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I finally get up the courage to get my AH out of the house in hopes that I can find some peace. Now my 18 year old is trying to take over. He is in his last week of High school and has no idea where he wants to go to school and has no financial aide. He goes to school for a few hours in the morning and then goes to work for a few hours then comes home and doesn't want to do anything to help out around the house. He has recently started taking my car without asking and I put my foot down on that one and told him he was not using my car for anything anymore if he didn't have enough respect for me to ask my permission. I also told him that he needed to find his own way to school, work and his friend houses if he wanted to hang out with them. I also believe that he is getting high which I know is infereing with his thinking. He had moved out a week before I had my AH removed from our home, so when AH was gone I moved him back in. I am feeling so overwhelmed by this. At one time just a few months ago he was prepared to get a Football scholarship to go to college and then about 2 months ago he decided he didn't want to play football anymore he wanted to concentrate on his education. Well, ok but I have never seen anything that would indicate to me that he wanted to focus on his education before that day. Nor have I seen anything since that day. Ohhhh I am so confused, I want to help him but I don't want to enable him. I have done enough of that in my life and I just don't have it in me anymore. HELP!
You're in the right place. For years all I felt I did here was to talk about setting boundaries. I still work on them day in day out. Reviewing what is going on for you is such a central part of al anon. Nothing changes overnight.
Keep coming back here. Keep reading al anon literature and anything else ou can get your hands on. Keep posting and develop your skills and then see how things change.
I hope I am in the right place. I just talked to him about what he needs to do to help out around the house and he informs me that he isn't doing anything because he is moving out in a month. I told him that he needed to move out before then if wasn't going to do anything. I also tried to bring up college to him and he didn't even want to discuss it. So he went his way and I went mine. I feel horrible because I feel like all of my resources have dried up inside of me from dealing with his father, AH. I just wish that I had more to give him and in a way that would help him and not enable him. Still confused.
I raised a son.Honey it is not easy,but for me,it worked.
I was tough. Set rules and boundaries. I would make a list telling exactly what he needs to do around the house.period.
Then,it is your choice honey, I love you, do these chores if you want to continue to live here.
Leave him the list, you keep a copy, have him sign it,I am NOT kidding. When he does not comply, simply say,"The rule was....repeat it.
NO Chances!!
He is eighteen, an adult, he needs you to be tough and give him boundaries. The world is not going to be easy on him.
If you suspect he is using, chances are he is. It is up to you to put a boundary there, a choice and consequense
NO arguing, the rule is, your choice was...repeat when he tries to draw you into an arguement.
Was the hardest thing i ever did was tell my son there is the door.
He went out, stayed with friends, got a good job,got a vehicle/insurance and grew up. Has not asked me for a thing since and won't take from me either. I am very very proud of him.
When we allow this behavior we are not doing them anygood.They don't need a mommy, they need to be a man,find their own way. You sending him out, is telling him you KNOW he can do it.
Of course you are still mom, of course you would not let him starve.But cook him something, don't give money.
This is my experience,not telling you what to do. You did great about the car, he is testing you mom, show him you love him, but show him you mean business. He needs this from you. NO employer,professor,cop or anyone is going to baby him.
Hon, this is a new twist to your recovery. Give yourself some time to adjust. You are doing fine. You came here for help and support and that is a good place to start. If you can find a face2face meeting that would be a good next step. They have liturature there. Read, read, read, that's what I did when I first came into the program.
Keep coming back. This is a wonderful group of people. You are not alone in this.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
oh wow, saw you did GREAT!!! So next step, remind him you love him, inviting you to do this...
you say, since you are moving,I need these things done in order for you to stay another month. If you choose not to, pack up and go. I love you, I know you can do it.
period.no arguement.
Be tough. If you are tough,then he knows you believe he can do it.
Believe me he is testing you to the max.Poophead.
geeeez send him to me...lol I worked with tough gang kids that would come to me for cough drops and oh I loved them and they me. Just four year olds in big bodies.
He knows he is being rude and cruel. there is no use reminding him. He LOVEs you, don't worry about that. In a way it is good he is being a poop.Means he is pulling away from mommy. hurts but it is good.
It is his job right now to be a turkey rear.
I have found in being lighter about it, it works better.
Hey try this,my mother took in my wild surfer boy cousin, she did this.
T if you don't get in here and do the dishes I am going to hang you buy your thumbs!! he would not do it, testing, so shes said come here, she put a heavy string thru a cubboard handle and tied a thumb on each side.
You may consider this abuse but, she caught him and my brother smoking. said hey you like that so much I bought you both a pack. Made them both sit in their rooms and smoke and smoke and smoke..both got sooo sick.My brother is 53 counsin is 56. Neither smoke.
She loved them, was a cookie cooking, seamstress, just did everything, made them real rootbeer and pickles.
Kept things light, but she meant business.God we loved her.
Anyway my point is stick to rules and consequenses. Never argue as he is trying to take your power. uh uh,no way honey I am the MOM.
you can do it. you are doing great. shaking your hand...hugs,debilyn who misses her bad behavior students so very much.
Thank you all for your support!!! ((((((everybody)))))) Here is an update...I caught him smoking in my basement last night with his friends, one of which I allowed to move in because he had been kicked out of his house. So they were all thrown out except my son. I felt like I had not set that boundary yet and I wasn't going to kick him out until I had a discussion with him, which given the moment I felt would do no good since he was high. He has days left of his senior year and graduation on June 1. I just don't see any good coming out of him staying here living this life "he chose", because he is 18. We had just had a serious discussion about respect, for each other, and I felt like we had an understanding. But I guess I was just hoping and let myself believe I got through to him. When the reality hit me smack dab in the face. I was too angry and disappointed to set reasonable boundaries last night. I have made serious attempts lately to put deep thought and consideration into my decisions. I want to be sure that I am prepared mentally to follow through. I know myself too well and my previous action with my AH, no follow up, has gotten me to the point I am at now. But I try to keep myself in check and make sure I am not also procrastinating too. It will just delay the inevitable. Thank you one and all. I have plans to get to my first face2face meeting this evening.
I can relate very much to "doing" for others. I can do that in a minute and have to be aware at all times what my goals are and where I need to be going. I don't think we go from being a push over to being boundaries over night. I think it takes practice a lot of trying things out. I'd caution you not to think about the son in purely negative terms. Sometimes we have to take it one day at a time. I've been on one day at a time since last year, there are ways through it, set small goals, keep checking in, ask for help. Ask for support and love and understanding here. Eventually you get to a place where life is not so gruelling.
I'm in exactly the same boat, hubby's in rehab, eldest son is almost 18 and was pushing his luck big time!!
I talked face to face with some alanon friends and realised a few things about my son.
He's afraid to believe anymore promises from me or his dad and thought that if he stayed angry he would not get hurt again.
He was testing to see if he treated me badly enough, would I resort to being as abusive towards him as his dad was. If i had done, my son would have felt validated in convincing himself that the abuse was all his fault and deserved.
So here's what we did, we went along to counselling, individually, myself and my son together, and my son and his dad together. I was fearful about how it would work out but so far so good.
I set some boundaries with him, mainly about how he speaks to me and treats me, i told him one of my options would be to take his cell phone away for a period of time, he told me very sarcastically that he'd like to see me try! I replied calmly that it would be a case of "please give me your phone" and if he refused, I would pack his bags and tell him to leave.
This was a very scary option for me but i did and do mean it, thankfully it hasn't come to that so far.
The hardest thing i find is that i feel I've run out of time with him. He can move out any time he wants and i can't stop him. He also left college this year and i do sometimes worry about him.
But i have to hand him over to my HP, I've learned a lot from the mistakes i made with my husband and never want to be that crazy person again. I could very easily get right back in there with my son.
I have to let him own his mistakes and behaviour, if i keep rescuing him he'll never be able to grow and the responsibility for that would be mine.
I hope you find a way through and wish you all the best. Try to find as much support for yourself as you can, if you're doing well it will help your son. XX
