anymore and now I cherish that time rather than despise it! I feel like I have done a 360. I look forward to the torturous 30 mins every morning of working out because I can go be alone with myself and my music. I'm getting stronger and feeling healthier (unfortunately not thinner enough yet...:). I had friends over all day Sunday and Monday and between that, the kids' school stuff, 2 jobs and housework I don't have time for a man. My weekends are booked solid for the next 2-3 weeks! I feel so happy most of the time!
My A did get my home phone number somehow and there is no one I know who knows him that has it! That was really frustrating because he calls and calls and my daughter is scared that he has our address too. I am usually polite to him when he calls but I think that is going to stop soon because he crossed the line when he found the house number and called. I didn't mind him calling the cell because that was a number he had before but he never had the other number and I'm really irritated with that, I specifically had it unlisted and on caller id it shows up as restricted. Still somehow he managed to get it.
The A who I once was with also has my number. He calls from time to time. I've told him not to but he continues. I work pretty hard on not reacting. Giving him any power at all seems anthema to me these days.
I have much much much work to do to attain many things, solvency, a home that I can feel at home in, work that pays something other than subsistence, health (my health is precarious at best). Nevertheless where I am now is light years away from where I was. I no longer feel suffused in loneliness but my time is not busy or productive either. I no longer feel like "the victim" but am barely into survival with many many obstacles in front of me. One step at a time I'll make it out of this.
Block him from calling you. All you have to do is call your phone company and ask how to do it.
If you quit speaking to him, he would not call.
The disease is seeping back in. Hon I finally got my phone in someone elses name.
You can always change the number again. Just ideas.
I feel so sad for your little girl. You may want to get her into Karate or some other that type thing. It teaches self power, self reliance. NOT how to fight.
It would help her to learn not to be afraid.
You have come a long ways, hard path too. So glad you are having fun too.
For me to keep blocking any kind of connection was what helped me to keep going on an even path.
OK, figuring out *how* to make friends is one of the things that stymies me. How did you do it? I remember you were inviting people to lunch & stuff to no avail....
Hm, the how? Seems that just repeated contact, a little bit of neediness and being diligent to maintain communication have been the key. Most I have met through my daughter (friends parents). One I met at work. I have found that needing their help in some way builds friendship - it gives a common ground and usually a fun memory and it makes them feel needed. That's all I got right now. LOL It seems to be working it's just trying to build a common thread.
I think for me the tools of detachment helped me in moving forward with connecting with people. One reason I was "stuck" with the air was that I was really attached to people pleasing and my whole life was on the line all the time about whether people "accepted" me. I keep a really low key approach to connecting. I put it out there but its not the end of the world if it doesn't happen (here is where how important is it comes into play). I put out a request but it isn't a life or death one. I know my intensity really put a lot of people off before and I see that before me in so many different ways when people do that around me. I also know its important not to be too "open" for me not to disclose that I live in a horrible place, have nothing, very few resources and often feel terrible. I don't hide it but I also don't have it out there like a "badge". There is need and then there is overwhelming need. For me to keep my needs reasonable is so key to meeting and connecting with people. When I'm on overwhelming need my ability to discern who and how they can help me is way way off.
For me the savior stuff is "projection". I project my own helplessness (and I'm not that helpless anymore) onto others and want to help them. Some people like the A who I was with really "use" that to get their needs met. He no longer gets his needs met but for 7 years his needs trumped mine day in day out. If I meet someone now who shows me they have no respect for my needs my own relationship with them totally changes. I limit contact, I set tremendous boundaries. I expect very little from them and I stop setting myself up. I think it took me having to nearly die with the A to get to that it was really compelling stuff. I also think I am always chasing after the place where the A did meet my needs for about 6 minutes at the beginning of the relationship, after that it was a few crumbs every now and again. The inconsistency was really frustrating and hooking. Now if I meet someone inconsistent I take note, adjust and stop expecting much from them. I find that so much easier than sitting in a seas of frustration.
Managing my needs is hard work but not managing them is even harder.
